My mother engages in abusive behavior towards myself. Everything from ignoring me when I try to talk to her: "oh were you talking to me?" (There's only the two of us in the house).
Calling me names. Commenting on my appearance. Telling my brother outright lies, saying I don't do anything around the house. Whenever I try to have a rational discussion with her and she doesn't like the subject she starts crying elder abuse. My mother is the classic narcissistic mother. The following link pretty much describes my childhood and adulthood almost to the T.
https://parrishmiller.com/narcissists
I have become increasingly worried that she's capable of wrongfully accusing me of elder abuse.
I started to record her because everything she claims I am doing to her SHE is doing to me. My father passed in 2012. Before he died I had told him I was worried about my welfare. He assured me that he had set up account for both me and my brother that she had nothing to do with through his investments. I have yet to see a copy of the family trust or will. She's told me it's none of my business. My father had a major CVA at 55. He lived for 17 yrs after. I'm the one who called 911 and she resents me for it. According to her it's my fault that she didn't get to travel Europe during her golden years and instead had to take care of a sick old man. That if I had just waited a few more minutes I wouldn't have ruined her life.
I have looked online to see if there are any cases of the elder being the abuser and I can't find a thing. There's a lot more to this but that's pretty much the Cliff notes version.
A little bit about me; I am a Gulf War veteran. A former regional officer for phi theta kappa academic honor society. Recipient of the outstanding student veteran award at my college.
I would like nothing more than to have an amicable relationship with my mother but I honestly don't think that it's possible. I just want to know what my legal rights are and what do you do when the abuser is the elderly person?
Well, elder abuse is when the elder is locked into the macchinations and manipulations of the carer - they can't extricate themselves due to their incapacity which can make them susceptible to being taken advantage of - ie abused.
From the carer's standpoint, this can't apply since the carer is theoretically capable of assessing risk, and simply leaving the hostile envionment (you can equally return later and try again to recondition the behaviour toward your terms).
Perhaps you could rephrase the behaviour as an 'abusive elder' to differentiate the connotation (and there are many instances of that to read on this forum!).
Your 'legal' right is to leave (and find a replacement carer) if not managing well.
guilt. Because I can tell you, that you are the one who is suffering and losing sleep, not her. It looks like to
me that she enjoys making her loved ones miserable. You haven’t mentioned whether she has been diagnosed with any type of dementia. But if she has displayed this type of narcissistic behavior from your childhood until now then you are must take action to save your mental health. My father has been the world champion of manipulation for most of his and my life. He lives with me and my hubby, but he also has dementia. I’ve tried to develop a strategy now that every time that I find that it’s a struggle, In the past, there have been topics on this forum dealing with difficult and toxic parents. “Detaching with Love” was one.
I look back and think of good times that our family have shared. But from what I’ve read in your post, it would appear that you had very few or none. This is very sad and I hope that you find a way out of your situation. God Bless.
Long story short-I left and she was being helped by three women and two men who live nearby. I figured that was enough people to do what I was doing by myself. But darned if I have now abandoned her, according to her. The smear campaign is going strong and I have been accused of theft, fraud, forgery and abaondonment, as well as wanting all her money, not loving her and deceiving her. Mind you, I have done none of these things. She is now threatening to sue me. Keep in mind, I have POA, and have done everything on the up and up. Narcicism is an understatement. So add cognitive decline and you have one very large mess. My advice for YOU, since I have been going through it for so long and have finally made a decision, is to remove yourself from the situation. Find volunteers, hire a caregiver, whatever it takes. Just remove yourself. It is NOT worth your personal health. You were not put on the earth to receive abuse and it is not your job to sacrifice yourself to a narcissist. Mother or not. It will never be enough, no matter what you do. It's sad that it has to end this way but it's self preservation. My health is starting to decline from the stress to the point I had to remove myself or have a stroke or a heart attack. Take care of you. As far as the paperwork, will, finances-look online at your county recorder under your father's name, your mother's name, your name. You may find there is something there. Also, I would look through her files if it is possible. Is she incapacitated? Deemed incompetent? Someone will need to be guardian and POA. She may be too far into dementia (I'm guessing) to talk rationally about this. But start at the county. You may already be POA and not know it.
We have just such an issue happening right now. There was a safeguarding concern raised about a client who lives with his son. After just a few visits to support our client, the lady in charge found that the workers were coming back looking puzzled and asking whether the concern was about our client or about his son? The client is a thumping narcissist, the son is a bundle of nerves and suspected of substance abuse (but nobody blames him). Our local social services are finding the son somewhere else to live.
