What are the financial, physical and emotional implications if my 81-year-old mother has to live with my husband and me? Any experience?

Don't take her in. She won't be happy and won't let you forget it. Find a situation that she can afford.

You don’t want to move her in… there is no “if”. Don’t do it. You know this will not work. Why are you even entertaining the thought? Do you feel like you’ll be a terrible daughter if you don’t?

Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do home care too, and now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically and even financially) and wish someone had warned them.

If she is insisting on a 2 bedroom, that means she wants her own space. As in all of it. A bedroom and bathroom in your home is not the same thing. She will want control over it ALL. In
your house she will resume her role
of the mother, and you will be the child.

Kindly consider:

-Any sort of schedule you have now will be out the window. 

-She may become attached to you. As in she will want to go anywhere you or you and husband are going. Follow you around at home. Not allow you any privacy. Panicking if she can’t lay eyes on you right now!

-Can you lift her if needed? 

-You may need an aide. Are you okay with workers (strangers) in your house?

-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed?Multiple times a day, and night too? If she is not incontinent now, it’s very possible she will be.

-Are you able to help with bathing?

-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely? 

-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need anything, but you'll find almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you want or need time out. 

-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? How long can she be left alone?

-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs? 

- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work the next day? Same goes for working from home. 

- If you get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?

- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into memory care or a nursing home? 

I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Most on here loved their elder dearly and wanted to care for them. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.

Living in her own place...just her.. and she "needs" a 2 bedroom, 2 bath place! Where does that put you and your husband in the household? She going to take over 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms? Are you going to give up the Primary bedroom Suite to her?
Why does she need 2 bedrooms? and 2 bathrooms? Is she a hoarder?
But the big question here is how does your husband feel about this? He is the one who should have the most say in this.
I would tell her to start looking elsewhere for an apartment.
Get on waiting lists.
Look for Senior housing.
(might even want to consider an investment and buy a condo and rent it to her. )

Since ""I am 81 years old, not five and I don't need my children telling me what to do".....then what does SHE propose to DO now that she can't afford her apartment? Don't make HER problem YOUR problem!

You've already said how you know it's unwise to take the woman into your home to live with you, so eliminate that thought from your head entirely! Then proceed accordingly.

Let her know that living with you is NOT AN OPTION, PERIOD. Then ask her what she plans to do once X date rolls around and her rent is more than she makes in Social Security earnings?

If she doesn't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!

Me- absolutely SURE I could do it. Me, nine sad months later- lesson learned.

Your mother has made it clear that she doesn't want you telling her what to do.

That doesn't stop you asking her what she plans to do, though. Her rent now exceeds her income by amount X per month. She has savings of amount Y. How long before Y is depleted? And what then?

Stop putting up ideas for your mother to knock down, and ask her what she is going to do. If she refuses to discuss it with you, ask her if she would like advice from a qualified professional. It may be that she doesn't want to look at the situation because it terrifies her, but that's a long, long way from any suggestion that she thinks moving in with you is the answer.

It is no longer about what she wants, it is about what she can afford, that is the bottom line.

Under no circumstances would I take her in, ever. She seems to know everything so I would just sit back and watch.

Don’t do it If you already have doubts believe me it will not be a good situation I took my mother in 5 years ago and totally regret it My retirement with my husband turned into being her caregiver She cannot afford to live on her own with rents the way they are In the last six months she has fallen and now cannot walk without a walker My sister used to help me out once a year by taking her into her home for 6 weeks to give me a break Now that is out the window because my mother cannot do the 15 stairs to get into the guest room in my sister’s house I am more stuck then I was before This is not the Retirement my husband and I envisioned It is not fair and stressful I wish I never took her in There is a ton of resentment because I feel my mother made so many bad decisions during her lifetime and I am the one suffering from her poor choices DO NOT DO IT!!!

No No No Why would she need gas electricity subsidy if she is living in your house? Subsidy is most likely for her home only. she needs to be moved to one bedroom one bath, She can't afford her wishes. It what she needs not wants.

Get the idea of "has to" out of your thought process.