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I totally agree with isthisreallyreal. My aunt has severe dementia. Unfortunately they do not associate reasoning well any longer with dementia. There out burst are because they know something is wrong with them, but still fight for there independence.
I learned when my Aunt has her out burst, I let her get it out, yes, let her get it out of her system, and I do not respond to anything she says. If no one responds then she stops eventually. Like no one is listening. Her out burst use to last as long as your Mom's, now they last for 30mins at a time.
They do learn even with dementia all that screaming and yelling doesn't change anything. Now my Aunt get prescription from doctor to calm her and it worked. We have not had an out burst for 3 whole weeks now. Knock on wood...
Ask you Mom's Doctor if he can prescribe meds to calm her if possible. Stay strong, we all know the struggles as caregivers.
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I am sorry your mother is such a monster. Can the doctor medicate her to stop this behavior? If not, and I know people will disagree with me, I would explode and scream at her so loudly and strongly that she would shake in her boots - that she either stop the behavior at once or you will dump her wherever. What I am saying is this - I don't care why she is doing this - she has no right and it is negatively impacting everyone around her and this CANNOT BE TOLERATED. YOU have to become very tough and immediately put her in her place, no sweetie pie, this or that - you tell her off so she understands. And you immediately do whatever you can to remove her and place her somewhere before she destroys everyone who is not harming her. You cannot allow this - no matter who or what or why - ever. Think of YOURSELF first now.
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Riley2166 Oct 2020
If you hold your feelings in, YOU will be DESTROYED. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. My blood is boiling when I hear how mean these people are to those that take care of them. It must be stopped by whatever means are necessary. Perhaps put her in a room and lock the door if she acts out - but she has to be stopped by any means.
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My mom was going down that road at her AL and they wanted to give her halperidol--calling her doctor and asking for a prescription--without even asking me what I thought. After finding out from her doctor that halperidol is given in end-of-life situations and my mom wasn't a candidate, I looked into some alternatives. We settled on 20 mg/day of CBD oil capsule.

The calming effect, as well as helping her arthritis pain, is amazing. She's not out of it or stoned because there's no THC in it, just calmer. And able to communicate better, and I think happier overall. I'd research interactions with her current medications as it didn't mix well with the Seroquel they had my mom on at night. Fortunately, we were able to stop the Seroquel and she sleeps just fine.

Good luck!
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Frances73 Oct 2020
After my mother was moved from a nursing home to memory care I discovered, unknown to me, the staff had been requesting meds to keep her calm, eat better, sleep better, etc. the combination turned her into a zombie! The only way I found this out is when I reviewed the bill from the pharmacy.

