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I moved back to the Northeast 2 years ago. When I was planning this move, I asked my mother to sell her home and move in with me. However, I informed her she would need to sell her home so that I could afford a home large enough to accomodate her as well. She declined and refused to sell her home. WELL... just as I expected my mom's health has declined over the past 2 years. She had a FT live in that she fired for NO REASON... The aide was AMAZING. She did absolutely everything for my mother. She was the best aide I've ever encountered. She became like a sister to me. I never had to worry about my mother not being cared for. My mother isn't and never has been an easy person to be around. Nothing makes her happy. She lies and manipulates to get her way. I am now staying with my mom and I've informed her this is temporary. I work from home during the day and my job is very demanding. We do have an aide during the day to care for her while I'm busy with work. HOWEVER, I'm at the end of my rope. Me living here has an expiration date that's about to come up. I'm angry because things could've been easier for me. I have no room in my new home for her. Additionally, I already have a daughter and two grandchildren who are living with me. Had she agreed to sell her home, the situation could've been different. No matter what she's my mother and I want to ensure she has care. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm at the end of my rope and it's time for me to go home. Also, my mother's finances are at the point of being gone. Her savings are about to be gone in approximately 5 months. There will be no aide for the day either. WHAT do we do??? If we sell her home, what options would be best?

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Call your Mom’s Area Agency of Aging . Look on the County website where your Mom lives , ask them to send a social worker out to do a needs assessment . Perhaps the social worker can talk Mom into placement .

When I did this the social worker told me to “ Stop helping , that’s the only way to get her to accept help from someone other than family “. They were willing to physically remove my mother from her home because she was unsafe to be alone . The social worker was scheduled to return two weeks after she came to do the assessment . She was going to bring help ( big men ) to remove mom and bring her to a facility that I picked out and they were expecting her that day . , But Mom ended up in the hospital before that . Then I told the social worker at the hospital what was supposed to happen . So she called the social worker from the Area of aging and they worked together to place my Mom . The original facility was able to rush getting her room ready and take her sooner than originally planned .

If that doesn’t work and Mom won’t leave her home , YOU leave and call APS .

Or the next time she ends up in the hospital refuse to take her home . Tell them she won’t let any hired help in the house and you can’t take care of her . They will place her in a facility .
If I was you I’d have a few picked out that they could try to send her to that have an open bed .

Your intervention should be
“ Mom the house will be sold and you will go to assisted living “.

Mom can not make decisions anymore . Don’t give her a choice in this matter . She will agree to get an aide in and fire them again and assume you will come . So long as she’s in control and you keep helping her she thinks she can stay in her home . She can not be reasoned with . She gets no choices offered in this matter .
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Reply to waytomisery
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"I have no room in my new home for her".

Done. Yes?

What does your Mother want to do?
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AllyCM Jul 2, 2024
My mother is impossible. Her only answer is staying in her home. I've suggested reverse mortgage to pay for a FT aide to be with her. However, we had a FT aide and that didn't work out previously. She ran that FT aide off. Who BTW was the most amazing human ever. I'll never find another equal to her. I'm currently staying with her but I cannot continue to live with my mother. It's toxic being here. It's very sad and breaks my heart that my mom doesn't want to enjoy what's left of her life. Every day it's drama, gossip, etc. She actually complains to the aide about me. It's utterly ridiculous because I've done so much around her home to improve her living. When I moved back east her house was a disaster from a brother that had been living here who was a filthy slob. I'm the cleaner in this family. LOL I clean up all the messes. I have my own health issues so I cannot continue. I have to rescue myself at this point.
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It sound like she will need to have some accident that brings her to the ER or hospital. When ready for discharge you should state that she is not safe alone. The staff will need to make the determination. Your best bet is to stay away for her to make stupid mistakes.
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AllyCM Jul 2, 2024
That's already happened. That was when I hired a FT aide to come live with her. She ran her off. I keep telling her I'm going home soon and she needs to make a decision because she cannot be left alone. It's been 2 years since that happened. Her money is about to run out. I've suggested a reverse mortgage to pay for FT live in care.
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You are sooo lucky Mom did not sell
her house yet because then you would be miserable living with her in your house .

