What do you say when you are given a gift card and that 20.00 suddenly makes you an employee in the eyes of the giver?

The difference between a gift and blackmail is that a gift is given with the giver wanting nothing but a thank you in return. Blackmail is where they give you a nickel and expect a dollars worth of service in return.
I experienced it a lot in China.
I learned to explain that to them and asked them if it was a gift where they expected nothing but a thank you in return. Only a yes or no answer will do. If they refuse then explain you are not interested.

You say ‘no’. Plain snd simple. I would give them the gift card back. These are not friends, they are master manipulators. There is no contract. Do not give into their guilt trips. They need to care for her, not you. You have a life and are entitled to it. Like someone else said, block their numbers and keep track of the ‘harassment’. Change your numbers if you have to. People like this are toxic.

I would hand it back to them, say I do this out of friendship and human kindness. Then stop responding to their calls. Only you can decide to stop being used.

My SIL befriended an elderly neighbor. When the woman was hospitalized SIL offered to care for her cat, even tho she doesn’t like cats. After she was released home SIL kept helping out daily, cleaning the litter box, making food, doing laundry, etc. After a couple of months of this she finally called the woman’s family and told them my brother was upset (not true) and she would have to stop. The woman was moved into AL within a month, her family was just taking advantage of SIL's kindness.

Return the gift card. If you have spent it, return the $20.00 cash. I might even point out to them that caregivers who have done what you have are paid more than $20.00per HOUR, and send them a bill for the full amount plus the meals you have paid for. But then I can be petty sometimes ; ).

But I would tell them that $20.00 pays for slightly less than an hour of what you have done, and the answer is NO.

Wait. WHO is it who says that your 90 year old friend can use the bus?

You need to protect yourself from this family, block their phone calls. Do what you need to do for your friend and ignore their requests.

ITRR, I,'m glad you are helping her sort that out.

At least in NYC, to qualify for paratransit, you have to appear in person, which for some folks is tantamount to a Catch-22.

In your shoes, that is one appointment that I would volunteer to drive her to. It will solve many of her other issues, it appears.

Wow. Do what you can for your friend because of your friendship. His/her family can ask away and you can choose to listen or not and then choose to do whatever you feel works best for you.
I would discuss with your friend their requests. Your friend needs to complete a living will and health directive, a medical power of attorney and fiduciary. Indeed, your friend may have completed these items naming her family members and thus they feel entitled to "supervise you." A gift is not employment. You do not have any obligations because of the gift card.
The family may be under some mistaken beliefs when they attempt to supervise you. They may be concerned. Nonetheless, they have no footing for directing you.

Itrr, I'm wondering if the over the phone application went the way many elder assessments go...
"Can you walk five blocks?"
"Of course I can!"

"Can you figure out a bus route on your own?"

"Certainly! Do you think I'm an idiot?".

Just a possibility...

Isthisrealyreal: Although this was a small gift, perhaps it's all that they could afford. However, I don't believe that you have to be at their beck and call. You were kind to this person, but it's not right for the family to use you.

My poverty stricken mother would lay a 5 dollar bill in the auto of someone who gave her rides to doctor appointments, even though the gentleman (who was a good family friend) said repeatedly it was not necessary. And I realize that this a little off topic.

Is it possible her family is under the impression that your friend has hired you and is paying you to help her? They may not understand that a person could do for a friend out of affection what you are doing. Perhaps that can be clarified.

Whoa!! Firstly, as you rightly say, a *GIFT* card is a GIFT.

It is not a *signed employee contract* card.

Politely point that out. It they don't get that & are still unreasonable, ignore them. Don't waste your time or breath talking to unreasonable people.

Is your friend able to make decisions for themself? If so, your friend decides for him/herself. And of course it is up to YOU how much you wish to help.

I reckon you should give them a gift card for $40, and say that now you expect them to do twice as much as you do.

You have a good heart. The next steps may be hard.. but a frank discussion with your friend will be worth it: what services they need & how to get them once they exceed your ability. (Your one full day seems very generous & a reasonable stopping point IMO).