The nurses at her new home took her off all those drugs, get her up and involved in daily activities that engage her mind and body. Now she is on a regular schedule, is eating well, sleeping well, and is not having periods of agitation. They administer melatonin when she’s restless at night because the dementia messes up the biorhythms and causes them to have disrupted day/night cycles.
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I would suggest speaking with her doctor about a small dosage pill that would take the edge off of her anger. My husband of 51 years had dementia and was always a sweetheart but after his stroke and the onset of dementia he became OCD and was forever playing with whatever was within his reach. Trashcans provided lots of entertainment for him taking things out and putting them back in over and over again. However, trashcans are not clean and sanitary places for entertaining oneself. I tried moving them and providing manipulation toys and other rehab items but he still wanted the paperwork in the trash. (He was the President of a company and dealt with lots of paperwork daily) I mentioned this to his doctor who suggest the mild calming small once per day pill. It did wonders for him and he could rest calmly focus and watch and enjoy tv programs such as his much beloved football. Good luck.
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After reading all of these posts, I have only one thought that I will follow up on right away for my own future care....this won't help the poor situation these writers are in, but will help their own families when they themselves are failing. See an attorney now and make out some kind of "plan for my care in case..." and make sure your family knows where it's located. We can make life so much easier for our family if we have such an order in place. Such as..."don't hesitate to place me in a facility that is capable of caring for me...whatever my condition is. I know you love me and would care for me to the bitter end. However, I want you to have a happy and free life, and I know you'd never admit that I was a burden. But I pray you won't become a martyr to my care and lose your own self in the process. Just find the best facility available and know you are fulfilling my end of life wishes, even though I may scream and curse at the time. I will always love you, even if I deteriorate into a condition where you can't think that I do.
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Frances73 Oct 2020
Thanks my plan too!
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My husband of 54 years has Major FrontoTemporal Dementia Neourocognitive disorder and behavioral disturbance. He is abusive in too many ways at times. Anything can be a trigger. These help -
Diverting.
Sometimes I leave and ask ministers and counselors to call him.
Most times I’m able to gently hold both his ears ( so he gives ME all his attention) and kiss him and again tell him we are a team, and we love each other. Then divert !!!
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ExhaustedOne, YOU'RE EXHAUSTED!!! YOU'RE BURNED OUT!!! Been there. Sometimes you can't distract these people. They don't fall for it. When they think you're treating them like a child, they get mad about that. They're still smarter than you might think. They get to the point nothing works! Your mother is there with you and you're to the breaking point. It's time for your mother to go to a facility. You're right--she'll never be that "fun person" you're hoping will emerge. Ain't gonna happen. Ignore her? She'll tear up your house while you ignore. Music? My husband hated music. If you wanted something thrown in your face, pull out a CD. TV? Radio? Too much stimulation. Read to him? Wouldn't listen. Visitors? Substitute caregiver? Nope. Get them out. Drugs? Made it worse. Go for a ride? They'll grab the steering wheel. Oh, and try to take over the driving. And if she doesn't know who you are? She'll come after you. You're an imposter in her sight. And it will accomplish nothing to jump in and tell her exactly what you think. She won't "get it", your blood pressure will go sky high, and you'll just have guilt later. PLEASE get her into a facility. Do it "FOR YOU!!!" And don't be surprised if she gets thrown out and you'll have to find another place. If your mother is bad enough, they won't be able to handle her either. Be prepared. Been there.
You have my prayers.
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Oh, ExhaustedOne, I busted out laughing when I read your internal outburst! It’s EXACTLY what I want to scream at my poor DH and I don’t even have to put up with anger issues. Worst I have to deal with is his never-ending false memories, which mostly involve his first wife being here and coming for his money and possessions. She’s a lovely woman who generously made a place for me with her kids and grandkids and it frustrates me and hurts my heart to hear him go on about her nefarious ways. But he’s mentally living 35-40 yrs ago, so he’s worried about what he can lose due to the divorce. And he figures he must be divorced since he’s married to me, although he thinks we just met but has no idea where we met or a damn thing about our 30+ yrs together. At least that’s how it goes when he knows he’s married to me and that I’m not just someone who takes care of him. He usually introduces me as his “favorite wife.” And introductions happen frequently because he doesn’t remember many people. But his manners are intact. LOL. It doesn’t even seem odd to him that he’s sharing a bed and kissing his “caretaker” good morning and good night. If he had the anger issues you describe, he’d be in AL/MC. It’s going to come to that anyway because I’M developing anger issues!
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Frances73 Oct 2020
I love Mom's stories, she told me all about her recent trip to a local store (that has been closed for 20 years) and how a lady stopped her in the aisle and gave her a complimentary manicure. The activities director had painted her nails and that was how her mind interpreted her blue fingernails!
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This may sound terrible but my mother has LBD, they say she can’t remember don’t do anything to upset her! Well they don’t live with her, she has lived under my roof 30 years! Just the past 6 years has been bad. She can’t walk or stand but she thought she could, finally I told her if you fall your staying there I’m not picking you up again and again. Well she did it again so on the floor she stayed for a good while.
And I believe she remembered that because now she does not try to get up.
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Simple but effective I listen to praise and worship music on the way to my mom's. Then I pray before getting out of my car. I pray for peace and love. My mom sounds a lot like yours and visits can be an ordeal, not ones I look forward to. I try to ignore outbursts, keep busy doing chores and leave as quickly as I can. Mom has part time sitters that help a lot. I try to care for her from a distance as much as I can. Its very difficult and she has always been somewhat self absorbed and selfish. Mom claims she too is fine and does not have a dementia diagnosis, cery very argumentative, exhausting. Mom is on anxiety meds that seem to help some. Ask the doctor about something to calm her a bit and help her sleep. Its helps me tremendously to hear how others feel in this community.
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Have you asked the doctor about medication. There are meds like zoloft and geodon that may help. My husband is on 4 antipsychotic meds. The meds are for people with behavior as if they had bipolar. Wonderful meds. They could also give meds to help her sleep more.
Before meds I got a wireless ear plugs. I would listen to music, books, or even music while he was screaming. I would just turn up the volume and nod.
You could also have someone come for 48 or 72 hours, for respite care and not go to the house. Then at the end of the time see how YOU feel. Because now it needs to be about you. Dementia is a terminal illness for her. Dont make it one for you. Also when you return to the situation see if she even knows you have not been there. Walk in and say, is there anything you need, and act like you have been there.
Then I think you will have the info you need to make an informed decision. Also think if you drop dead from a heart attack because of the stress who will take care of your mom.? Stress can kill. If your mom was a great or poor mom the real question is if you want to allow this horrible disease to take 2 victims. You need to be a survivor to help the ones on this newsletter.
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Frances73 Oct 2020
Medicare has provisions for 7days of respite care for caregivers. I'm not sure how it works with all the Covid restrictions but it might be worth checking out as a short term solution.
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I find playing Music is good therapy. Keep some background music playing all day if it soothes her.

