This will be a lengthy message, but I'll just go for it even though no one may read this, being stuck and confided in my mind daily with no one to talk to feels pulverizing. I'm 17 years old and ever since my dad, 65 years old, begin to be in elder stage around a month ago, he's been having body balance and memory issues, sometimes needing help by lifting him up from the bed and the sorts, forgotten if he had placed things back to where they were before when he had already done it a few minutes ago, having a memory hallucination for 3 times already that there's a girl older than me living together with us when I'm an only child. My father became more short-tempered than in the past, he would give me some slaps that don't really make me feel physically hurt, only feeling degraded, just the kind of slaps that's strong enough to feel the physical impact, but not to hurt physically, whenever he gets displeased or angry at my failure to understand what he wants, getting my attention, making mistakes, what chores I'm supposed to do and how to do it (My parents seldom to make me do chores as they're the one who does it when I was young to give me a carefree life to play and study. So I have almost no experience and it's only now that my dad wants me to do chores since he genuinely needs help). He would whispers angrily "ShaBi" which means Stupid C*nt in his native language (He taught me swear words in his native language for fun which it indeed was. But now, it feels terrible fully understanding what he curses as it feels degrading to me). Every time he shouted at me, I lose my appetite. There was even one time I tried not to eat at all for 3 days and got successful before I called it quits since my father was sleeping a lot at that time, so he couldn't pay close attention to me. Whenever I see his irritated expression, I feel displeased. Every morning I wake up, I don't feel that chillness that I used to feel every day before, I feel dread (dread may be too heavy from what I searched, I think what I feel is more closer to unease and some anxiety) . Once, after I cried because of him and calmed down, my heart felt pain every time I breathe in, couldn't breathe as deeply as I could until after 3 days that it went back normal and I searched on the Internet about it and identified that I may have gotten Broken Heart Syndrome. And when he saw my self-harm, he got angry which is a normal reaction, but it made me irritated because "you slap me when I'm doing badly, so why can't I do it myself to punish myself? “I didn't voiced that to avoid tension rising. It pisses me more that he expects me to behave like a gentle, sweet, docile and patient person with him when he behaves like that. I noticed that I've gotten verbally deflective with him recently, getting easily annoyed by him even if he just sighs and started to disdain being near him and when he told me that he'll teach me about chores, I felt anger which never happened before as I would be okay with it like "Oh, cool, knowledge!" in the past. Once, I gotten too fed up with him, that I pushed him in a force that's enough to create a distance between us, not to the point of him being on the floor nor to injure him. Once I tried to discuss to him about me thinking about the possible consequences of a person's treatment to another and the emotional and mental health simply because it's something I'm very really interested in and then he shouted at me to shut up and that it's not my business which is true, but it really hurt me emotionally especially with the feeling that I'm stuck in my mind without anyone willing to hear me. I have these desires and impatience for my life to finish already, I don't want to continue anymore, just let my conscious end and I found out to successfully die actually takes effort to do it in my perspective because I failed which I feel sorrow and cried as that means I have to continue my life due to failing to die. I resent him, but I don't think I really hate him.
Help and resources are available 24/7 at https://www.childhelphotline.org/ as well.
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Admins: Self reporting my answer so you can address suicidal ideation in our young OP's post.
Stuck:
I am so very sorry for all you are going through. Please call the helpline above for help; they will help you. JoAnn is correct, you are underage. If you are currently still in school go to your principal or your school counselor or a favorite trusted teacher today. Tell them what you have told us.
It does sound very much as though your father has early onset Alzheimer's. He is very young and he may live with this condition for many years as it worsens gradually. We here don't need to know (and can do nothing about ) daily incidents such as slapping, but you should call Child Protective Services in your town today or the local Sheriff Office or Police Station to report. CPS can help you find a way to have Dad assessed and placed in care. So can your school or even your FORMER school if you have graduated. They can guide you to help.
I don't know where your other relatives are in all this? Who else is in your family to help you.
My heart goes out to you. Get help from adults, OK?
Much of your wish to get out of life reflects the helplessness of the position you are in. We don't even as human beings have a fully developed frontal lobe in our brains until we are 25. You are just in the beginnings of a long journey to have a whole and beautiful life.
