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Looking for advice, I'm trying to keep my own stress levels down bc I have high BP and panic disorder. My 63 yr old father has a major drinking problem. He foolishly moved my grandmother out of her apt she had lived nearly ten years. It was a 55+ community where she had friends, sense of community, a store literally steps away and emergency services at the push of a button. Now, they are in a condo that absolutely sucks and she's very isolated and sad. She just lost her son who was my dad's twin and about a year or so ago she started exhibiting signs of dementia. Her mental state has really declined. She should be on a facility or have an aide that can come by. I try to help him but bc of issues we've had in the past I struggle to stay there even five min. My heart races, I sweat, feel nauseated and want to flee. He will do things like call me at the last min to give her a shower or fix her tv bc she messed it up. Usually I do give her a shower but I won't stop what I'm doing to do the tv he really wants someone to watch her so he can do his thing. Idk this post is looking for advice as well as venting. I'm 37 I have a 19 year old son and in between jobs and my mental health has been an issue w panic disorder. There's no way I can take care of her and I'm angry w my dad for thinking it was even ok to remove her from where she was...

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Is your Dad the PoA for your grandma? If not, he has no legal authority over her. In this case you may choose to contact a social worker to get her/them on the radar of social services or APS. If he is endangering her then the county may move to attain guardianship. I found working with the county social workers was an very good experience in the case of my own in-laws.
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I think with your own health issues & panic disorder, the last thing you need is to be worrying about your father AND your grandmother, and/or getting guardianship for either one of them, personally. In reality, your grandmother is your father's problem to handle as he sees fit. He needs to hire an aide to come in and shower her once you tell him NO dad, I cannot possibly shower grandma any longer, I'm way too busy. Send him a link to Care.com or the name of a local agency where he can hire someone to come into their condo to help grandma out. Tell him you won't drop what you're doing, either, and come over to fix her TV set. There's a great service here where I live called The Handyman Connection. Look on Google in your area and text dad with a similar service who he can call to help HIM out with things he can't be bothered doing himself. Booze comes first in his life, after all, so his mother comes second. You can't go over there and tend to matters that are HIS responsibility b/c it puts you into panic mode, and that just exacerbates the issue, so don't do that to yourself. Set down some firm boundaries with the man, letting him know what you're no longer willing to do for grandma and what he MUST step up to the plate to provide for her (in terms of care); grandma can pay for those services, of course, but dad has to set them up and allow the CGs to come into the home.

If grandma is exhibiting signs of dementia, she would no longer fare well in an independent living apartment and would do much better in Assisted Living with a Memory Care annex IF she has the money to private pay. You could always suggest that arrangement to your father over the phone if you think he'd be amenable to such a thing. Otherwise, your hands are tied really b/c this is his mother you're dealing with and he probably has POA for her.

Come here to vent anytime, and/or to ask for advice. Many people are in the same boat you're in so you're bound to get some counsel from people you can relate to.

Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation.
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You can report the situation to APS and if they find during an investigation that either one is unsafe they will step in. Or your State has an Elder Abuse hotline that you can report the situation to.
You could try to file for Guardianship for your Grandma. At least if you are her Guardian she will be safe(r). At that point you can move her to a Memory Care facility that will be able to care for her 24/7 as she declines.
I suppose at some point you will also have to deal with your father as well and finding care for him as well. (get one thing taken care of first)
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