If she starts screaming, leave the room and return when she stops..

You really don't need to keep saying to her that she's got dementia as she probably doesn't even know what you're talking about.

If she thinks she can get up, let her try and she'll see that she can't instead of hearing you say she can't.

In the meantime time, don't leave a walker by her so she won't try to use it and fall when no one is around.

My 96 yr old Dad had Dementia and all he can do is stand up with help to a walker from his recliner,, then take about 4 little steps just enough to turn to sit in his wheelchair. He has chosen to sleep in his recliner so he is basically there 24 7 except for meals and to go to the toilet.

You might take a Video of your mom acting out and the 30 minutes a day when she's ok, show it to her so she can see and believe her actions.

You can also set up a camera to watch her so when nothing else works, walk out of the room.

See if you can get her interested in something on tv maybe old movies, cooking show, dancing show, ect.

Bup some of her favorite foods and when she's getting out of control offer her ice cream.

Remember it takes a whole lot of PATIENCE

My Dad has very short term memory. I can say something and he won't remember 5 minutes later but don't remind your mom you already said something, just calm say it again and again and again.

Juse put yourself in their shoes, it has to be so scary and frustrating not to know what to do.

My Dad is always saying what do I do now and he'll even answer himself and say I don't know.

My Dad seems to like to snack alot so maybe your mom is hungry and she doesn't know how to tell you.