DO NOT have Mom live with you . You are miserable now . It would be the same if she moves in . Mom sells her home and goes to assisted living .
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AllyCM Jul 2, 2024
I don't have room in my home so it's not an option anymore. I already informed her that she had the chance to sell and contribute to me purchasing a large enough home for her to live in with me. That opportunity has passed and she's not moving in with me. I've been staying with her but my time being here is running out.
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Sell her home and use the money for a facility. Living together will not work, trust me.
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AllyCM Jul 2, 2024
That's exactly what needs to be done!
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Get moms home sold if you have financial POA, then get her into Assisted Living where she pays her rent monthly till the funds run out. I'd also get her tested for dementia because she sounds a bit unhinged by letting her aide go for no good reason, lying and manipulating, etc. If she does have some dementia, get her into an AL that also has Memory Care available when needed.

Get down on your knees then and thank God she refused to move in with you because that would've been a real nightmare!
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AllyCM Jul 2, 2024
She definitely has dementia. She becomes combative and mean at times because she doesn't remember things. I've suggested selling her home and going into assisted living. She refuses... It's time for an intervention and making the decison for her I guess.
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She was stubborn and difficult when you tried helping before. DO NOT BRING HER TO YOUR HOME. Even if she begs! Unless you want your life and your kid's lives destroyed!

See a certified Elder lawyer for Medicare advice how to handle selling Mom's house and getting her placed in a facility.

She has proven to be unreasonable, especially after firing her excellent aide (for no reason).

Time to face reality, and Mom needs to be placed somewhere and cared for by professionals. Yes, you dodged a bullet....more like dodged a nuclear bomb!
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sp196902 Jul 1, 2024
"Yes, you dodged a bullet....more like dodged a nuclear bomb!"

- Damn straight!!!
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Sometimes we just have to let them fail. Sounds harsh but it’s not. You can’t make her smart, happy or healthy so get back to your own life and allow things to develop as they will. Sorry you’re going through this…
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AllyCM Jul 2, 2024
I do need to get back to my own life. I'm ready to pack my bags and go home soon. Reading everyone's responses makes me realize I'm not being unrealistic by telling her she needs to sell her home.
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Is she a candidate for assisted living? or memory care? or will she need to move directly to skilled nursing? Once you answer that question then you need to start looking for places near where you live so that she can be moved directly into the new location, not to your home. NOT EVER to your home. Hopefully, once she sells her home she can afford the new situation for a few years.

If she is still able to make her own decisions and refuses to make the move you let her know that you have to return to your home and she needs to figure out her situation. This is the stage we all hate - where our parent refuses to cooperate in making a move that is clearly in their best interest. As long as you are there, and as long as she has an aide she'll never move. Once she realizes she has no help, or has to call the rescue squad to get her up off the floor she may change her attitude. This is the waiting for the inevitable disaster stage. It will provide the impetus for the move, albeit unwillingly. So let her know that date that you are leaving and then go. It will be awful for you and she will be awful to you. But you'll never get her to make any change unless YOU CHANGE. Most of us here have been in a similar position and know it's not easy but it is necessary. She won't change her behaviour until you change yours. You have to be unwilling to negotiate or she'll continue to manipulate you.
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AllyCM Jul 2, 2024
That's the point I'm at... I've told her for two weeks now that I'm leaving soon and she needs to decide. I've got to just pack up and go home and see what happens.
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IMO you dodged a bullet when she didn't move in with you. Please read the many many many posts on this forum from adult children who thought that living with their aging -- and historically difficult -- parent was somehow a good idea.

You will have power to help her if she assigns you as her PoA. If she won't do this, I would consider this a deal-breaker for providing care in any way (and you won't legally be able to help her to the extent she will eventually need).

The "best" solution is for her to assign you as her PoA. Then you help her sell her home and she moves into AL that is in close proximity to you. Best doesn't mean easy... outside of this, especially if she's running out of funds, there's no other solution -- only "least bad" options.
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waytomisery Jul 1, 2024
“ historically difficult “

Love this phrase !!
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Hi, Ally. Right of the bat, this jumps out at me:

“My mother isn't and never has been an easy person to be around. Nothing makes her happy. She lies and manipulates to get her way.”

AND:

“I'm angry because things could've been easier for me. I have no room in my new home for her. Additionally, I already have a daughter and two grandchildren who are living with me. Had she agreed to sell her home, the situation could've been different …”

So you are angry an unhappy, lying, manipulative person can’t move in with you and make you and your daughter and grandchildren unhappy as well?!!

Of course there are many other issues and concerns here but I’d say you’ve dodged a bullet!
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Geaton777 Jul 1, 2024
haha snoopy we posted at the same time: "dodged a bullet"...definitely!!
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