Your Dad can be helped by the State if needed; your own job is to make a good solid and happy life for yourself, to get an education so you can get a job good enough that you are never beholden to another person again and can take care of yourself. I highly recommend self-defense classes to you if they are available through local youth centers; they will empower you to feel the wholeness of your unique being so that NO ONE will ever dare to abuse you. They will teach you control and a feeling of strength from within yourself. If you cannot now attend then look them up on youtube under "Self Defense for Women".
Best of luck to you.
In the US, we have Child Protection Services that help children like you. If Mom will do nothing and you have something like this, I would call them.
Thank you.
Would counseling be available to you , or talking to a clergyman ?
If you have in your country a suicide hotline number , call it .
At a last resort , hopefully you finish school soon and can leave , move out either for a job or college . You should move out as soon as possible for your mental health .
And speaking of age, 65 is not old(I am 65 and am far from being old)and if your father has been showing signs of something not being right he should go to his doctor as it could be something as simple as a UTI that is causing these changes.
But actually I am more concerned about you and the fact that you would rather be dead at your young age. That is very sad and I hope that you'll call the suicide hotline at 988. They are available 24/7.
And also know that you NEVER have to tolerate abuse from anyone, including your father.
You say in your reply below that you often visualize murdering your father, which is beyond disturbing and concerning as well. YOU NEED HELP!!!
I hope you have some other adults or teachers that you can share your concerns/feelings with, and that will truly listen to you.
God bless you, and PLEASE reach out to get the mental help that you so desperately need.
I would suggest rather than all the detail, the he said, he did etc, locate adults you trust to talk to. (A forum of strangers is very limited).
Do you have a school councellor?
Is there a local youth support service or helpline?
Summarise it into 'problems at home' & ask who you can call to talk to.
Like with me, that's way too young to start caregiving for a parent. Assuming your mom was also old when you were born, our dilemmas are why I oppose the idea of older couples trying to have kids. They don't know how devastating caregiving can be, particularly for someone that's at or near early adulthood and has to hit the pause button on life and delay things like a career and independence.
Try to find a way and place to vent and blow off some steam.
And I hate to say this. With you not being keen on getting extra help and not big on putting him in a nursing home, you're basically stuck between a rock and a hard place. Until you and your family decide to get extra help, assuming you have the financial means as well as willingness, caregiving will go on for a very, very long time and you can only hope it doesn't end with your dad passing away. Aside from my time in college, I've been helping my mom for almost a decade and a half.
Way too young to think your life should end now, its just beginning.
You could use counseling, I dont know if that is an option
Either that or fly the coop, get the heck out of there
It doesn't help that me and my dad are in a third world island country where the nations' IQ is officially low compared to other countries, which in my dad's mindset, instinctively thinks everyone around him in the country we live in are stupid, including me. So, it's most likely he'll not seriously take advice from other people around us regarding about himself. I don't trust the nursery homes in the country we live in, will take care of my dad well and may anger him more, and we don't trust hiring a caretaker as they may steal something from us or sell our information to somewhere (My dad have history of his things getting stolen in the island country). I firmly believe my dad would feel better and more trusting in countries that have dilligent and fast workers such as Japan, etc and I would definitely feel assured to place him in a nursery homes in such a country. Sometimes, I think about what other nations such as Europe and Asia would've behave, and then I concluded that perhaps they won't behave like me, they'll just bare with it and still behave sweetly to my dad, they'll be more patient and definitely do more better than me. They'll not envision murdering him in several ways and have the impulse to do so, his behavior is even ingrained inside my dreams. Whenever he gets angry at me, I have these thoughts of "You're angry at me. Then, I'll make you more angrier so you'll die sooner. By your own self" which makes me feel and consider that I'm really not a child good enough for my dad. (Although lately I've been feeling less impulsive feeling maybe because that means my tolerance is improving. It's not assuring for me because I am afraid I might blow up and do something illegal at one point. I don't really like that I'm sensitive to criticisms because how can I grow and develop as a person if I can't take them well for my improvement?)