My dad is 105 and has dimentia and delusions. He lives at home with a 24/7 caregiver My mom is 97 and is at a nursing home with hospice care. We want to bring her home since she doesn’t get more care than she would at home . But my dad refuses! He says he doesn’t know this woman and she needs medical care he can’t provide(he’s a Dr!) but their funds are running low quickly ! Also he is accusing v me of taking his money so I should pay for the nursing home! i have access to his bank account but since they both have no physical ailment other than dimentia need to budget for I definitel care any suggestions how we can convince my dad to allow her home!!! I’m afraid he may get abusive with her if we take her home against his will
Dementia is a terminal disease, with or w/o "other physical ailments" going on.....IT will cause a person to pass away.
I'm sorry you're faced with such a difficult situation. My best wishes to you and your family.
Just because your dad was once a doctor has no bearing on any of this now as he's not only demented, but is having hallucinations on top of it.
Let your mom die in peace where she is at, and ask for hospice volunteers to come visit her more often(if you're not able)so someone can make sure she's receiving the care she requires and deserves.
If you want to do this then bring her into your home and let your poor dad blessedly OUT OF IT. He is correct. The woman he knew and loved is already gone.
I cannot tell you how disappointing it is to me that you would consider bucking your father on this at this last time.
This would be VERY POOR decision making. IMHO.
She's more than likely just having a nurse coming once a week to check on her and aides to come bathe her twice a week. That's not much in the big picture of things. The rest of the OP's moms care falls on the staff at the nursing facility.
But yes, you are correct, hospice is covered 100% under Medicare, and yes I agree that Op's mom needs to stay where she's at.
Go see an eldercare lawyer about splitting assets . It may be necessary at some point to place your father in a care home as well if he’s going to run out of money . Then you sell his home to pay for his care .
Don't do it unless you want to bring your mother to your "own" home. Both parents together would be like the blind leading the blind.
I understand your thought, it's best if Mother passes at home but it could be an "unsafe" discharge. I realize the nursing homes could never provide what you would but too much can go wrong with this scenario.
It's not uncommon that your loved one accuses you of stealing from them as my mother thought I stole her mattress. They can't help it. I think you already know your answer.
Do you really want your mother to be taken out in a rescue and the Dept. of Elderly Affairs coming in and removing one of them. This could happen. Would you supervise 24/7, I would think not.
It's not the issue convincing dad but the plan is not a viable one I'm afraid to say but I have to be honest with you. You're setting yourself up as well as your parents for a lot that can go wrong.
I don't want to dress this up but sometimes you hear on the news, that nice old couple next door, did what, and he was such a nice man, a doctor, can't imagine. They seem like such nice people. Doesn't matter, both of your parents need to be to protected from one another.
Since it is money you are worried about, the attorney can help you understand how to split dads portion of their assets. As the community spouse he will not be left impoverished and all his expenses considered. The house is exempt as well as one car. When they both pass you can sell the house and pay Medicaid back.
With two parents with dementia surely you have noticed you can’t convince them of anything. I have to wonder why anyone would ask his opinion BUT since you are concerned he might abuse her, it doesn’t sound like your best option.
If you brought your Mom back home to your Dad, chances are that if your Dad has just one caregiver, she would not be able to care for both parents, thus another 24/7 caregiver would be needed. If Dad has 3 full-time caregivers each day, the cost would go up, maybe double if they needed to also care for your Mom. That could cost your Dad, closer to $35k or more per month. Can he budget for that? If not, no wonder he is upset, running scared.
You mentioned "they both have no physical ailment other than dementia need to budget for". Please go to the top of this page and click on "CARE TOPICS", scroll down to Dementia, and read every article available to get a better understanding of dementia.
we did bring mom home and my dad was actually accepting and excited to have her there, and promised he would visit her daily and have meals together.
On one of these visits as he sat in her bed he fell and broke his arm from the wrist to shoulder ! So he’s in hospital now and then to rehab!!
my mom is doing much better at home now with the care of a great caregiver who is giving her 24/7 care rather than a few visits a day at the nursing home !
Quite a turn of events !
When he is well enough he will hopefully go home and get can spend the rest off their days in their own space ! The caretaker wants to take care of both but I’ve suggested to get additional help y dad returns which won’t be for a while I imagine . For now this is the situation… day by day ! But I’m glad we brought mom home although in was very nervous about it all!