My 80+ year old Mom is currently living independently in a 55+ apartment where her recent rent increase puts her monthly rent more than her sole income source, social security. Additionally, she insists she needs a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment which I feel is too much for her living there alone. She has some cash to get her through the next several months but my fear is that when the lease ends, she can no longer afford living there. I thought about this earlier this year when I was concerned about her financial situation and started looking around for more affordable housing, however, most places have 12 - 24 month waiting lists. She wasn't a bit interested so I have pulled back from trying to help. At one point, she told me "I am 81 years old, not five and I don't need my children telling me what to do".
I have read so many responses in this forum on taking an aging parent into your home and it seems the word has been, "Don't do it!" as it results in problems in the parent/child relationship, but more importantly, the husband/wife relationship of those that have done it, not to mention emotional issues. My husband and I are both retired and don't have financial resources to support her, nor do I want the full responsibility of being a caregiver. I have two siblings but neither of them is in a position to have her live with them.
If we take her in, how would it affect her ability to get the necessary financial assistance to get nursing home care if/when she needs it? Would it affect other benefits she is receiving today like the SNAP food program and other gas/electricity aid she is receiving? Would we become financially responsible in any way?
Sorry, so many questions but this has been burdening me since the beginning of this year.
Thank you in advance to anyone who can provide insight, guidance or advice.
Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do home care too, and now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically and even financially) and wish someone had warned them.
If she is insisting on a 2 bedroom, that means she wants her own space. As in all of it. A bedroom and bathroom in your home is not the same thing. She will want control over it ALL. In
your house she will resume her role
of the mother, and you will be the child.
Kindly consider:
-Any sort of schedule you have now will be out the window.
-She may become attached to you. As in she will want to go anywhere you or you and husband are going. Follow you around at home. Not allow you any privacy. Panicking if she can’t lay eyes on you right now!
-Can you lift her if needed?
-You may need an aide. Are you okay with workers (strangers) in your house?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed?Multiple times a day, and night too? If she is not incontinent now, it’s very possible she will be.
-Are you able to help with bathing?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need anything, but you'll find almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you want or need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? How long can she be left alone?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?
- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into memory care or a nursing home?
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Most on here loved their elder dearly and wanted to care for them. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
Why does she need 2 bedrooms? and 2 bathrooms? Is she a hoarder?
But the big question here is how does your husband feel about this? He is the one who should have the most say in this.
I would tell her to start looking elsewhere for an apartment.
Get on waiting lists.
Look for Senior housing.
(might even want to consider an investment and buy a condo and rent it to her. )
You've already said how you know it's unwise to take the woman into your home to live with you, so eliminate that thought from your head entirely! Then proceed accordingly.
Let her know that living with you is NOT AN OPTION, PERIOD. Then ask her what she plans to do once X date rolls around and her rent is more than she makes in Social Security earnings?
If she doesn't want to be treated like a child, then stop acting like one!
That doesn't stop you asking her what she plans to do, though. Her rent now exceeds her income by amount X per month. She has savings of amount Y. How long before Y is depleted? And what then?
Stop putting up ideas for your mother to knock down, and ask her what she is going to do. If she refuses to discuss it with you, ask her if she would like advice from a qualified professional. It may be that she doesn't want to look at the situation because it terrifies her, but that's a long, long way from any suggestion that she thinks moving in with you is the answer.
Under no circumstances would I take her in, ever. She seems to know everything so I would just sit back and watch.
Small yet so powerful!