What happens to people with no families? How do they eat if there are no cooks?

Unless you are a professional cook with food safety certifications, the al might well turn down your kind offer.

What they should be doing is contracting with such a provider. Even San Quentin State Prison did that in 2020.

When there was an issue at my mother's Memory Care and the chef had Covid, the Executive Director ordered take out food to be delivered from the Olive Garden. That's how the residents ate. Not by asking their families to cook!

This facility your MIL is in really does sound like a total nightmare in every way. Why do they have NO plans in place to deal with a virus that's been with us for over 2.5 YEARS now?

I suggest you call over there right away and recommend they order take out food from local restaurants to feed their residents 3 meals a day. To have the families cooking food in their kitchens is unacceptable. They have no idea how clean your kitchens are, or what kind of quality control you have over the food in your fridges and pantries. This is not to suggest you are dirty or any such thing......just to say it's inappropriate and against health code standards for them to be asking families to COOK for residents!

What the *** kind of facility is this telling people to bring food for their families? If DH is so concerned about the 100 other people in the facility without families let him cook for them.

Geez you are paying these people to care for MIL and you are doing most of the care for free.

I hope to God you are making progress getting her the **** out of that place. And once you do i would report them to licensing or some kind of regulatory agency.

So curious about this facility, MILHell. I think you mentioned it’s “faith-based” or non-profit or something. It sounds like a scam. I’m imagining a facility run by like the pastor’s wife’s sister or something. But maybe I’m totally off base and the people who are in charge are just unprofessional and incompetent? 🤔

I have to agree, its the ALs responsibility to feed these people. They get paid to provide 3 meals a day. If it wasn't the weekend, I may call the health department to see what they think.

No, do not take food to others. Provide for your Mom. DH is a good guy but good deeds don't go unpunished. They will not starve, the AL has to provide meals.

Snoopylove, you just made me laugh. The administrator has an Associates Degree in Sports nutrition and her only other job according to Linkedin is a scuba diving instructor for Sea Trek BVI. She is very young. I do not think she is competent to run a facility.

WHY is your MIL in this place??

Contact the state licensing board immediately, as well as the county health department.

I think that's a great idea. If I still cooked since I was already cooking I would just make more of whatever I was making and share it. It's easier to cook for more people than just a couple.

I'm sure hubby has good intentions, but NO. You are not responsible for feeding anyone there. I would think that the families that are not local are going to push back on the facility to tell them that is impossible. I agree with others that the AL is responsible and should order takeout or whatever they need to do to feed the residents. They could go to the grocery store and buy prepared foods, simple things, etc etc. So absurd to tell everyone to bring meals in.

Thank you for the answers. We had not thought about liability. We did have a local grocery store deliver some pastries, sandwiches, fruit and chips.

My husband is upset and sent the administrator a bill for $75 for her missed shower today to offset the one she sent us and added food and his time to it. Sibling 1 and him think the best course of action is to be jerks so she gets kicked out and the community Medicaid waiver will need to place her properly.

Her bill states she is Level 6 MC. Does anyone know what that means?

She has dementia, had a stroke, diabetes, bed sores, incontinent, COPD, high blood pressure and cholersterol, and cannot walk very good. She falls often. She hallucinates often too.

What is memory care? Is that assisted living?

She has a friend there who likes to touch people inappropriately. She scares me.

Most people there are on hospice and die rather quickly. MIL is a full code according to the facility, my husband does not want to honor it as POA.

Care at my Moms AL 4 was the highest in care. Mom needed help with everything. Maybe 6 means her stage of dementia and MC, memory care.

My husband agreed with your husband make xtra. If the families pitched in and all brought xtra, there maybe enough to feed everyone. They must have stuff to make at least sandwiches. My Mom was in a small AL and the aides were required to help at meals. They made up the tables, distributed drinks and helped with serving. No reason the staff can't pitch in. And, for every family that brought food, they should see a credit on the bill.

I may check out this Administers credentials with the State. Even though private owned the State should be overseeing the facility. I would start with the State Ombudsman.

This post has brought up something interesting, checking the credentials of the Adminstrator/director and the RNs and LPNs.
At Moms AL the Nurse in charge had an LPN by State law it has to be an RN. The AL had lost their RN and the LPN had experience in a NH and she was hired to fill in until an RN could be found. My daughter worked her way up from an LPN to RN and knows more than some that only took RN training. But LPNs do have limits, my state they were at one time not allowed to give shots, not sure if that has changed. A bordering State does allow it so my daughter worked there.

MIL, I do not understand this sentence:

"MIL is a full code according to the facility, my husband does not want to honor it as POA."

Do you mean he doesn't want to CHANGE it as poa?

The OP states in a reply below that the MIL has bed sores. This is nursing home neglect.

