We just placed my father into an assisted living facility. He is being promiscuous with another resident. How can I get him to stop?
My Dad has lived a well respected life and is very well off financially, so we placed him in the best home available. He has dementia and I could no longer care for him daily.
He has been in assisted living fir 3 weeks and my Sister and I received a call that he had started a romance with another dementia resident.
They caught them in bed together and had to inform both families.
I know if I speak to him, he'll forget the whole conversation an hour later. He still asks daily when he is coming home.
The resident nurse is saying if this behavior continues they'll have to remove him from the campus.
What can I say to him, that he will remember, that will drive home the fact that if he doesn't stop his promiscuous behavior, we will have to find another, much worse, place for him?
I'm besides myself as this has been a year journey to get him onto the best care.
Thsnks for listening.
Dylan
When the shock wears off.. check in again with staff. Strong attachments can form between residents, opposite or same sex. Romantically minded or platonic. Concent is a moving target though... Staff have to be on their toes to ensure any intimacy IS consential, that day, that time.
When volunteering in a medium level care home, I saw a sweet couple. Would watch old movies together in the afternoons, holding hands on the sofa. I asked staff how long they had been married. Staff informed me both their actual spouses lived 'outside' & these love birds got together in the care home! Both spouses came to accept this, still visited but staff had to 'socially engineer' things to ensure paths didn't cross.
See what this is. A one-off. A new romance that both agree to. Maybe it was a man-crazed lady who took a liking to him. But if he is harrassing all the ladies, a visit to the Doctor to discuss medication is often suggested.
I would ask the facility if they have seen courtship behavior. Do they eat together? Go to activities together? If so, let them be.
Please remember, with dementia the brain is broken. Like you said, your Dad won't remember your conversation with him on that subject, or any subject.
Care facilities don't like to have difficult residents that require supervising and watching. When they have them, pressure is put on their family to place them elsewhere.
If the lady’s family want to make this an issue, they can. The POA can contact the police to file suspected rape report, they do not need to tell the AL in advance of this. They can contact APS to report that they believe a resident “took advantage of a vulnerable adult”. If their mom / Auntie / grandma has lived there without any hint of sexual escapades happening, the default is the new person caused this. And it is going to be a complete nightmare for the Assisted Living to deal with if either law enforcement or APS get involved.
Other residents already know that something has happened and told their families. Staff is taking about it. Right now as I type this we have 39 different viewpoints on this just on this forum…. the same thing is going to happen within that AL and add to it that there will be petty rivalry and dementia enmeshed within the stories told. If the Dad is a “well respected….financially well off” so he’s fairly well known in the area, this will become hot gossip. The OP and any siblings need to get out ahead of this and asap… and have the dad get evaluation for some type of behavior mod, otherwise that dad will be toast on ever getting into any other place other than a long term behavioral health facility. .
The Assisted Living cannot let the place become Assisted Loving.
He was dressed this time and called me into the bedroom trying to get touchy feely. I left him alone to go make a phone call to the office. I was told to leave. He looked sad, and I sort of felt sorry for him, but I didn't know how far he would have taken his advances. You can't just smack a client, so I had to excuse myself carefully. I felt dirty and violated. The agency tried to give me another client they couldn't keep staffed, and I was like no way! All it takes is one time for something like this to happen to me and I refused to go back to work for them. If they couldn't protect their home health aides in these types of situations, why should I work for them.
I've never experienced anything like this before. I had all elderly people back in the eighties, but nothing to this extreme. When I got back to the office, I found out that I was the third aide he did this to. I told the manager do not send anymore women into that household! Yes, he needed help and that they needed to send a male aide instead of a female. Even though this man was early dementia, he still had enough cognition to recognize that he was wrong.
Unfortunately, this type of scenario goes on in nursing homes and even though they refer to it as consensual between two residents, I have a problem with this. Dementia clients and elderly people are there to be helped in these places. However, sexual encounters do happen in these places, and I was taught in training if someone is enjoying a bit of intimacy to close the door if they were both enjoying the encounter.
However, this is not consensual if it involves two residents that are in cognitive decline. Hypersexuality is a symptom of this illness.
There is a particuar type of dementia (FTL I think?) that can bring hyersexual behaviour.
There was a man (in his 60s) recently admitted to MC (where I volunteered). Meds were still being trialled. Management seemed to have a good plan in place. Suprvision in the day room & checked on regularily when in his own room. No resident or staff memeber ever to be left alone with him. Two staff to attend to him at all times. Maybe even three when showering.
Is it against the rules?
You are correct...talking to your father will not work because of the dementia. Talk with is doctor instead.
His girlfriend will have to be moved to a different area or he will have to be. Or he'll have to be medicated to supress any sexual urges. Or he's past the care AL provides and now needs to be in memory care.
There's really nothing you can say to him about it. Move him to memory care if he needs that level of care and make something up about why he's leaving the AL. Tell him that they're closing and all the resident have to move.
I worked as a Marketing Director in the senior care industry - all levels of dementia / memory care, active 55+, independent living, and assisted living for about 15 years. I’m dementia certified as well. I’m surprised the staff indicated he may have to leave the community because he’s having sex with another dementia resident. Believe it or not, it’s actually normal. I’m saw this happen daily with many residents. Although not the #1 demographic, the senior population has one of the highest reported cases of STD’s. They do become more promiscuous especially those diagnosed with dementia. Google it.
The Executive Director or nurse at the community is required to report it to both families which appears they did so no issue there.
You are correct in assuming that if you spoke to him about it ,he’s not going to remember ( if more advanced) and even if he did, I’m sure he wouldn’t care or stop demented or not - just being honest.
I’m not sure why the nurse is so bothered by this. I question her / his knowledge with dementia and common behaviors associated with it. Just because s person has dementia , doesn’t mean the desire for intimacy is automatically removed. Nor does a person automatically or immediately lose the capacity to consent to sexual activity upon diagnosis. There’s also several stages of dementia.
Research points to the many benefits of touch for people with dementia, and healthcare professionals have emphasized the importance of person-centered care in dementia. Some facilities have written policies on recognizing the physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual needs of those in their care available for you to read.
I see a lot of comments about consent. Several things should be considered centered around
“ consent” and indicators around that…
Recognition: Does each person consistently recognize each other? Do they know the name or room location of each other? Does one person mistakenly think the partner is her / his spouse when he's / she’s not?
Interest: Do they both seek each other out consistently?
Verbal and non-verbal communication of emotion: What do their verbal and non-verbal communications say? Does each person express a desire to spend time with each other?
When you observe them interact, are both engaged with each other and appear happy? Can they answer questions about their relationship and indicate a desire for physical intimacy?
Ability to say "No": Does either person display any signs of distress, such as emotional withdrawal, fear, tearfulness, decrease in appetite, or physical recoiling from touch? Are both people able to say "No" (verbally or non-verbally) to unwanted sexual contact?
Can each person indicate "how far" they wish to proceed with sexual interaction? For example, is one person content with kissing and touching, and the other attempting to progress to more intimate activities?
Effect on quality of life: Does the relationship appear to improve the quality of life for both people?
If there appears to be no issues, let them be.
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