What are some things that surprised you when you began to care for an aging relative?

If your grandmother gets to the stage where she needs more care, her family should have a plan in place where she moves to a facility that is capable of caring for her needs. This way you are truly free to visit her and be an emotional support for her.
I am caring for both my parents in their late 80’s who live in an independent living home. I prepare meals, do their housework, look after their meds etc etc. But I can go home and that makes a world of difference. My parents know that I set boundaries. If they need personal care they will need to move.
Caregiving can be all consuming. Be careful you don’t stretch yourself too thin and wear yourself out emotionally and physically.
I agree with others here that if you move in with your grandma then your other family members may check out. All the best!

Take her to doctor to request in-home physical therapy to help maintain strength in arms/legs. You have to find your routine with her - each person is different. You will be intruding on her privacy because her care involves everything...including those things that she considers personal right now.

I am 69 and sharing the care of my 95 year old mother with 2 sisters, one in her 70's and one just younger than I. We started this about 10 years ago, thinking that this would be something that would assist her to stay in her home for a few years. We never dreamed that it would last so long or take so much effort now, when we can barely manage our own homes.

I am trying to think of this from both perspectives: that of the caregiver and that of the older person. I could be either or both at this stage. From the point of view of the caregiver, we should have been much more clear with Mom and ourselves about what the criteria should be for Mom moving to residential care. We are doing far more than we would have agreed to and we are bearing the physical price for that. The best thing is that none of us live with Mom, so we can go home and retrieve our lives.

From the point of view of an aging mother/grandmother, I would really appreciate a grand-daughter who would move in for a year or two if my husband were to die. I would want company and a little help with the cleaning, maybe, but no personal care. If that should become necessary, I would want that grand-daughter to help me find a place in residential care.

I think the biggest red flags I see in your description are frequent falls and memory problems. Those can be issues that can rapidly become very difficult to care for. Worse, your grandmother will not be able to accurately assess her own condition. The changes will be gradual so it will also be difficult for you to decide whether this is a bad week or if she is beyond your ability to care for her.

If you have a strong bond with her, you may want to move in for a year or two to be available before and after work, but write down some very specific boundaries and read them regularly. Tell all other family members that this is a temporary gift to your grandmother and that you will end this arrangement at any time that ab or c happens.

Your list may differ, but the list we have for my mother includes: a) Mom must be able to care for her own personal hygiene, b) Mom must be able to get herself from her bed into her chair/scooter by herself and from the chair/scooter into the car, c) Mom needs to take her own medicine, d) Mom needs to be able to feed herself. You might also want to add that you must have the time necessary to tend to your own career and social life. You MUST have these.

If we had started this list properly before Mom got so bad we would have included that she would need to clean her own kitchen and stand long enough to prepare a simple meal and/ or clean up after the meal. From what we now know, we also would have absolutely included that she would need to be able to get up after a fall without assistance. Two of my sisters have had back surgery because of injuries incurred trying to help my mother up after falls. I have had 2 hip injuries sustained while trying to give Mom support. She should have been able to support herself, properly used her walker/scooter, or gone into residential care before we were injured.

Remember what they tell you in the airplane briefing for emergencies? Take care of yourself first, then assist those around you who are in need of assistance. Good luck.

I just want to share my "surprised" epiphany. I am an In home Caregiver, by profession, and I took on a 99 year old lady....4 years ago !!... When I started this job, I estimated it would be a short term thing, because,, how long could she live ? Now she will be 103 in a few months., Still walks fine, toilets herself. I make meals and give showers. Her dementia is getting pretty bad,, her short term memory is nil., But she has the BEST personality, and can remember every song she knew from 1920- on. She's delightful and funny, and a pleasure to be around. BUT... She is the exception to the rest.,,Make no mistake., you need to read all these answers,, and take them to heart ... These others have made mistakes so you don't have too.,, By the way.... Never, never NEVER assist her to get up if she falls. You think it'll be O.K just once,, but that's how caregivers end up in the hospital, meanwhile the patient will be sitting at home, wondering what's taken you so long to come make her lunch ...Really., call 911 and let the pro's handle it.,, ( don't even tell her,, just do it,, and tell her 'friends ' are coming to help. :) Good Luck

