What are the financial, physical and emotional implications if my 81-year-old mother has to live with my husband and me? Any experience?

It is no longer about what she wants, it is about what she can afford, that is the bottom line.

Under no circumstances would I take her in, ever. She seems to know everything so I would just sit back and watch.

If you're really so determined to ruin your life, take up meth. It'll be quicker and cheaper in the long run than taking in an entitled, elderly parent.

You know deep down that moving her in would be a mistake. So don't do it. Your brother has progressive MS and obviously can't help, but why give your sister the reason for not helping of lacking compassion? Why can't you give yourself a valid reason for not being her caregiver?

You wrote back in May that her lease was up at the end of September, and that you didn't know if there were any 1 bedrm 1 bath apts that would be available on Oct 1. What did you find out? Did she renew her lease on the 2 bedrm 2 bath apt for another year?

You wrote in your profile that she has mobility problems and UTI. How is she cognitively? Does she handle her own finances? What do you do for her now?

Your mother has made it clear that she doesn't want you telling her what to do.

That doesn't stop you asking her what she plans to do, though. Her rent now exceeds her income by amount X per month. She has savings of amount Y. How long before Y is depleted? And what then?

Stop putting up ideas for your mother to knock down, and ask her what she is going to do. If she refuses to discuss it with you, ask her if she would like advice from a qualified professional. It may be that she doesn't want to look at the situation because it terrifies her, but that's a long, long way from any suggestion that she thinks moving in with you is the answer.

Can you sign her up on those waiting list without her knowledge. Not sure about legality of that but sounds like you are working on backup plans so if she is on the list you might only have a short term problem. I think Barb is 100% right to not get involved in her finances but I’ve read so many stories of people taking the parent into their home because the parent made no plans and backed them into a corner. I would put her on every list in town and if you can short term I would help with her rent till she gets in somewhere. Maybe the siblings could help with that. Good luck!

One potential red flag I would consider is that she is currently living beyond her means. Sounds like she insists that she “needs” a 2 bedroom unit when her budget + the raised rent might mean that even a 1 bedroom unit could be a stretch. Unrealistic expectations on her part are bound to be an issue.

I’m realizing that almost all of my frustrations stem from my parents’ unrealistic expectations. They want to continue to drive when it is clearly not safe for them or anyone else on the road. They wanted to stay in their home when it was not a safe situation and they couldn’t afford to do so long term. They want to handle their finances but went months without paying bills including the mortgage. Just know that these are only the larger of the battles. It’s constant when they are under your roof. Medication, Doctor appointments, Meals, Exercise…you’ll get to help manage all of it and they won’t want to be “treated like they are 5”. I get that and don’t want them to feel like they are helpless but in some ways, they truly have lost the ability to care for themselves and it is frustrating to them, too. Roles really do get reversed and, in my case, it has been stressful for everyone.

I’m sure it works for some families. It was not the best decision for us and I wish I’d found another option. We’ll make it work but I am realizing that we’ll need to find a better solution one day. In moving them in with me, I may have made the transition into some sort of care facility that much harder on them. At the time, I just felt pressure to get them out of their unsafe situation ASAP. That is the other fun part of caretaking for me. I second guess myself constantly which just adds to the stress.

You don’t want to move her in… there is no “if”. Don’t do it. You know this will not work. Why are you even entertaining the thought? Do you feel like you’ll be a terrible daughter if you don’t?

Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do home care too, and now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically and even financially) and wish someone had warned them.

If she is insisting on a 2 bedroom, that means she wants her own space. As in all of it. A bedroom and bathroom in your home is not the same thing. She will want control over it ALL. In
your house she will resume her role
of the mother, and you will be the child.

Kindly consider:

-Any sort of schedule you have now will be out the window. 

-She may become attached to you. As in she will want to go anywhere you or you and husband are going. Follow you around at home. Not allow you any privacy. Panicking if she can’t lay eyes on you right now!

-Can you lift her if needed? 

-You may need an aide. Are you okay with workers (strangers) in your house?

-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed?Multiple times a day, and night too? If she is not incontinent now, it’s very possible she will be.

-Are you able to help with bathing?

-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely? 

-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need anything, but you'll find almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you want or need time out. 

-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? How long can she be left alone?

-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs? 

- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work the next day? Same goes for working from home. 

- If you get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?

- If you are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her into memory care or a nursing home? 

I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Most on here loved their elder dearly and wanted to care for them. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.

No No No Why would she need gas electricity subsidy if she is living in your house? Subsidy is most likely for her home only. she needs to be moved to one bedroom one bath, She can't afford her wishes. It what she needs not wants.

Living in her own place...just her.. and she "needs" a 2 bedroom, 2 bath place! Where does that put you and your husband in the household? She going to take over 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms? Are you going to give up the Primary bedroom Suite to her?
Why does she need 2 bedrooms? and 2 bathrooms? Is she a hoarder?
But the big question here is how does your husband feel about this? He is the one who should have the most say in this.
I would tell her to start looking elsewhere for an apartment.
Get on waiting lists.
Look for Senior housing.
(might even want to consider an investment and buy a condo and rent it to her. )

Don't do it. As she points out, she's not 5 and doesn't want your help and thus won't cooperate with any plan you make.

Is she managing her own finances?

I'll only comment on the emotional impact, hopefully others will know about funding issues.

Two Queens does not make a happy castle... but, some families do make it work.

Are you considering a short, temporary situation while other options are explored? Or all in?

Have seen what Glad described. The resentment at not being able to live alone, or forced to downsize directed at the offspring that took them in. Maybe deep down they had graditude but the mixture of unhappiness, possible depression, adjustment to this life change brought out the snarls & snarks.

Then there is the sibling issue. Even equal share-caring siblings have their problems (& that is not on offer anyway).

Holidays for two? Or three?

If you suspect that these issues will cause negative impacts.. don't set yourself & your Mom up for misery - help her look for an alternative.

Don't take her in. She won't be happy and won't let you forget it. Find a situation that she can afford.