Dad with hoarding/OCD/depression/personality disorder causes him to rage, threaten, lecture, attack in home care staff and they refuse to work, leaving 100% dependent mom without treatment. She almost died from malnutrition because he refused to feed her anything other than the TV dinners he insists on eating. His verbal assaults on her and any care staff put her safety at risk, he is increasingly isolating her from third parties who might provide support or options. He has cut me off for acting on her behalf. He manipulates friends and family members to ensure he has total control at all times. I'm not even sure what is possible, my brother and I both live out of state so it's a challenge and a heartbreak.
Has asyone asked Dad what he needs? What would help him to help Mom?
He's heating up tv dinners. OK, it's not home cooked food, but better than toast every night. He may not know about meal deliveries or companies that deliver better quality frozen meals.
I agree to call APS. Report so a file is opened & they both get the chance to talk about what they need to 'age in place'.
I write this not to disregard what you say re any neglect, but to point out sometimes we don't know the full story.
I have had non-family wonder/question about my LO: not bathed, hair unwashed, stale clothes etc. It was not neglect by the caregivers - the caregivers (spouse & paid aides) were trying hard but struggling to find strategies for my LO's stubborn refusal of hygiene care.
I would absolutely call APS & report the facts I knew, disclose any diognised mental health conditions plus any suspicions of neglect I had.
But if Mom says "I'm fine".. if Mom chooses to stay with Dad above all else.. then what?
I also want to add, it was similar with my dad, I just want you to not be surprised that your mom, may turn on you, I figured out after my dad passed that , for some strange reason my mother, liked being treated like that, she didn't know any different way and would of died for him.
Best of luck
The victim sides with the bad guy instead & freezes out the would-be rescuer. Roles swap. The would-be rescuer gets labeled an *interferer* aka the new bad guy/gal.
(Kartman Drama Triangle).
You won't be able to get anything accomplished to protect your Mom yourself unless you spend about 2 weeks there figuring out how to help her. You don't have to do this but then don't expect any miraculous solution, either. Calling APS is a strategy and hopefully they can remove her out of the house but they have to get legal guardianship first, so it may not happen right away. This is assuming no one is your Mom's PoA, and your Dad isn't, either. Then the court-appointed legal guardian will make all decisions related to your Mom and find placement for her in a facility.
Where is the care staff coming from? Who is arranging it and paying for it? You/your family?
The other extreme option is that your family stages a "rescue". It's planned in advance. Someone distracts your Dad, in the meantime someone else secretly packs some of your Mom's things and someone else secretly gets your Mom out of the house without your Dad's knowledge. My cousins did this for my Aunt and it worked. You don't disclose to your Dad where your Mom is after this. And this is assuming your Mom is not cognitively able to make good decisions for herself anymore. You will also need a plan as to where your Mom will then go and who will finance it.
I'm sorry for this distressing situation. May you gain clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as your work to help your Mom.
They will come out and do an assessment and take it from there. And hopefully your mom will be removed from the home and placed into a facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires.
So call RIGHT NOW!!!