What do you wish people would ask you?

Metoo111, I realized, I didn't answer your question for your situation. I believe your friend might like to get away sometimes. If that isn't possible, then ask if you can come over, bring her lunch or coffee and a treat. Bring a movie. Make a meal that she can just heat up. Mow the lawn or weed if that's your thing. If she has respite, get her out of the house. Offer to pick up items from a store she doesn't get to often but be sure to give notice. Tell her you want to support her but ask what would help most. Give suggestions so she knows what you are thinking and doesn't have to figure it all out herself. When I was moving my mom, 2 friends offered to help. But one said exactly what she could do and time slots. She came with me to the room, took measurements, helped me make a list and helped me gather and move all the smaller items, gave me the name and number of a mover for the big stuff.

Overwhelmed and isolated have been the words that describe my life the most. I would add to be intentionally observant of the surroundings when you visit a caregiver to notice what might be a helpful task from which to relieve her/him. Ask her to make a list of all the tasks that need done that never seem to be a priority but would lift some stress, no matter how big or small. Then when people ask what they can do to help, she will be ready with a reply other than "nothing I can think of at the moment." Ha! I have been so grateful for help with what might seem to others as the smallest and most insignificant of tasks. We've had tons of rain over the past couple months here in the Midwest, and the 5 bird feeders that my dad enjoys watching had gotten moldy and the grains had sprouted. A young family friend came out to the farm last week to escape her small city apartment and asked what she could do, and I hesitantly asked if she would clean the birdfeeders. She tackled it without hesitation. Whoosh! Such a load off my shoulders! I mentioned to my daughter yesterday that several church members would be here to visit grandpa on Wednesday. She saw that the surfaces in the main living area were a bit dusty and just got up and dusted and swept. It took her all of 15 minutes. Whoosh! Another load off! :)

You are a good friend to care enough to want to help and to ask how you can be helpful! I will echo what a lot of others are saying, listen. Letting a caregiver vent and share stories is really therapeutic.
I don't love it when people try to fix problems because they end up offering obvious advice that I've either already tried or just won't work for one reason or another. You can however ask if there is a problem you can try to help with. For instance, they may need a part-time sitter or housekeeper and you can do the research to find someone trustworthy. I know it's knit-picky but there is a difference in offering simple solutions to complex problems and offering to tackle a problem before you start trying to fix it.
When people ask how my mom is I know they mean well, but I want to say, she has Alzheimer's and there is no cure so she's never going to get better. So I would recommend you ask how your friend is doing and maybe ask what Dad is up to now. They are always up to something but not getting better. Cynical, I know, but it feels true to me.
Thanks for being a good friend.

Definitely ask your friend how they are doing. As others said, everyone always asks how the "patient" is doing, but neglect to ask about the care-giver! I don't give the hands-on care, but take care of everything else - no help from brothers really (none from non-local one.) Every time I think the dust has settled for a bit and perhaps I can take some time to tackle things that need doing here, the poop hits the fan (having one of those times right now!!! Holiday week, mom fell over the weekend and now needs to go to doc for knee pain, unable to support her weight, one cat started limping, can't get a vet appt, my neglected checkups are resulting in call backs... it goes on and on!!)

Always call before dropping in, ask if there is a good time and bring coffee, tea, some kind of snack they like, etc. You never know when they might be tied up with some kind of hands-on task, so it is better to prearrange a good time.

Ask if you can help out with anything that needs doing that they don't have time to tackle as often (gardening, mowing, painting, etc) and offer to "babysit" so they can get some time OUT on their own! Suggesting they make a to-do list (as one might not think of these things at the time when asked) would be good - then you can assess the list and tackle what you feel you can do and/or find a way to help out in another way. Ask if they want a regular sit and chat time during any quiet spells. Bring a prepared meal to some of these visits. They may have sitters, but probably don't leave/get out enough to take care of errands, etc or get a change of view for a little while. If going to do grocery or other shopping, ask if they need you to pick up anything.

Wish I had a friend like you!!!

It would have been nice if people had just asked how I was doing.

Hi, hi. I agree and relate to all answers. Read them all.
My wish? Someone to say " I'd like to come & fix breakfast or dinner for you?" My daughters offer to and bring over food/ dinner mostly on special occasions. His birthday, mothers or Father's Day. Never realized how much I enjoyed the break after my baby brother a chef in CA visited last month. I asked he stay with us instead of a hotel which he was glad to. I got up one morning, heard him in the kitchen and he was cooking us breakfast! Real hash browns and all the rest. I was feeling lost sitting and relaxing as he suggested. He also cooked a gourmet type dinner for us & other family members one evening! The breakfast was my best treat, because my mornings are so busy that sometimes I've wished someone would be here to make us just a bowl of oatmeal. Hubby never was much for cooking but now he couldn't anyway.
This aging care forum has been so encouraging for me. Knowing and learning how everyone deals or not with all situations. I don't post too much
but have learned recently to stop trying to be the superwoman my family always thought I was, & make time do do what I like. This is one thing I like.
I can't talk to family or few very long time friends like I do here. They don't nor do I expect them to understand. I try to let them know that they don't have to understand but acceptance is a difficult thing for many people to do. Including myself. I posted a note on my fridge this morning. Note to self: Quit doing stupid things!! I went out to check our mail yesterday & put both recycle & trash cans out. They weren't that heavy on wheels but my back was so sore this morning, I'm done. No more can do. I too have to learn to ask for help. I'll delegate to one of my adult grandkids to stop by on Monday evenings & take cans to the curb. I'm sure they will if I ask. I've tried to figure out why so many of our younger generation lack something called common sense. They are able to do most anything if asked but can't figure out simple stuff like " I'll call/txt Nana to ask if she needs something." Oh well. 🤓
Thanks to all. I've enjoyed my break.