I just wanted to add another thought. A 90 yo woman could have children in their 70's easily. A 70 year old may be less capable than the 90 year old. I don't agree with many of the comments suggesting aggressive come backs as it sends the conversation off topic and raises hostility.
I would suggest contacting the Area Agency on Aging. At 90 your friend would be eligible for services just because of her age. Most seniors need "coaching" to answer questions based on their functioning to coincide with their worse day not best day. Indeed, in my mind I am still young but the calendar says 7 decades.
I am wondering if their directives are attempts to be involved without actually showing up and delivering. It may be an attempt to indicate interest at least to you. Let's not assume the worse about these adult children. Perhaps they are doing their best.
The Area Agency on Aging may be able to set up meals on wheel delivery so she has a meal that she does not have to prepare. They may have access to alternative transportation options. All of us have paid taxes that fund the Area Agency on Aging so we need not feel we are indigent to use the service.
When one is 90 it takes a bit longer for all tasks. That is why we quit working. What we could do in an afternoon in our 30's, takes a day and recovery time.

Not sure where you are located but in some states people over age 85 (may be different in other state) actually can automatically qualify for handicapped placards for cars so I would think would also qualify for special transport and if not , likely could pursue through a doctor’s verifying the need for van transport.
As far as the issue of a gift card— I think they do think you are getting compensated somehow..perhaps one of them , or someone else is pocketing the money and all are even chipping in ..which could be answer to two of your questions — that they aren’t helping at all ( yes they are , they think, by paying for a companion) and that they think they can tell you what to do as their employee. The gift card was likely just an extra and intended in a good way as a thanks for all you do for mom. It could be that one of them is making out with this . Or that they are paying someone else even to be a go between . Or even that they are putting money into moms account but she is too embarrassed by this and can’t tell them no but also realizes that you are helping out of friendship and she doesn’t want to embarrass you by offering the money. I am not quite sure what the answer is ..obviously you love her and want to continue with your assistance and friendship. I think , use the gift card and write a thank you back ..I think when you actually redeem the card it will even give you a spot to do that. You can say that you do appreciate the card and perhaps either use it for yourself or for something for the two of you ..like a special tea to share during one of your days . Then say that , while no renumeration has ever been necessary you do appreciate your act of kindness being appreciated. Did the “orders” only start after the gift card ? Only way they could be connected unless this IS the person getting the money. Only other options are either the email to ALL of them ..saying exactly what you said here ..that you help out of friendship and just want it clear that you have not ever received any money and in fact won’t accept anything . Plus that you will continue to help as you desire not at their order. Or do the same but in an inperson meeting with all involved except the friend who might be hurt by that.
she is lucky to have a friend like you.

I would buy and give them a $20 gift card. Tell them you are now square. And keep doing for your friend what your heart tells you.

You turn off the ringer on your phone, put it in your pocket where you can’t see the screen, turn the key in the ignition of your car, put it in gear and GO! Do write a thank you note for the gift card, tell them you were happy to help them out with their family member.

That’s it, your obligation is finished. If you let yourself get sucked into this situation again, then shame on you.

Give the $20 gift card back to the gifter (or if you already used it, give the gifter $20). Explain that you thought the gift card was indeed a gift not payment for services. Now that you understand that it was meant as payment for services, you are returning it as you are not their employee. You are simply volunteering your time when you are able in order to help a friend.

Totally agree with previous posters....give them back the $20 and very clearly but kindly explain that they obviously do not understand your intentions...you are volunteering your time to help your friend.  If they want to employ someone to do specific tasks that they feel need done and they aren't willing or able to do themselves, it will cost them around $20 per hour to hire someone and it won't be you.  They have no clue what it costs to hire a caregiver, but I imagine they are soon going to find out.

This deffiently is not normal.

First, I would tell my friend what is going on.

Then, I would let her children know that you are not an employee and you will do whatever you want to do when you want to do it for your friend and that's between you and your friend.

Tell them that you've been helping out for months and the $20 gift card was a nice jester but was not payment and you don't require payment for things you decide to do for your friend.

Tell them if they can't handle their mom's needs that they should consider hiring a Caregiver, have groceries delivered, hire a cleaning service or whatever is needed..

That you will continue being a friend to their mom not their Employee.

If they try to keep you from talking or seeing your friend, call Senior Protective Services

Wow. This is as inconsiderate as borrowing a BILLION DOLLARS from an enemy power just to become president of a friendly power to whom personal taxes STILL WON'T BE PAID.

You're amazingly compassionate to have even put up with this kind of behavior THIS long. Don't forget that.