My mother has always been manipulative. I am my father's only child. She has five other children I'm the youngest. When my father died it was automatically assumed I would be the one with mom. I had my own place at the time. I brought her to live with me. It was a lot of going back and forth between my place and her wanting to go to her house. When my lease was up I moved in. I could write a book. The other siblings never even asked if they could take her grocery shopping 2 are five minutes away. She was always manipulative. One day 2 years ago, I threw my hands up and told my sister if she think she can do a better job come get her. Well that lasted for one year until she accused my sister of trying to poison her. My sis called me one day while I was in the middle of moving told me she can't stay there. I was in a new city had to get my mother. Things haven't been the best. I noticed her acting strange a few days ago and called the paramedic. To my surprise I find out today she told ER doctor, I was abusing her with my husband. Thank God I have POA or I wouldn't have known. My mother has dementia but she is very convincing. They do not ask the right questions at the hospital. All they ask is who is the President? Do you know what city you're in? Then just based on that, say she's competent. Apparently, they called a social worker to further investigate the issue and concluded my mother's allegations we're not substantiated.

My mother does not like to be told she is smelling of urine and she needs to wash and change herself. She refuses to get in the shower with help. When I told her she was smelling last week and that my husband noticed it too she cursed me out worse than any sailor. She is the abusive one. She hates being told anything about her bad hygeine. When I try to help she refuses. So it could look like I'm neglecting her. It doesn't help where I am living now doesn't even have washer and dryer hookups. She hates when I say "Mom I'm resting now."" Mom you can't knock on our bedroom door at 2:00am my husband gets up at 5am." I told the hospital it would be best to discharge her to rehab for now. She is 83. I'm angry and hurt I have been caring for her for 8 years. I'm worried about these false allegations following me. Even though it was dismissed. It's still in the hospital notes. Any help is appreciated thank you.

It seems you were kind of struggling with Mom's behaviour.. that Mom's dementia brought hard to manage behaviours : refusing hygiene care, delusions, paranoid thinking.

So the question started with "what can you do..?"
I would say separate everything into what is within your control & what isn't.

Now to this latest turn - Mom's behaviour worsening. Being stressed, being in unfamiliar surrounds, strange noises, many many new people to deal with. No surprise her behaviour is worse really... Plus the medical reasons of course.

These definately fall outside what you can control.

I think some 'letting go' will start to help. Not turning your back, but letting go of what was. The Mom you have *now* needs secure round the clock care. Probably some assessments & then hopefully some medications to bring some of her mental anguish under control (if possible).

Take a breather for yourself while Mom is being looked after.

You are Mom's POA, yes? If so, start discussing the various discharge options with the hospital social worker. Plan A rehab, Plan B temporary care, Plan C permanent care etc.

If Mom's needs have moved beyond your home, say so now. Take that option out of planning.

Your Mom's health & behaviour are outside your control. That's the takeaway.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Beatty

Yes to what Margaret said -- this is a good thing, because she won't be coming back to your house (right????).

Do not accept her back to your house under any circumstances, even if they claim they have gotten her stable. No more living with you. Please stand firm on this.

If any of your 5 siblings don't like the idea of you not taking her back, then let that sibling take her in.

Please keep us updated!
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Reply to CTTN55

Sometimes good things come in unexpected packages. You now have grounds for saying that coming back to your house or to independent living is an unsafe discharge. Stand your ground, and they will have to find a facility that will take her. That will be the end of her abuse allegations.

It must be very upsetting for you (and not much fun for her or anyone else involved), so stay strong, get it documented, and give the facilities your sympathy. Tell them how hard it has been for you to get this documented and dealt with appropriately – with luck you will get their sympathy too. Yours, Margaret
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

Thanks everyone here's an update. They discharged her from the hospital. I spoke to her and she seemed perfectly fine with going to rehab. Lol and behold they called me she was cursing and screaming and accused staff if trying to kill her. She said the paramedics touch her in her privates and yelled at her. She kept saying she called the cops and was going to put everything on the news. She kept insulting staff members on their looks,nationality and anything she could think of. This went on for about 90 minutes. They called and told me they were sending her back to the ER. I told them to please document her behavior. I hate that she was so mean to them. But at least now I have witnesses toher extreme verbal abuse. She wouldn't let them give her meds or bathe her. I have seen her combative but this is the worse. It seems her dementia has progressed very. quickly.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Prettywitty

While in rehab you have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found she qualifies for it, then have her transferred from the Rehab to LTC or an AL, whatever SHE can afford. If no money then its LTC on Medicaid. Where I live, Rehab is in the same building as LTC so easy transferring from one area to the other.