Hugs & blessings. 😇

I have taken care of my mom with dementia in my home going on two years now and for a good many years before in a support role when she lived independently in her home. There has been a gradual decline to the point now she is incontinent and bedridden. When trying to decide whether the next step was hospice in my home or a nursing home (both me and my husband have back problems which make turning my mother in bed pretty difficult) a close relative who had been through the same journey said to me "Just know whatever happens now, you have done ALL that you can do." These words were so comforting to me. I repeat them over and over to myself often. We did choose hospice in home and it has been pretty difficult. Another relative said "I'm glad you didn't put her in a nursing home" which did not make me feel good and seemed kind of insensitive because if we had chose that it didn't mean we loved her any less it's just sometimes that's the best you can do when you've done all you can.

"How on earth did you leave your home, your family, your pets and YOUR LIFE to move in with your mother in another state 7 states away from your own?"

Do you need anything? and mean it.
I'd also like to say you are a dear friend to your friend.

Asking what do I need just for me. Not always help with mom, for mom, about mom. Just me. I felt completely swallowed up by the situation like I no longer existed.

Not that "mom help" wouldn't be soooooo appreciated.

I found it wasn't always what was asked but how many times. Do not take "I'm fine" or "Its ok"as an answer. We are lying, whether we know it or not. Push a little, follow through. So many people asked once and that was it.

Sometimes the thing I wished for the most was to not be asked, I prayed for someone to have the incentive to pitch where they could. To not have to be in charge to not have to think or instruct. For someone to step in and say "Shoo. I got this"

Just help her navigate the legal, emotional, financial, and overall support of what a caregiver role is and what it will be. Your role may change as the situation gets more dire because the Dad is getting to the end. You know your friend so suggest she take walks or offer to do chores that need to be done. Especially cleaning and grocery shopping. These chores are tedious and frequent but the more you engage in her well being than the better it will be for her in the end because you have been there since the beginning . I hope this helps and you are a good friend and person. Fortunately I have a friend like you and it made all of the difference in the world when my mother passed away. She stayed with me and helped me because no way I could have done these tasks of hospice care on my own .Hospice is a home hospital that required 24/7 care with meds and a nurse on call so offer suggestions and think about the future now before it gets to that point. Most caregivers live in the now and may not prepare for the inevitable future. So do your research and have answers for her while she is in the present. I hope this helps you as you support your friend.

I think your friend is lucky to have you,., thats like gold to have a friend who wants to support you through this very difficult journey. You really do find out who your friends are going through this journey. I am going through this with both of my parents and very little support.. my Dad passed a couple of months ago. Everyone who does ask.. asks about my Mom.. but I am struggling with my Dad's death as well.

I would keep asking her.. how is SHE doing..often you disappear as a caregiver.. or thats how it was for me. I would love for someone to send a card, call, ask me out for coffee... and just talk about how I am doing.. or any other subject to lift my spirits... the little things mean so much when you are in this situation.

You sound like a good friend..

I love your question, big hugs to you for asking it.  Little things you can do is have a good ear for her to vent, no matter how frustrating that might get, just listen.  Offer to pick up something she might need from a store.  Stop by to visit in person, because often caregivers are isolated and it's nice to have a hug from someone and a visit about normal life, yes normal life, caregiving isn't normal life, and one of the problems with it is if you don't have an outlet it becomes normal life and you can't cope with the real world as well once the caregiving is done, I'm just saying it.  Offer to mow the yard if there's a yard, offer to run her car to the car wash or gas it up for her, ask her if she'd like something special from a restaurant she may miss going to, if she's going out to run errands, offer to go with her, just sit with her and watch a movie at her home so she's with a friend for awhile.  It can be hard, and hard to watch, but it'll mean everything to her.  I have one friend who lives long distance from me who calls me every day to check on me, not one local who cared, bless you for this for your friend.

Thanks to all for the great suggestions. They will help a lot as she continues on this journey. Her mother fell recently and broke her shoulder so my friend has even more to do in caring for both of her parents. Your suggestions will be used again and again to help my friend.

Her son spent the night with our family last night. He is a senior in HS and playing on the football team. I will be sure to stay with my friend's parents for several of the games so that she and her husband will be able to attend them together. I'm not sure who posted about missing their child's events but that struck a chord with me so I thank you for that insight.