I have on hand lots of easy snacks like yougurt,
breakfast bars applesauce, ect and lots of milk.
Prayers
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polarbear Oct 2020
Bev- snacking is a good idea. If she's busy chewing, then she can't yell and scream.
I give my mom chewing gums. They are low calorie and long lasting, I also give her pistachio nuts with shells on. She has to get the shells off one nut at a time before eating. That gives her something to do and keeps her busy and distracted.
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I feel like I may have answered before. But anyway this post could be my story! My mother is in an AL. I would not let her stay with me because of past abuse. I have to be honest that there are no distractions I have found that help. My mother is angry all the time and makes up stories to try and get her way. I have simply maintained very limited contact with her for my own sanity! She was abusive way back when and hasn’t changed. The staff at her AL has no emotional connection to a past so they are able to manage her behavior. They can contact me with concerns. They are trained to deal with her dementia. I coordinate her care with her visiting doctor and director of nursing. The best I can do is keep her safe and manage her affairs. And stay out of the way of her anger! I must say that 30 minutes a day of pleasant behavior would not be enough for me to keep her at home! I like you was hoping that my mother’s dementia would make her a silly happy person - but yes that was also delusional!
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The best response is to just walk away then completely ignore her if it's safe for you to do that. If not then you will have to take another approach. Now, I've been in elder homecare for a very long time and know that no matter how angry or raging someone is they still have to be toileted or have their diaper changed. They still have to be washed up. I know how hard it is and that you've tried every kind of distraction. Sometimes there needs to be a little intimidation. Sometimes you have to look them straight in the face and yell STOP! or ENOUGH! I mean a drill sergeant yell. As loud as you can. Believe me, this will work when you need it to. I'm sure this advice will get some negative feedback about this being wrong and abusive. It's not. What would be really wrong and abusive is if she fell and got hurt on her way to the toilet because she's raging over someone helping her. Or if she gets skin breakdown and sores because you have no choice but to leave her sitting in her own dirty diapers for long periods of time because her tantrums and abuse make it impossible to clean her up. Use a little verbal intimidation because the work has to get done for her own good.
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I have a very similar story. In February 2018, I took my mother to the emergency room and had her admitted to a geriatric psych unit for a few days to get stabilized. I had tremendous guilt, but something had to be done and she would not accept medical intervention that I tried to get her for years. She went from the hospital directly to memory care assisted living. While there, she had several falls due to dementia and broke her hip a year ago which left her wheelchair bound. She kept trying to get up out of the chair. The wonderful hospice nurse suggested an alarm (a little pad that beeps LOUDLY) when she tries to stand. Her medication has been adjusted a few times, and when aggravated, there’s a nice anti-anxiety cream that is used for immediate calm. I feel your pain and you need respite care and, if she can afford it, memory care and maybe even hospice. Go gently, my dear...I am still working on the guilt.
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If it is safe..walk away. Use headphones or use earbuds and play music.
Have you talked to her doctor about medication that may help control the anger and anxiety? (If it does not work for her you can take it...KIDDING!!!)
It does sound like Memory Care would be the best option for you (and her)

And I have to tell you that your reaction is not yours alone. If there is a caregiver that tells you that they have not gotten angry, lost their temper they are flat out lying. You can not do what "we" do (or have done) day in and day out and not get angry or loose your temper. the best you can do is realize what the triggers are for you and try not to fall into the trap. As I have said before ya know how fish don't get caught? They don't take the bait. So try not to take the bait. Easy to say hard to follow through.

Wheelchair or not if the anger becomes dangerous to you or anyone else caring for her your safest option might be to call 911 and explain the situation and that she may be a danger to herself or to you. This is why medication might be a good option.
If she is trying to get out of the wheelchair can you tilt it back to make it more difficult for her to try to get out of it? It would be safer for her. In your home you could place a tray that attaches to the chair that will prevent her from getting out. In a facility that would not be allowed as it would be considered a "restraint". There are also alarms that can attach to the chair and to her clothing so if she tries to get up the alarm will be set off.
Another thought..would she wear headphones and you could play music that might distract her.
Giving her a project to do. Puzzles, blocks, magazines if you have a paper shredder giving her stacks of paper to shred. Anything that might be a distraction.

Hang in there.
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sorry you are going thru this.  However I think (my personal opinion) that whatever type person they are "before" dementia, that only comes out 10X worse when they get it.  Its like "ingrained" into their brain and then the "bear" comes out. or the wolverine however you think the beast is.  Why hasn't the doctor prescribed some type of medicine to calm her down.  This isn't fair to her either.  It doesn't have to be anything to knock her out, but just to keep her calm.  Have you tried having some kind of lavender around (where she can't reach) that might help, or some chamomile tea that she can drink or chamomile powder (not sure if they have) that can be mixed in with applesauce or pudding.  I am sure she is afraid too because part of her mind is thinking why can't I do this or that, but then the other part takes over and throws out the rage towards everyone.  But seriously, get in contact with her doctor to get something to calm her because she might try to do something when someone is not looking and she could get hurt.  I sure wish you some luck and peace as you go thru this.
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A good rule of advice is don't feed the anger. If you can, step away from it. Yes, it hurts to see a loved one even a person who when they were sane was not really nice get even worse.