You say you're asking to know what your legal rights are, and finding it difficult to get support to protect yourself from your abuser. What are you expecting anyone to do? No legal power can make your mother different from how she actually is. Do you want her punished? Forced to acknowledge her appalling attitudes? Made to say she's sorry and she wants to change?
She needs to be taken care of by people she can't hurt. That means, not you.
What are your reasons to stay?
Get yourself a new place to live, get your career on track, don't depend on some inheritance to take care of you later in life. Many have been fooled by these hollow promises. You are betting on the come, start taking care of yourself.
Let her use her money to find a new punching bag.
This will not get any better and you may find yourself in a real mess when she dies, no career, no future.
If it makes you feel any better, go speak to a Certified Elder Care attorney to discuss your rights, if any, before you move out of her house. Get the 411 from the expert before you do anything further, including getting some info about any 'accounts' your father set up for you, and how you'd get the funds once your mother dies.
Stop fantasizing about 'an amicable relationship' with a snake. That's not going to happen. Accept the fact that you're never going to have the mother of your dreams; once you do that, THEN you can move on with YOUR life and leave her to live hers as she sees fit. To blame you that you saved your fathers life and 'ruined hers' in the process is beyond despicable. She deserves to be alone in her old age and to figure out how to hire people to take care of her, should the need arise. Let her use her MONEY to buy people's kindness because yours has just expired. Enough is enough.
Wishing you the best of luck moving on with your own life now. You deserve to.
That being said I am just curious why the administration on Aging Care has allowed this poster to use God's name in vain(g*dd**n)in their post along with the word **** without blocking out some of the letters, when others like lealonnie here can't say **** without it being blocked out(unless you did that yourself lealonnie.)
I know that I've personally gotten the words ****, *** and even the word *** blocked out from the administration on my responses before, and none of those words are as bad as using God's name in vain.
Needless to say I find it odd and to be honest, a bit disturbing. You(Aging Care)can't allow some words that others may find offensive if you're not going to allow them all.
Just my 2 cents worth.
I am reporting this post, so Aging Care will see it.
If Mom can care for herself or afford to higher someone to care for her, time to leave. Tell brother you are no longer going to put up with her. You can check on her and leave when she gets started.
Find a home of your own. (you do not indicate if she has any health problems and needs to have someone with her)
You can not be accused of abuse if you are not present.
From your description I do not think I would visit unless I were in a public place or had someone with me.
Amicable:
adjective
(of relations between people) having a spirit of friendliness; without serious disagreement or rancor.
Synonyms:
agreeable, compatible, congenial, frictionless, harmonious, kindred, united.
NONE of this describes the relationship that you have with your mother.
I doubt that this will happen in your lifetime.
Take care of yourself mentally, emotionally and physically.
Forget about anything that your dad might have left you, it is not worth your mental, emotional health or physical for anything.
As a person with military background think of it this way...
In dealing your mother you have lost the battle but in taking care of yourself you have won the war. (apologies to Charles de Gaulle)
Love this...so true!
Do you need to change that?
Not to trivialize your father’s stroke, but I’d think your mother was a factor in why it happened! You may be his replacement, the one she abuses since your father is no longer here to deal with her.
Now about this trust your father supposedly left for you and your brother it would have been set up by a lawyer. If you know the lawyers name you can contact them and ask. I will google and be back.
So some states require trusts to be filed check with local register of deeds. Trusts have yearly accounting. Who gets the mail? Check out letters sent to your mother from lawyers. Just to get their name and you have a starting point.
Now if there is no trust and dad just has you names as beneficiaries in the will that is all well and good but doesn't mean anything if your mother burns through all the money before she dies. Unless he left you hard assets like the house but even that could be sold before her death.
If i was you i would start snooping when she is sleeping to see if i can find documents and paperwork to see what your dad is talking about. But that's just me.
Your mother is an abusive manipulator. My guess is you have a long history of her being abusive.
So do I with my mother. I moved back here a few years ago because we made an arrangement that would benefit us both. It didn't work out like that. I was the family scapegoat my entire life and grew up as her emotional dumping ground. I have to keep her home until after the new year then, I'm out. She'll probably end up in a care facility.
It's time for you to get out too. You cannot live with your mother anymore. The abuse will get worse the older she gets. At some point she will accuse you of elder abuse depending on how far she wants to take her drama performance. I worked for an elderly woman years back as a caregiver who actually injured herself so she could accuse her daughter of elder abuse. She scratched up her own face with her own nails until it bled. Then she called the police and said her daughter (who lived with her) did it. The cops saw right through it and she ended up being placed in the worst nursing home in town by that very daughter. You have to move away from your mother.