Follow
Share

I’m not sure they know what they are getting into which is why she is in a NH and not living with me in the first place. She cannot walk, needs 100% assistance in using the bathroom and changing her depends. Just looking and talking with her you would think she is fully capable. She is not. They don’t speak to me. I’m concerned.

Some people have to learn the hard way - even if it's a total disaster I doubt that it's actually dangerous for her so step back and let the chips fall where they may.
(And I'd make sure you aren't available as the back up plan)
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to cwillie
Report

I found out my LO had been taken out by a family member when NH called to let me know she had left AND that they had helped get her in the car. Seriously? Calling to let me know?? (This is after I had said to the NH on several previous occasions there was a person in our circle who is not wrapped too tightly and would be someone who would try to take LO out impulsively without consideration for consequences. ) They knew or should have known that this could happen.

So I'm thinking she was AT LEAST a 2 person assist getting out of the wheelchair and into the car. Not sure how (or even "if") she was able to get out of the car at the intended destination. They also left without the wheelchair. Didn't take a list of meds in case of emergency. Didn't even ask if any meds would be due while they were out of the facility. Didn't take incontinence pads. Didn't take change of clothes. You get the picture.

Person who did this never believed it that a NH was truly necessary and my LO really wasn't "that bad off", etc. I was pooh-poohed and painted as heartless for putting Marge away for "no reason" other than I supposedly didn't want to be bothered anymore....., etc. etc. etc.

She did come back a couple of hours later - might have even been less. It seemed like forever is what I remember.

The person who took her that day, never attempted it again. I never got the full story on how it went, but it was never tried again. Object lesson.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Mysteryshopper
Report
GenaiDay Nov 22, 2022
I hope everything goes great. I have concerns she will be hurt in the transition ftom car to wheelchair and vice versa. I know how difficult it was for us when she traveled to Dr appointments. Also they have one very small bathroom. Can’t imagine what changing her will be like or left in her own mess after eating T-giving meal. I’m sure she will enjoy being with family. Plenty of them to share her time with. Also lkenty to worry about exposure to COVID. I worry too much. lol
(4)
Report
I think it good Genai will not be there. It means they can not rely on her to help. If she is incontinent, bet they forget they need to have Depends handy and wipes. Maybe a bib so she does not get food all over herself. I hope its not hours away and they have to turn around almost as soon as they get there.

If you have not cared for someone with Dementia, you have no idea what goes into that care. This will be a learning experience for the rest of the family. They will hopefully realize why you could not take care of Mom anymore.

I so hope your are glad u weren't invited. You know they would have expected you to do for her. Have a great Thanksgiving and don't worry about Mom. This is a choice "well meaning family" made. Let them deal with it. If they call for help, say sorry I am busy with my own family. You chose to take her out of the NH and by doing that she is ur responsibility. People learn by experiencing. Bet they never do it again.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
GenaiDay Nov 21, 2022
Thank you so much. It’s nice to be a part of a support group that understands.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
Ok Genai, how did it go for Mom?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
GenaiDay Nov 30, 2022
I only spoke with my mom. I didn’t ask anyone else and no one else reached out to me. The most my mom said was the food was good and there were so many people they held it outside ( we live in CA). No injuries , returned safely , all the protective pads I provided still in the bag. So all in all it went well .
(13)
Report
They are not well meaning. If they were They would take into account moms limitations and have Thanksgiving with her at the nursing home. They are going to do what they do. Just don't get involved or bail them out when they can't handle mom. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to sp19690
Report
GenaiDay Nov 20, 2022
Thank you
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do you not have a list of approved people who can sign mother out of the nursing home on file with the front desk/nursing station?? Anyone not on the approved list cannot sign a resident out, period.

That's how I would handle this chaos....get this list on file immediately, along with oral notice that only the POA is to take her out, providing it is YOU who hold POA. If not, then you hold no power to create such a list.

Most people who aren't directly involved with compromised elders have NO CLUE what it'll be like to take the woman out for "a fun holiday". God help them.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
sp19690 Nov 20, 2022
Great advice.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
If asked what you think, be honest. If they still chose to do it, thats on them. Do not get involved in any way. Let them see what it is like to care for someone in Moms position. Leave it all up to them. Do not offer any help. Let them ask for it. Hopefully they will see what is involved in caring for the elderly. Yep, she will want to go home within the hour of her getting there.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Have you said to them something like, It is so thoughtful of you to invite Mom for thanksgiving -- Please let me know if you'd like detailed information about the kinds of assistance she needs these days, I'm not sure when was the last time you saw her outside of the facility but there have probably been some changes since then.

-- or something!! and then let it go.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Elizabeth147
Report

If someone signs her out they will be the responsible person to care for her while she is under their supervision.
If you are going to be at the same family gathering you sit back and do not aid the "do gooders" that want to have mom for Thanksgiving.
Between 10 minutes and 30 minutes after mom arrives and she wants to "go home" because she is up set, confused, anxious simply say..."Sorry, I can't take her home right now I have had a glass of wine and I should not drive for a few hours"
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report
GenaiDay Nov 20, 2022
I was not invited
(2)
Report
See 4 more replies
They don't speak to you? Count your blessings and have a truly happy Thanksgiving. With any luck, they won't be speaking to you at Christmas either.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
GenaiDay Nov 21, 2022
Lol
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter