We have a dilemma that I can’t seem to fix. Any advice?

Your priority is you and getting well after surgery however long that will be, could be month or three.
Your parents at this point should help you, offer support.
There is no dilemma, frugal is one thing, taking care of their needs and paying is what responsible adults do.

What needs to be done is that you take care of your health and wellbeing, and you let them take care of theirs. Which includes stepping back from your role as their chauffeur, medical escort and grocery boy.

You've put them in touch with the services they need. Add in reliable cab companies, and if they like they can give you a weekly shopping list which you order online for delivery.

Establish the new routine now and save your time and energy in preparing for your surgery. Best of luck, hugs.

There are some people in this world, that translate every decision into $$. That way, it is easier for them to make decisions. To them, the lower cost alternative is the path to take. You are not going to change that method of thinking.

However, you can use that to your advantage. If you were to add ALL the costs it takes for them to live in their house (food, electricity, heating, water, sewer, lawn service, car, property taxes, etc.---make sure you account for all of your time at either caregiver's wages or how much you get paid at work, especially commuting costs), does it cost more than what an assisted living center costs? If you are providing food, make sure you consider your time and cost in getting the food, preparing it, and delivering it and include the gas or electricity cost for the cooking the food and cleaning up after cooking the meals. If you are only going there once a week, add more in for refrigerator cost. Does he have repairs coming up on the house? Could you rent their house? If so, subtract rent out of the cost for the assisted living center.

Sometimes seeing it in black and white is the only way to open the conversation so that you can convince them. Change is hard. Moving is hard. To them, your time is free, therefore, they don't consider it in the equation. You need to make them aware of the cost of your time. See what the numbers show....hopefully, the numbers point to moving to the Assisted Living Center as the lowest cost alternative.

Good luck.

Awww. God Bless your parents. They have one another they can and will manage at home. If for whatever, reason they need home care and meals just have them contact u. u go on and take care of u.

They sound like their happy being at home. if this is their wish please let them have it.

bliss - I know it's hard, but try to let go and let them be. They are of sound mind, and at 88 and 89, they should be able to eat whatever they want, as much or little as they want, when they want. If that cuts a year or several years off their alreadt very long lives, so be it. At least they enjoy what they can while they can. NO sense lengthening pleasureLESS lives.

"Is this independent living?"

They may live alone.. but..??
This is an excellent question.

They can *independently* buy a burger - but this is not "cooking meals".

They could receive a meal delivery service you ordered - but could they independently arrange one? Store the food safely, look at use by dates, reheat?

This is the start of the slide...

PS Being *stubborn* about their level of independence is common.

Could be Denial - the cure is letting the consequences prevail eg cheeseburgers on rotation until they get sick of this, give in & accept an alternative.

But can also be Cognitive Decline, learning from consequences much less/absent.

Time will tell.

Talk to them about your own needs and that you will not be able to stop by their house to help them with doctor appointments, groceries, etc. while you are recovering from your surgery. What would happen if they were left on their own? Would your mother be able to do the shopping, drive your father to appointments, cooking, laundry, etc? Also reassure them that they have enough money to hire people to help them. If they still refuse to have in-home caregivers, can you stock up their fridge and freezer with food so that they have enough to tide them over until you are recovered after your surgery? If they are of sound minds, they are entitled to make their own decisions about how to live, as long as they don't endanger themselves or others. My parents were like that. Only when my father passed away did my mother agree to move to a senior residence nearer to me. Good luck!

There are two of them so it’s very unlikely that one could become incapacitated without the other knowing it. If either of them are still cooking, the other can look out for leaving the burners on, burning food and things of that nature. You also need a discussion about throwing out spoiled food. Though you didn’t say so, it sounds like they might still doing their laundry and performing most of the normal household tasks that all couples of any age do. Perhaps a weekly housekeeper would be sufficient if that person is also a close family friend or someone they can develop into one who can be trusted.

My mother lived in her own home alone until the age of 94. She drove until she announced that she thought it was time for her to stop. She had no signs of dementia or frailty until she was about 95 when my brother moved in with her. Her husband, my father, died when she was 77. She always had a trusted housekeeper that not only cleaned every week but also had a decades long close bond with her and she checked on my mother regularly. As they both grew older, they became more like pals who watched soap operas together than employer and employee. All of us five kids also called my mother constantly. If your parents are still able to function as a team, your worries may be more about your own fears than real concerns about their safety. I have known many couples who lived safely together until they were in their late 90s.

Their irrational preoccupation with money is probably just a smokescreen that they are using to ward off your insistence that they give up their home and their independence. They are not ready to do that. Wait for some sort of crisis, hopefully not too big of a one, and they will realize when they need more care. In the meantime, be sure to let him know that you have to take care of your own needs and if they choose not to have any care in the home, you cannot make up for that lack of service. Have a pretty frank discussion with them about what you can and cannot do in both the short and long-term. In the meantime, do you have any brothers and sisters who can help out by maintaining regular, sustained and frequent contact with them?

You are going to have to take the reins here. They will let you literally kill yourself. You are going to have to stop enabling their poor decision making and that will be tough. Please pay for a few hours of counseling with a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice so you can learn how to gently set down the realities of life as it is now, and you limitations, and so you can learn to stick to this so that your parents enter the care they need. Otherwise this will go on, getting exponentially worse and worse and worse. I surely do wish you the best. Honesty is difficult, but there are times that nothing else will do.

i am right there with except my parents refuse to hire anyone at all. Dad just had knee surgery and needs stretching and exercises if he has any real hope of walking again and they will not pay for it. They have the money. I pushed for caregivers pretty hard but they would not even try it so I am backing away. I have no authority to make them do anything. Whenever the complaining starts I just say maybe you should hire the caregivers. But I don’t get mad or upset anymore. At least not much. Their life their decision.

Take care of yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to recover. You have the caregivers setup for your parents so probably will be pretty easy to turn it back on if needed.