I think you have done ur time. When sister tried to send her back, you could have said NO. So now is the time, No Mom cannot return to my home. I just can't do it anymore.
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Reply to JoAnn29

Well in our case, at least FIL's accusations have not escalated to physical abuse (though I honestly wouldn't put it past him in the future it he thought it would serve his purposes simply because he projects what HE would do on to us and he was physically abusive of his children when they were young) He basically accuses us of everything else in the book. He makes up outrageous things constantly. He is a textbook narcissist and if he is talking he is usually lying. He honestly can't even keep up with his own lies because we think we have the early signs of dementia on top of the narcissism to deal with - which makes for an interesting cocktail and most days we aren't even sure what we are dealing with.
Due to the narcissism he is incapable of accepting responsibility for anything so he makes up reasons/excuses for everything. He tells people so many lies about us he really can't remember what lies he told them, and if he gets called on the lies - and even show him outright proof that he did it(even video proof) he will say it wasn't him. It puts us in awkward positions frequently with flying monkeys.
But it has also had an interesting impact. We have selectively chosen the people we defend ourselves to. We chose the people that matter. The rest we ignore. The ones that matter we tell the truth. The rest we just let it go. Because the reality with him is that he trips himself up. We don't have to do much clean up because at some point he does it for us with another lie. No matter how convincing or "poor, elderly, disabled me...look at how they treat me" he can come off at first...eventually he messes himself up.

Some people are much more convincing and that is terrifying. I think we just got lucky in that for all of the lies he tells, he's not really super convincing in them. We can basically just "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" medical professionals and they just roll their eyes (which is pretty sad for him if you think about it). Close family outside of us are almost non-existent, his grands don't talk to him, he has one sister that plays both sides of the fence to keep him calm, and my MIL's side of the family he has completely alienated.
His "friends" we don't even bother with....they basically think we are the devil incarnate "according to him". BUT they also don't do anything to "help" him based on his claims. Meaning we KNOW what he has told them....and based on what he has told them...the fact that they have never once come to his home to check on him, have never once sent police for a welfare check or sent APS for a welfare check....they clearly don't care enough...or they don't believe his ridiculous claims about being locked in his room(which by the way is a bonus room that he chose 30 years ago and one side of it doesn't even HAVE a door, just how he would be locked in I don't know - that's where his stair lift chair is installed) and never let out for example (complete garbage - he has free reign of the house - it's HIS house that he shares with my BIL and SIL - he chooses not to leave his room!!)

So as to what we do....we let him self destruct and stand by and watch. In our case, he's not complex enough to keep his stories straight. We've never done any of the things he says. And it helps that there are 4 of us to back each other up. And he has a proven track record of making stuff up constantly. He's the boy who cried wolf.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BlueEyedGirl94

"I am my father's only child. She has five other children I'm the youngest. When my father died it was automatically assumed I would be the one with mom."

Why? Are your 5 siblings by the same father? Or 5 different fathers? Did your mother leave their father for yours? Just trying to understand the family dynamics.

"One day 2 years ago, I threw my hands up and told my sister if she think she can do a better job come get her. Well that lasted for one year until she accused my sister of trying to poison her. My sis called me one day while I was in the middle of moving told me she can't stay there."

What should have happened then is that you refused, and then your sister would insist that one of the other 4 take her. And if no one agreed to do that, another arrangement would have happened.

8 years -- you've done your time. Smells? No washer and dryer? Being awakened in the middle of the night? Being accused of abuse? She is NOT your responsibility. Why does YOUR life matter less than your siblings' lives? Why do they get to say no to having her live with them and you can't?

So is she going to rehab? Please insist on it. Please make sure the discharge planner knows that you are no longer able to take care of her. Please do NOT accept her back into your home even temporarily. (That's a method they use -- they will try to find something while you take her home. Not true -- once she's discharged to you they stop looking -- YOU become the solution.) Resign your POA. Keep us posted -- we will support you!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to CTTN55
Prettywitty Nov 3, 2022
Thanks for asking.The family dynamics are indeed complicated. My mother had children earlier in her life. She met my father many years later, married and had me. My father did well for himself and quiet honestly so did my mom. With all of her faults, she was a steady hard worker. Well I didn't know a few siblings envied me until my father died. Then their true colors showed. My father deeded his half of the primary house to me. There is also a rental property. My mom gets SS and a pension. It's decent but not enough to pay exorbitant ALF prices. Yet it's well over medicaid income limits.
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To elaborate on what I said previously, please notice that your sister figured out how to protect herself from false accusations. By having mom live elsewhere. You need to do the same.

The questions they ask at a hospital to determine competency and the right of self-determination are just fine. Your mom has delusions (possibly from a UTI) but that doesn't mean she gets her rights taken away.

Alow her to make her own bad decisions. To live on her own or in a facility. Just not with you, because you too have the right of self-determination and to say who you allow in YOUR home.

Don't let them guilt you into accepting discharge. Say "no, I can't possibly do that".
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

If she’s not with you, you won’t be accused again. Or if you are, it will be provably untrue. Go no contact. This person has no right to continue making your life miserable.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Fawnby

From rehab she goes...elsewhere.

Either she becomes a long term care resident at that facility or she is discharged to a shelter.

Talk to the social worker at the rehab about where your mother will reside next. Resign your POA and allow her to become a ward of the state would be my suggestion.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Find her another place to live.

Nursing home, Assisted Living, cardboard box under the nearest bridge, wherever.

Don't allow someone like that to live with you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to ZippyZee

I agree with having her to go from the hospital to rehab. Have they come up with any diagnosis? I would totally take advantage of this golden opportunity - rehab and then rehab turns into whatever the most appropriate setting for her is.

I'm sorry that she falsely accused you of misconduct. It is very common with dementia but still totally annoying and hurtful.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to againx100

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