Dealing with an elderly parent who refuses necessary care or legal considerations can be tough. It's important to approach it with patience and understanding.
Anilou: Perhaps you can contact your elderly parent's COA (Council on Aging) in their town, who should have on staff an elder case worker and also a social worker, who should be able to perform a well being assessment.
You watch them fail. If they will not listen or do not have the ability to understand the consequences of inaction then they will fail. You will watch until something happens and choice is taken away from them. Please know that the time period could be long. It took 3 years for "the thing" to happen to my parents. The falls begin, the police and ambulances will come and go, and you will watch. You will tell them, please make a decision for yourself or someone who might not know you will make it for you. In the end, you do what you can. You do what your feel you have to do to feel ok with yourself. But in the end, you really have no control.
So do what you are doing and reach out to every agency/doctor/social worker you can find. Connect with people. Ask questions, do research on google. Find a good lawyer. There are no easy answers. This is a good site. I have read a lot here and I have learned a lot. In the end, it will end. That's what everyone kept telling me. It sort of did end but there is no great sense of relief. But it is an ending of sorts. You will still have to live with the way things play out. I guess the truth is, you really have no control so find a way you can live with yourself and get to the next stage.
Everyone on this site knows it is hard. We all respect your pain because in some way we have all felt it. It just takes different turns with different people. So reach out, ask questions, trust your gut, try to stay positive. Know that there are other people who understand. It will end.
Good luck and I send my best wishes to you for a good ending.
Very well Said Sadkid22, And it is very comforting to hear your words , But like you said we all have to go through it, And yes we can only do our best and reach out to everybody who we think may help, Sometimes it can be too much for the Majority of us.
Their cognitive status to correctly understand and make appropriate decisions needs to be assessed by their PCP. If they are deemed cognitively "appropriate" , then sadly their decisions for their care will need to be honored. Explain what potentially could happen if they fall or other things happen, then wait and see. You can always call Adult Protective Services and inform them if you deem the situation unsafe. You can also tell the parent (s) that this may happen and what consequences may or could occur. grief about changes when aging is not uncommon; and this often manifests in denial, and anger and opposition, resistance etc.
I am experiencing the same issue. My mom refuses to allow me on any forms , did not make me her POA and refuses to admit she is declining cognitively. Yet she expects me to do and pay for everything. I have been put in a situation where I had to initiate legal guardianship. It is exhausting and frustrating. I understand what you are going through. Legal guardianship might be an option you should consider.
If they are unsafe and unable to handle their activities and instrumental activities of daily living; one can contact Adult Protective Services (APS) for an assessment. APS may or may not deem them to be unsafe, unable to live independently and thereafter legal steps may be taken to move them into a care facility arrangement but this is generally not very easy if the person has competency.As others, have said; you can wait until they fall. Call 911, do not take them yourself. Often they will keep the person for a night or two (inpatient - 24 hrs) and then you can work with the social workers on staff regarding a safe discharge. Be clear with them that they are NOT safe, not independent and YOU will NOT provide the direct care needed. Tell them a discharge to a Rehab facility where the person can get PT/OP or other services for a period of time is needed. Rehab is a temporary placement; while there work on securing a permanent placement.Best to do your homework before to identify a high quality skilled nursing facility (SNF) which is Medicare and Medicaid qualified, with a Rehab unit. This way, your LO can be discharged to the Rehab unit and later moved to the SNF (nursing home unit) in the same facility. Fewer moves are easier on the LO.Also, hope all the paperwork is already executed: durable POA (not a springing version that requires lack of competency), Advanced Directive making you the medical agent for them, access to all their accounts, and best to set up on-line access (easier to monitor, consolidate and pay out if a spend down process may be needed for Medicaid qualifycation).As soon as practicable, at the Rehab/or SNF; get a work up to see if there is dementia and/or other issues. That diagnostic workup can be helpful for assuring a permanent placement as well as possible Medicaid coverage if needed.Good luck with this.
yes, this. My mother was very stubborn and it took her falling and breaking her femur at age 95 with the doctors not allowing her to go back to her independent townhome (where she had lived 20 years) to get her to head to a facility. I could have 'forced' her to move before then, but given how she was, if it was done without her cooperation, she would have been totally uncooperative at whatever facility she was placed in. She would have made life a living hell for every single staff and employee, in addition to me and then herself. It took the 'system' from preventing her to return to get her heading in the right direction - of course, she was resistant and defiant all the way.
If your mother is cognizant you could contact your local Senior Services, they may have a person that will follow up on "vulnerable seniors" (most states have a toll free number that you can report abuse, self neglect as well.) In many cases unfortunately it is a matter of waiting until some event occurs that will force a change (often that means placement in skilled nursing) The other option, if she is not competent is to obtain Guardianship if you are not her POA. Once you have Guardianship you can make decisions for her that are in her best interest.
You watch them fail. If they will not listen or do not have the ability to understand the consequences of inaction then they will fail. You will watch until something happens and choice is taken away from them. Please know that the time period could be long. It took 3 years for "the thing" to happen to my parents. The falls begin, the police and ambulances will come and go, and you will watch. You will tell them, please make a decision for yourself or someone who might not know you will make it for you. In the end, you do what you can. You do what your feel you have to do to feel ok with yourself. But in the end, you really have no control.
So do what you are doing and reach out to every agency/doctor/social worker you can find. Connect with people. Ask questions, do research on google. Find a good lawyer. There are no easy answers. This is a good site. I have read a lot here and I have learned a lot. In the end, it will end. That's what everyone kept telling me. It sort of did end but there is no great sense of relief. But it is an ending of sorts. You will still have to live with the way things play out. I guess the truth is, you really have no control so find a way you can live with yourself and get to the next stage.
Everyone on this site knows it is hard. We all respect your pain because in some way we have all felt it. It just takes different turns with different people. So reach out, ask questions, trust your gut, try to stay positive. Know that there are other people who understand. It will end.
Good luck and I send my best wishes to you for a good ending.
You can always call Adult Protective Services and inform them if you deem the situation unsafe. You can also tell the parent (s) that this may happen and what consequences may or could occur.
grief about changes when aging is not uncommon; and this often manifests in denial, and anger and opposition, resistance etc.
Then you work with the discharge planners to get her into a facility.
Which is the case here?
In many cases unfortunately it is a matter of waiting until some event occurs that will force a change (often that means placement in skilled nursing)
The other option, if she is not competent is to obtain Guardianship if you are not her POA. Once you have Guardianship you can make decisions for her that are in her best interest.