However, from what another poster wrote I agree that this may stem from anxiety and fear over losing control. Once you recognize the root of the problem, then the solution is to do what you can to alleviate that fear. Either with an anti-anxiety medication or a sedative of some sort. Routine and familiarity is also very important, as it will give their mind a sense of control.

Meanwhile, you need to address your own issues. I hope you are getting some counseling, and take some time to do something for yourself.
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Frances73 Oct 2020
Yes, you can’t change the person's behavior but you CAN change the way you react to them.
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In a way, you are over thinking this. It does not matter how she was in the past. It does inform her current status but if she was the most wonderful mother ever or a bad mother. Dementia has turned her into a nasty, raving witch who is holding the family hostage. I have a pretty nasty mother but she is in a facility.
so u do understand. My mother in law was sweet but she got pretty nasty as her dementia progressed.

Your mother will be hateful and miserable wherever she is. So why should everyone else be miserable too. I would place her and substitute your visions of her alone in her room in memory care with visions of you have a peaceful cup of coffee while curled up reading a book knowing she is taken care of. Hopefully she has money to pay for a facility.
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and when the yelling and complaining quiets down, and your LO, stops talking, you may miss some of those episodes. Hopefully, your souls will focus on the days of some laughter and happiness..
She stopped talking when I asked her my name. She said her sister's name. I said,
No, that is not my name... :( That is is your sister's name. They were very close, I understand.. I was trying to make a point... Wish I didn't. She actually stopped talking after that..

And I still argue with my loved ones......... Yes, I am a slow learner... Hopefully, I will get it right one of these days before I lose all my loved ones....
My friend told me, I do not have to accept every "invitation " meaning arguments etc. . I am not good at that... I try to stay away from some invitations.
GN everyone... Love the people around you. Nobody is perfect. And if you are actually writing and complaining about them. usually means they are an important part of your life, being, etc. In some small way, you love them or they mean something special to you - and it is okay - in anyway, they are in your mind, soul, heart. learn, heal, listen, and teach from this experience. forgive. they may not even know how they are affecting you.
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Ok-my dad makes up false memories which involve those around them and can be uncomfortable or upsetting for him. ICE CREAM CONES. The Drumstick kind. We used to ask if he wanted or, or unwrapped and presented it, and he would get a big smile on his face. If she is still living with you, try it.
if it doesn’t work, at least you can eat it and keel better for a minute!
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dear exhausted:

I read your post just as my LO was calling me telling me very angrily to come and get him out because “he’s in prison “. He’s in one of the best MC facilities. His PCP comes at least once a month to check him and other patients in his care. I was just told me he has t seen doctor in 3 years! Up until recently these accusatory statement would Put me in a dark place but because of help I’m getting and just today reading your post, I have zero quilt and am thankful that I’m able to keep him in this fine facility where every need is being met with a team of professionals and he’s safe. I tried to care for my LO at home with home care helpers . None of the helpers he felt were good enough so I was it. To Attempt to take care of an abusive dementia soul is beyond impossible. If at all within your means find a memory care facility. You both will be better off.

Take care of yourself....stay well.
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Please get her primary care doctor to prescribe anti-anxiety medication. Usually the angry outbursts are a result of mounting fear and anxiety. They just want everything to make sense and to be under their control, like it used to be. It isn't and it never will be again. Control freaks, and your momma seems to be one, have it harder. Try to keep her on a routine. Make sure she goes to bed at a decent hour and stays asleep. She might need sleeping medications if she tends to get up. When she is wound up, it's a temper tantrum. Keep calm but don't reward it either.

As for yourself, you need to have a broader support network. You need some time to get away from caregiving and regain your own life - because you matter too! If you can't get enough sleep or time away to do something fun for yourself, it may be time for a memory care unit.
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I feel you. I have had to deal with someone in my life who doesn't rage so much as pout and whinge and whine and think the world owes them something, (well everything really) They do have mini sh*t fits (my name for it) where they overreact to the smallest things.