As people age and/or get sick, they will lose privacy. This is inevitable. Without knowing everything about your grandmother, has she seen what help in the home she is qualified for? My suggestion to you is to make sure grandmother is tapping into every program she can. If she can qualify for Medicaid now, she will have an easier time transitioning to other forms of care when that time arrives. Long-term care (nursing home) application will be easier, plus she may qualify for an extended rehab period if she needs that in future. Then, consider the way you help her to be a small supplement to her care. In the meantime, there will be CNAs, an occasional nurse supervisor, meals on wheels, and devices (like grab bars and med machines) provided. You should be part of a big team, because her needs will be more than one person can do. Plus, some of these people are well trained to identify when your grandmother may not be able to remain safely at home. Do not think that you can handle all her needs 24/7. If someone was hired from an agency to provide 24/7 care for grandmother, they would only be allowed to be there for 2.5 days. Then, they would be replaced with another worker so that they can go home and rest. IMHO you should consider taking on being responsible for grandmother for 2 to 3 days so that you can live your own life and and maintain perspective. She is lucky to have a loving granddaughter and if you want to help in the best way possible for the long haul you need to pace yourself.

One thing that I was not aware of was that my late mother had bowel incontinence. Soon found out after having to wipe bathroom daily BEFORE I COULD USE THE TOILET. Other than that, I knew my mother - a sugar coater.

Don’t go it. You won’t have a life. You must be young since she is your grandmother. Don’t do it.

If you are the granddaughter, where are her children?? MY husband and I moved in with his mom in 2003.. that was long before she started having dementia issues or fall issues. This is a big house and we were being moved out of the rental so my husband made the decision to move in here. She was 72 then and now she is 89 and will be 90 in May. she was very independent and would go on train to visit her sisters and go with us to Long Beach(WA) we live in WA state.. She has been legally blind all her life.. Her vision is like looking thru thin sheet of visquine plastic, but she managed. Her health progressively went down hill over the last few years.. She used to go for walks by herself and cook small meals for herself while my husband and I were at work. I work part time house cleaning so am around more.. feb of 2017 she was taking her nightly bath as she was still in her room upstairs and had her own bathroom. She apparently fell in tub that night and I was so out asleep in next room I did not hear her calling or her pounding on wall. She was in tub all night long. In morning I went in to tell her I was leaving for my dr. apt and found her in tub with towels she had wrapped herself in..She has a grab bar but could not see it or forgot it was there. She is a small frame but I still had to call fire dept to have them help me get her up. then in April 30 of that year she fell on her walk. the neighbor saw her go down and called 911. this was not the first time she had fallen but this was for a different reason. After being transported to hospital it was determined she had broken her hip. dr. thinks it was already broken but finally dislocated on her walk.
The care for her after herhip surgery and rehab for a month everything changed dramatically. We moved her downstairs.(no more steps) put in wall to wall carpet and she now is using walker. She does not cook, nor get her own meds nor bathe herself. She sits on bench in tub and I help her..
Do not feel guilty if you are unable to care for her, and as some comments were made it will only get worse.. My MIL's short term memory is nil and anxiety is not as bad since she has been on Mirtazipine which she takes at night. Her appetite is bad and we have to use creative techniques to get her to eat..
she does not watch tv, but wants it on for background noise. My life would be so different if we had not moved in We have some breaks as we hired my cousin and she lived here 6 months until her place became available. Do check out programs to get help for her. We have aid & attendance as her husband was in the military and she qualified for monetary help. There are agencies and other choices to make so I hope you weigh all your options before you decide to do care for her by yourself.. I hope this helps.. lots of shocks and changes have happened over a period of time here and still are. I will be 62 at the end of this month and I wish as much as I love my MIL I could put her in a care facility but she will never agree to it as long as her brain is still in charge of her body which for the most part is..my husbands brother lives about 30 minutes away and only comes for once every 4 to 6 months to visit. And once in a blue moon will stay with her for part of a day so we can get away otherwise my cousin comes to watch her.. don't know what I would have done with out her here for us..
I wish the best for you..

If you're asking what surprised us...for me, it was how frustrating and distressing it is dealing with all the needs and the dementia, which ONLY get worse, never better. I really didn't expect that.

