My mother is finally living close to me again. I spent three hours with her every day for the last four days. She's in a new facility near me, with sunny days/better weather. She has options for so much more than where she was. She has Parkinson's. But she is so miserable, unhappy, anxious, lonely, all of the time! ALL OF THE TIME. It doesn't matter if I'm around. It doesn't matter if kind people introduce themselves to her. She's not making friends easily due to being so "Eeyore"-- I am sure. Her family doctor at home stopped being willing to change her anti-depressant medication because she kept asking for a new one. Kept questioning if they were working. They finally gave up and said no more new ones until you see a psychiatrist. Which she was on a waiting list for. I'll try to find one here. But sometimes I just want to give up. I don't see her enjoying one iota of life anymore. Everything is "too much", everything is awful. I thought being closer to me would actually improve her emotional well being. It hasn't changed it a bit...
She's old.
She's infirm.
Her life is out of her control now.
I'd be depressed, too, and in fact, I'd say it's far more rare to see someone jumping for joy in their new nursing home.
Be understanding and empathetic, but don't take her monkey on your back. No one's life goes as they want it, and getting on with what is rather than worrying about what you can't change is the best way to keep your sanity. You can model that behavior to her by letting her be on her own for a few days and forcing her to engage with others a bit more.
Stay home for a week and keep in touch with the SW and activities director. She may be putting on a big "so sad" show just for you.
It took me a long time to understand that her problems are not my fault and I can't fix them. Your mother's problems aren't your fault either and you can't fix them.
There's no pleasing some people at any age. Please for your own sake, don't let your mother drag you down. If she can't visit with you without being all gloom and doom and misery, stop visiting her.
one must be kind to oneself, too.
:)
get well soon OP! be kind to your body, mind, soul, heart, all of you. i’m doing the same: drinking tea right now, taking a break, having fun with sudoku on a saturday.
:)
In the end, happiness comes from inside. Whether an elder is sickly and old or not doesn't make much of a difference to their state of happiness; they're either happy and grateful for life or they are not. My "uncle" George is 102 soon and living in AL and has pancreatic cancer. His state of mind is a grateful one; he's happy and respectful to his caregivers and to his niece and nephew who help him and visit him often. There's no guilt trips to lay on them or negativity to impart to anyone. It's a personal choice how we treat others, I believe, and your mother has made her choice. Now it's up to YOU to make YOUR choice about how often to visit her and how long to stay during her pity parties. She'll drag you down into the pit of despair WITH her if you're not careful AND you won't manage to make a bit of difference to the quality of the life she's CHOSEN for herself. If she wants help, she'll ask for it in terms of a psychiatrist appointment, etc. In my mother's eyes, there was nothing wrong with her that she NEEDED help with, and there you have it. It took me quite a while to come to that realization and to back away from the whole scene, but it became necessary to do so.
Wishing you the best of luck taking time for YOURSELF and realizing you can't fix what's SO broken that it's beyond repair.
I've also had to learn the hard way after being raised to be the family peacemaker. One of my mother's favorite phrases about me was "she was always easy to manage". I am a recovering pleaser.
My mother has "learned helplessness" from before I was born. My father who was a giver found the perfect match in my mother who was a damsel in distress most of the time. She got her way with him by crying and carrying on until he relented. She was used to being petted and being the center of attention. Bless his heart.
Now, as long as my mother is clean, fed, bathroomed and her needs are met, my job is done. She whines and complains constantly over nothing and I no longer take that on myself.
Blessings and peace.
As far as your being there so much, as you have observed, THAT'S not working! So I would cut back, and begin some "training" in that relatively happy visits are longer and relatively whiney ones are shorter.
To be honest, the end of life, where one after another things are taken from us, eyes, ears, mobility, subtle limbs, balance, control, continence, power, decision making, and eventually our very minds, and who we are--just not an especially joyful time. Many, like my own dad, gently suggested that he was so "tired" of it; I also had many patients tell me they were ready for peace and the final rest, that they didn't feel free to share this with their families and would tell their nurse instead. My own brother told me "ALF is like the Army, hon. I don't much like it but I make the best of it." What you are really asking of your Mom is to "make the best of it" so you are more comfortable, so you suffer less. You may have to give this one up. You are bearing witness to a senior who is unhappy with the whole end of life trip. To tell you the truth, at 80 I find it a bit less joyful than some others, as well. But I make the best of it, and keep the burden of every little ache and pain to myself.
You might tell you mother that quite honestly it is difficult for you to sit and bear witness to her unhappiness. That you understand that, indeed, she isn't happy. But that you have done what you can. Tell her that at some point, if your visits and outings do NOTHING to make her happier, there will not be an inclination to make so much time to do it. Be honest. Talk about it honestly.
We get into habits. Habitual ways. My brother used to says that his ALF was a bit like a commune, everyone with "issues" for the Friday meeting, everyone with complaints about food and caregivers. Just the habit, along with ambulance watching and wondering when one will stop at YOUR door.
Good luck.
it’s really very hard to remain positive with negative people around.
daughterof1930, you wrote:
“Please limit your exposure, taking in so much negativity is bad for the soul.”
i agree!
———
i often apply this quote to my life:
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes.”
———
dear OP,
:)
as for trying to make your mother happy…
this is my approach to my LOs:
1. work on my life/happiness/success. let my happiness be 1 reason they’re happy. (by the way, some elderly parents will be EVEN more miserable, when they see their adult child’s so happy. never mind. imagine you had normal, loving LOs who’re happy when you’re happy. in other words, some elderly parents would be overjoyed to find out their adult child is miserable/depressed/beaten down - THAT’S what would make them happy.)
2. continue to do nice things to make her happy, OP. she might not show any appreciation, only negativity. but somehow, you ARE making her life better, and you know it. (and actually, she knows it, too).
3. as someone else mentioned: plan events she can look forward to. unexpected. routine is boring.
hug! :)