I used to walk on eggshells around them. Trying to not do or say anything that might possibly make their mood worse or create that mood in them. I used to absolutely stew inside, the feelings this created in me almost like a volcano that needed to erupt but was tamped down and tamped down until it imploded inwards instead of outwards.

Then one day, I think it might have been while I was in the midst of watching my mom's health slowly day by day deteriorate, and then watch her eventually lose her battle and die, that I decided screw this! I'm done dealing with this selfish pri*k. Here I am devastated cause I am losing the person closest to me and still putting up with this sh*t. Why should I? Why did I ever for that matter?

I think when you finally realize that there are so many more important things in the world and that life is too short to tolerate abuse. And yes, this is abuse. Don't kid yourself. Walking on eggshells so as not to rock the boat when that boat basically rocks by itself anyways, is no way to live. I don't do it anymore. I withdraw, leave the room, ignore them. But I don't feed into it anymore. I don't acknowledge it and therefore don't give it room to breathe.

My advice for what it's worth. Don't put up with it. Let them have their tantrum all alone. If no one is there to watch I'm sure it won't be as much fun for them cause they are getting some satisfaction from disrupting your life or they would not keep doing it.
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MAYDAY Oct 2020
And then some people still feel GUILTY... :( and it is abuse, and some will still feel that clawing guilt feeling... why? don't know,,, I am trying to figure it out still... nobody is perfect. especially the person who feels guilt, for no reason, or explanation.. sorry... I feel that way a lot..
and sometimes it feels it's a no win situation.
tantrum.. I feel those too...perhaps they don't even realize these tantrum episodes affect people around them.. maybe they are just lost in their own abyss. they don't have reason to care or acknowledge.
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First, she needs medicine to calm down. If she gets that agitated, leave her in bed. If she gets extremely agitated when in the wheelchair, walk away & come back later.
Don’t try to reason with her...that is impossible. She won’t remember her screaming session 10 minutes later...HUGS!!!! 🤗
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So, I read this the other day & felt the need to save it.........for use on this forum, in particular, where many of us suffer with narcissistic mothers who also have dementia. Which has GOT to be THE most toxic combination EVER. Ugh. Anyway, here it is:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram

Read that statement over a few times and let it sink in. And then refer to it when you feel 'guilty' that you're placing your mother where she BELONGS, in a Memory Care ALF.

My mother is also a passive aggressive (covert) narcissist who lives in a Memory Care ALF, thank God. She's doing fine over there and has an entire staff of people to wait on her hand and foot. There's even a nurse named Nina who's onto her.........knows how to deal with her manipulations beautifully, which is a Godsend to me. Nina and I talk on the phone and that's how I'm able to stay current of my mother's latest shenanigans. And that's what are: Lies, Manipulations and Shenanigans.

I call her on the phone 6 evenings a week (she thinks I work full time, and I keep that idea intact for obvious reasons). My DH calls her the other evening when I have 'a headache'. She's always nice to him b/c he's The Outsider and Her Mask is In Place. With me, she's a witch. We window visit with her every Sunday at 1 pm for 25 minutes which is PLENTY. Covid has been somewhat of a life saver in the visiting routine, to be perfectly honest. I get a stomach ache every evening before calling her b/c I don't know HOW foul her mood is going to be and how nasty she'll be treating me. Whether I'll need to let her know I'm hanging up now Mom & will speak to you another time when you're in a better mood, or whether I'll have to be listening to how She Wants To Die and You're Not Praying HARD Enought for me TO Die. So even that I'm doing wrong.

You get the drift.

She's also in a wheelchair, chronically in pain, chronically negative and angry, but she's someone ELSE'S problem for 23.5 hours each day, not MINE. What I give is plenty, and includes all her finances, doctors, specialists, hospitals, rehabs, etc etc. As an only child, I bear the brunt of ALL of her angst. And I don't deserve it, either.

So. Successful distractions? Hanging up the phone when the angst is too great. Changing the subject over and over again. Having DH call instead of me b/c, like I said, she won't put on the Ugly Face for an outsider. Gossip and bad mouthing others is another thing that keeps my mother happy, IF I was willing to engage in that kind of negativity, which I'm normally not. She loves nothing better than trash talking others........that will keep her amused and distracted for hours on end, truth be told.

The best thing you can do is to move forward with the Memory Care placement. No human being should be subjected to 23.5 hrs each day of uncontrolled anger from her mother, for ANY reason. Nobody has that right, even a person with dementia. YOUR life is just as important as HER life, since you're both human beings and children of God. Your mother is not 'deserving of considerations that you (as her victim) are NOT.'

Keep all that in mind as you move forward with your plans. You are doing the right thing. Good luck and Godspeed, my friend. Cheering you on from the sidelines!
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Lea,

Fantastic posting! Thanks for sharing.

I have only one word to describe what this woman wrote, TRUTH!

It’s all so true!

It takes a while to absorb it before we can accept the truth but once we do, oh boy! We can make necessary changes for the better!
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So, I'm not sure I get why someone accepts verbal and sometimes physical abuse from an elder. You posted a few days ago "who says that elders need to be catered to" or something like that. In my experience, only folks who have no experience in this realm say "be understanding".

If someone is verbally or physically abusive to you, walk away. Stop "doing" for them. If they are in your home and you cannot get them on the right meds to control their behavior, start eviction procedings. If you are in their home, leave, call APS and report them as vulnerable and go to a shelter.

Folks say "oh but I couldn't....". Yes. Yes you can.

Either walk away when the abuse starts and tell yourself that it's the disease, or if you can't do that, take the steps above. But don't stick around for the abuse to damage you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
“Yes you can!”

Keep saying it, Barb! I am eternally grateful that you spoke to me without sugarcoating your words. They were exactly what I needed to hear.

Let me be the first to say a very loud, AMEN!

Any other people care to join in?

I will throw in an Hallelujah too! 😊
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I also share your anger Can’t believe there is another person out there as difficult as my mother. I do suppress the urge to scream and sometimes go in another room and do a silent scream or go outside and scream - I live in a rural area. I try to distract with favorite snacks, questions about subjects she is interested in or relatives, word search books, things going on outside window, magazines, I text family members to call her on phone, take her for a ride in car ..............
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Exhausted- if I were you, I would scream right back at that horrible woman. The reasons:

--it helps release the toxic anger you're bottling up inside. This anger if not released will destroy your health mentally and physically.

--that horrible woman deserves it meaning she should be screamed at, like a child that needs to be taught. She will learn, at least temporarily, that her behavior is not tolerated and she might stop. Wouldn't that be nice?

If you don't want to scream at her to make her stop, then I would suggest as soon as she starts her tantrum, you immediately leave her/ walk away even if you're in the middle of helping her with whatever. She may learn that her tantrum results in being abandoned. Tell her you will come back when she stops screaming. Do not stay to absorb all the toxics she's releasing.
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elaine1962 Oct 2020
Screaming at someone doesn’t help.
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Ah Exhausted One I feel your pain. As for redirecting someone with dementia, who is raging, it is not that easy and it too is exhausting. Also it only lasts a very short time before the behaviors kick back in. Mom did not live with me but when I visited I found a few things that helped, albeit for a short time. A couple times I got her to sing with me. As Send suggested, my Mom welcomed treats. Sometimes I would try to engage her in simple talk about her sisters or her Mom (all deceased) but that was early on. When nothing worked I just sat quietly and let her go on. Maybe others will offer more suggestions.

Unfortunately my Mom too tried to get up if no one was right with her, she ended up trying to get out of bed at the facility a while ago and fell, fracturing her femur. Her decline has been swift since then.

My Mom is moving past the rage stage, she is further along in the disease and unresponsive much of the time. My Mom was also an angry person her whole life.

Take care of you please.
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