Her husband and his siblings should be looking to get mom out of this s**t hole and into an appropriate facility instead of yammering on about the food. That is the least of this facilities problems.

It is like this place is holding MIL hostage. Note they do not even administer moms insulin there. The OP has to go up there 4 times a day to give MIL insulin.

I really dont understand this OP or her husband and why they are being cowed by this facility. One call to licensing or some sort of regulatory board would get this place investigated.

If I knew the name of the place I would do it myself. Nothing worse than a place like this hiding under this faith based nonsense to neglect and abuse seniors they are supposed to be caring for.

SP19690, i hear your frustration and we feel the same. I have read the responses but it is over my head.

She is not on a LTC waiver, she is on a community waiver, the one that pays for the in home care. There is a care team, a nurse and a social worker that works for the Area on Aging. Those two said she does not need a nursing home, we did not. They call MIL and administrator every month and say she is properly placed. They said the waiver they administer does not cover a nursing home.

I know people have tried to explain it but it is over my head and I am confused.

What a hot mess--

My initial response, coming from a place of 'giving' was to go ahead and make large batches of food and deliver it to the facility--then my realistic side kicked in and I saw myself trying to organize and cook for X many residents, 3 times a day, making the meals healthy, diabetic friendly and not horrifically costly.

Next to impossible! I could do it ONCE or TWICE, but not 3xs a day for goodness knows how long?? 2 weeks, at least??

I'd take care of MY LO and have a good chat with the director of this place. FOOD comes ahead of SHELTER, IMHO. And I agree, they've had 2.5 years and counting with the pandemic and it's not going away, so they need to figure something out.

There are certainly plenty of food service companies who can do banquet style meals if the people there have no family, Even if they do!

So, every time they have a COVID breakout, there's no food service? That's extremely poor planning.

Folks, let's remember that the OP (original poster, MilHell) is not driving the bus here, nor is this her parent.

DH is POA and HE'S the one who needs to understand his responsibilities and to sort out this mess.

I agree that a lawyer is needed. As far as I recall, the ombudsman has been called twice and hasn't responded.

Thank you Barb. I feel as if I am 45 going on 105 right now.

I have not slept for long periods of time since July 2020. MIL fell and I heard my shoulder pop lifting her. I am in alot of pain all the time, I cannot lift my arm straight in the air. The doctors tested me for heart issues and apnea. I have neither. I dont sleep because of pain in my shoulder and upper arm. It seems no one listens to anything anymore.

Has anyone done an MRI of your shoulder? Could be a rotator cuff injury.

spl19690: "You are killing and destroying your life for MIL. While husband and siblings do nothing."

THIS! And you've been in pain for 2 years now because you lifted MIL off the floor?

What is WRONG with your H? Why do you put up with all of this?

His big is this place ?

at my moms memory care, on my tour, the director was in the kitchen.. short staffed…often saw him working the floor..

I'm starting to think that this is a sort of board and care home that provides "supervision" and little else.

DH needs to apply for Long Term Care Medicaid.

I feel like people are coming down on me for things not in my control.

MIL, I don't know about anyone else, but it's not my intention to "come down on you".

Merely suggesting that applying for LTC Medicaid is what DH needs to be getting done.

MIL, this is a forum full of people with opinions and you may not like all of them, that's for sure. The internet is not the place to find the level of help you need with your MIL. You and DH need professional guidance. Applying for LTC Medicaid is not a simple 1-2-3 matter either, and something you may need help with. The Elder Care atty will also be able to advise you of someone who can do just that. I was going to hire a gal to walk me thru the whole process and submit the application TO Medicaid for me, and then follow thru with it to completion. The cost was $1400. She emailed me the application and spoke with me at length over the phone; I didn't wind up needing to apply; my mother passed away before she needed Medicaid.

Some things are not within your control to change, but some ARE. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind in your case:

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Hi Becky,

I do not understand your defensiveness. The poster in question has been nothing but nasty and rude, not helpful.

I have enough on my plate that I do not need someone making me feel worse than what I already do.

Peggysue, sibling 4 showed up, an addict. Husband took out close to $2000 to pay Sibling 4's bills and to fix MIL car to be driven. I lost my temper yesterday. He is at work and Sibling 4 will be here soon. The keys to get in my house were gone today from the spots, it is not right

Two people are leaving here because they are "done.". I am sorry for offending anyone.

I am really sorry to hear about what is transpiring with your husband. It seems like the MIL is just one of many other larger issues you have had to deal with. Not only with your husband but his entire family and their treatment of you. Believe me everyone who posted really had your back, but sometimes when we are in a heightened state of stress and pain things that are posted with the intent to be helpful and offer advice and solutions take on a darker tone to the person reading said comments even if that wasn't the posters intention.

MilHell seems to have disabled her account. I wanted to wish her well at the divorce lawyer today.