And I had no idea how terrible dementia can be, how confusing it is, and how painful it is to see in a loved one.

It just grinds you down. And there are much, much worse stories than my own on this forum.

I'm surprised at how long she's lived, too! lol

I am incredibly fortunate that many years ago she foresaw that she'd need institutional care, and enrolled in Independent Living. Also, she was tired of all the chores she always had to do, living alone. Wanted a more interesting, social life. She got that.

It's a continuous care situation, so now that she's frail and has dementia, they still care for her. I'm forever grateful to her, because I would never have been able to provide care for her by this stage in her aging process.

I am curious how you came to be your grandmother’s caregiver. It’s a huge responsibility to be a caregiver.

Are you doing everything yourself? Caregiving is too much for one person.

It is draining to be a caregiver both physically and emotionally. I would not do it if your grandma has resources for an assisted living facility. If not, you could look into a nursing home. Speak to a social worker to help you see what is best for her situation.

Best wishes to you and your grandmother.

Your question is about what surprised us when we started to care for an aging relative. Just a little perspective from the other side of AFTER: Here's my biggest surprise of all. After years of care taking my Mom and living together, having my health take a hit some days, some of my friendships fall away, endless exhausted days and nights, I would do it ALL again in a heartbeat! 27 years together, many sacrifices made to look after her, many tearful nights, some guilt trips, etc etc etc. This afternoon Mom passed away in the hospital after being in for 10 days. My heart is broken and I feel so much pain and loss and hate being in this house without her. What I would give for more with her!!! In spite of the painful difficult times, when you are done, you will be honored to have helped a special relative.

In answer to your first question I was surprised how quickly many friends and relatives disappeared into the mist once I was a Caregiver. So called friends would say awful things thinking they were being helpful. As far as tips to help them feel cared for I would say to include them in your life, tell them about what has happened during the day and ask for their input on things you are interested in. Show interest in them and steer them toward memories of good times but don't lock them in the past. Learning new things and hearing about new things helps keep us young. Ask them to tell you about their younger days and really care about what they have to share.

My grandparents moved in with me when they were 100( My parents and siblings were no where to be found) . Grandpa had fallen and broken a leg. The rehab center let him get bed sores. I sprung him out and brought Grandma here too. He qualified for a daily aide and a wound nurse paid by medicare. The women sent were wonderful and trained me for the to dress the wounds. A CNA or aide was always here to do person care in the morning. The wound nurse came in the PM and took care of anything needed then. When my Grandma was unable to take care of herself I hired local women who worked in senior care to come help in the shower etc. Having help for all the bathroom stuff made it easier for all of us. Of course it was not always wonderful. Grandma wanted to moved to assisted living and fussed about it. She was legally blind and refused to wear her hearing aids... Grandpa was never happier. My kids were teenagers and helped around the house and visited with their Great Grandparents. My BF would bring me cooked meals and wine..... We got to know each other as we would never have had the opportunity had they continued to live 3 hours away. My mom on the other hand is not grateful, worse than grouchy and wants to have someone take care of her....... She has driven my siblings away and my visits are becoming less frequent. Fortunately my children live in other states and do not have to deal with her beyond a few "happy" visits a few times a year. I pray I am not like her.

One of the biggest surprises I faced was my  family member's apathy and lack of effort.  Being positive and encouraging her just did not help.  She wanted her old life back, but did not want to work for it.  Had to be her way, but there was no magic solution to make her way a possibility.  She spent most of her life getting rescued and she never really had to draw upon the inner strength that we need in times like this.  She wanted everything done FOR her and had no apparent interest in regaining skills to stay independent.   She pushed me to my limit and past my limit multiple times with her demands and complaints.   Sometimes it would be passive-aggressive "oh, don't worry about me" kinds of things as well.    For the record, she was seen by a neuro psychiatrist and other professionals during this time.    Sadly, the best we could do for her was place her in a facility where she can get 24/7 attention and care.  I also was surprised by how many people turned on me during this caregiving time.  Sad that so many "solid" people proved to be anything but that.   The whole experience was really an eye-opener.  And I realized I do not have a magic wand to make it all better.  I wish I did.