Mom's 94, mentally incompetent and I've taken on the role of successor trustee and POA. I've signed the rental agreement for assisted living for the apartment she selected and she's in the process of selecting what to bring. I informed her that I became the trustee and was now responsible for her finances and bills and also required as her POA for her assisted living to pay for her. This was all good on Saturday and she was thankful she wouldn't need to pay bills any longer. This morning she called my sister suggesting that I'm stealing from her, there's nothing wrong with her, and I paid off the doctor who diagnosed her as incompetent. My sister suggested that I just stay away for now. Mom wants my sister to take her to an attorney and fight the trust and doctor's findings.
I've done nothing wrong and only doing what she and the trust have asked for.
What am I to do?
Once you learn more about the condition, then you'll realize paranoia and all that your mother is doing goes with the territory, unfortunately. She will likely continue to accuse you of 'wrongdoing' which doesn't mean you are doing something wrong; just that her mind is broken and she cannot remember what's happening from one hour to the next, which makes her BELIEVE she's being tricked. The best thing you can do is not tell her what's going on with ANYTHING until the moment before it happens; then tell her what's happening and get her going to whatever place she needs to go to. Otherwise, she'll dwell on it or question it and drive YOU to the brink of insanity with questions, accusations and generalized anxiety about it! She doesn't realize her doctor diagnosed her as 'incompetent', nor should she be TOLD that, either. In her mind, all is well and she's in charge of her own life. Who wants to know such a thing, or believe they're 'incompetent' to make their own decisions? I think it's human nature to reject such a notion and for the mind to make up another story to compensate for it, don't you? I think I'd do that, were I to be told I was incompetent, or realize my children were trying to run MY life FOR me! LOL
I know how awful all of this is for YOU to deal with; my own mother had advanced dementia for a couple of years and was tormented with various notions that her siblings were still alive & trying to get to her but were being prevented from doing so. It was a horrible thing for ME to try to deal with and to try to help HER deal with, more so. I had a hard time coming up with stories about where the siblings were and why they 'weren't able' to come by today. Or where her mama was and why she couldn't reach her on the phone. Just a wretched situation for all involved with the care & management of a loved one with dementia.
Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with the fact that you aren't The Bad Guy here, but trying to do what's best for mom, whether SHE sees that or not.
I would suggest though that rather than Assisted living she be in Memory Care. Most Assisted Living a resident can come and go as they wish, just signing out before they leave. (If they are seen leaving) A "walk outside" can lead to getting lost and wandering away.
And even if she got to the lawyers office a lawyer would not find her competent to change any papers that she has previously written,.
There's enough on your plate.
Much of what you must do about this depends on how sane or insane your SISTER is. Sorry, but that's about it.
And by the way, messing with a TRUST? Difficult to do to say the least and no lawyer is going to want to risk his license on THIS one. When my bro and I went to make me Trustee of his Trust the attorney cautioned him up one side and down the other and said to him "You are sure you trust this Sister with your entire life, because she can sell the gold out of your teeth if you do this!!"
Expect your poor Mom to waver back and forth, but have those "I am your accountant; let's have lunch meetings". Got so my bro wasn't even interested in the subject. Had his pre punched sheet to put in his notebook every Month and was quite happy to be rid of thinking of bills and etc.
Don't discuss Mom's finances with her any longer -- just take care of them. A lot of times the things that get a dementia patient upset is someone else bringing up a topic as though life is still normal. Handling their finances is scary when their brain isn't working well, so they naturally get fearful that someone else is handling them. Just don't bring it up, and that topic will likely fall by the wayside.