Mom thinks she is independent and can do everything herself but can't. Should I leave for a few days and prove to her that she is not ok on her own?

Leaving mom alone when you know she can’t take care of herself is elder neglect.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Fawnby

If you are POA. Then you start visiting places and make that your decision. Then you ask the marketing person on how it arranged. They should have paperwork for her doctor to sign stating incompetence. Once paperwork is done then she will need a TB test a few days prior. The marketing person should give you ideas on a rouse to get her to the place...usually going to lunch at the place. You will set up assistance to move her bed and some of her favorite possessions into her room. Show her her new room then excuse yourself to make a phone call or something like that. The staff will handle from there.
There are other suggestions on scenarios as well
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MACinCT

Regarding it somehow kind of becoming your fault that a responder made assumptions ("because YOU didn't spit out every information possible!", etc), I've experienced this on here and it just sort of comes with the territory of posting in a public forum. I've also received many words of wisdom on here. Wishing you strength.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to GraceJones

Poor mom facility can mean end of the road
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to cover9339
AlvaDeer Apr 3, 2024
So can staying at home, though, Cover? Right?
I mean to me, at 81, it is kind of an option. Dying in your own home, on the floor, unable to get help is one thing. But burning down the house and the one attached next door is another.
It just isn't always about a choice.
You are thriving in facility and are our eyes on the ground, right? Still kicking. Might be the case if you were home alone? But might not be, right.
See 6 more replies
ok this sounds urgent. Roger man, we need more details in order to give you good advice. Sounds like you are staying at moms but now stuggling. We need to know the logistics of stuff including legal stuff, eg is someone legal POA ?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to strugglinson

She has dementia. You can't prove anyhting to someone who is losing her reason and logic. All the more if she has short-term memory loss.

If you are her PoA then make a therapeutic fib to get her in to her doctor for a cognitive and memory test so that your authority can legally be active. You don't have to get her buy in on going into a facility or at least paying for some part-time, in-home aids. I used to tell my Aunt that the aids were there to help *me*.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Geaton777

If you are not her POA you probably should not be.
I would refer her to APS. I would ask for wellness checks on her and make daily phone contact if you leave.
I would not attempt to be POA for an uncooperative person who won't even get diagnosed.
If your mother will not get help then report to her MD that she seems unsafe and SS has suggested that she is, but she will not accept your help.
Also report her to APS and tell them state will have to take guardianship as you cannot.

Roger, there are many out here with no children or friends at all. They are alone. A neighbor usually ends reporting them and the state takes over. Do know that at that point the state is guardian and will make ALL decisions about placement, when where and how, and about finances of hers and all financial matters.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Do you have POA for your mother and is there an actual diagnosis of dementia? If you answer 'yes' to both then you can place her in a care facility regardless if she's willing to go or not.

If you do not have POA and there is no formal diagnosis of dementia (and so often there is neither in these kinds of situations), then yes you should leave for a few days. In fact go for a week or more if needs be.

This is what I had to do because my mother was the same. Believed she was still independent because she didn't have dementia. When her abusive neediness reached the point where I had to go or a tragedy was going to happen I left. I stayed with my ex-husband for a bit. When my mother got tired of living on old peanut butter and stale crackers she modified her behavior towards me a bit for a little while. We could not live together anymore though.

Of course, if your mother has dementia leaving her on her own will not force her to accept that she's not independent anymore because her mind can't process correctly anymore.

The two of you should not be living together. You can stop being her caregiver and not live with her.
She can go into care.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

You have three posts, basically saying the same thing.

You are exhausted!

Mom has dementia.

So, to answer your first comment. Hire an overnight caregiver and get some sleep.

Second question. You said in one of your three posts that you wonder how far the dementia has progressed.

Call Council on Aging in your area for a needs assessment. Take it from there. They will guide you in the right direction.

If you want an accident to happen, then sure, leave mom alone.

I seriously doubt that you would want your mother to be in a vulnerable position. Nor, would you want to be reported to APS, would you?

We have a poster who had a mother in law who was basically neglected her husband and his siblings.

The EMTs told them that they were going to report them to APS for neglect if they saw that the mother was at home alone again.

Sadly, the family had a million excuses why they didn’t hire someone to stay with their mom. It took them forever before they placed her in a facility to receive proper care.

Don’t be as foolish as this family was. Hire someone with your mom’s money to care for her. Or better yet, look into placing her in a facility.

Wishing you well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Rogerwyatt7890 Apr 2, 2024
So sorry I repeated my posts. Was not sure they went through. You are kind of rude.
See 7 more replies
You give no info here or on your profile. Does your mother suffer from dementia and have a diagnosis? Are you her POA? If so, you can place her in Memory Care Assisted Living w/o her approval. And no, if she has dementia you should not leave her alone for a few days to prove your point! You can come home and find her dead, God forbid.

Fill in your profile and provide details if you'd like good comments!
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to lealonnie1
NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2, 2024

He wrote three posts back to back. Yes, his mom has dementia. He sounds completely frazzled.
See 1 more reply
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter