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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Tell him when he passes the state's driving assessment then he can drive. He doesn't literally have to take this test, but it may stop him from asking for the keys. Your clinic may have this actual service through Occupational Therapy (mine did) and his doctor can order it. He will fail the assessment (it's a written cognitive test plus a physical reaction test). Then OT reports it to his doctor who reports it to the state (Dept of Public Safety) and then they will send a letter out cancelling his license. So, it's their fault he can't drive, not yours. This worked great for my Mom.
My father was a truck driver for nearly 50 years. Accordingly, driving was a large part of his life. When it reached a point that it was no longer safe for him to drive, we made sure that someone was always with him and could take him wherever he needed to go. He never threatened to leave on his own because my mother could always delay/redirect him. Nevertheless, much like your husband, he always had to have his keys, even if to just walk around with them in his pocket or to place them on the table next to his chair.
Eventually he declined to the point of sundowners and wandering. As he progressed into those stages, I surreptitiously swapped his keys for his car and truck with ones which were identical to his keys but not programmed to start the vehicles. Over the course of the next several years, he tried to drive the vehicles multiple times when he would become frustrated. In the later stages, he has now forgotten about the keys and we have put them away.
We still have the vehicles because they are needed for his care. I never requested that the issuing authority revoke his license because he would not have understood and it really would not have mattered to him if he decided that he wanted to drive. I did not disable the vehicles because it became unnecessary once he no longer had keys which worked. Finally, I allowed him to keep the keys and his dignity all while keeping him and others safe.
Give him keys to a different car and oops, they don't work this morning! If his car has a key fob, remove the battery so it won't open the car door or turn on the car. Remove the car to a neighbor's garage or park it around the corner. Oops, the car's in the shop today! The doctor could prescribe meds to decrease his anger.
Say Yes dear and Give him the key - to anything but that car. then redirect - pick a meal, chore anything he can help you with. time to make a new home for the car?
I just kept telling my husband that his doctor said he couldn't drive anymore. I took his keys while he was sleeping and hid them. Not long after that I sold the car to our granddaughter.
After my dementia dad fell and went into the hospital, I was able to take the keys and car over to my house. I told my dad he didn't have to drive anymore and I would drive them around or run errands. Not long after, my dad received a letter in the mail stating that a doctor has to answer these questions proving his cognitive abilities prior to renewing his license. The state of PA randomly chooses seniors. It was a sign for sure. Don't let husband drive. He can get into a serious accident.
Is there an Adult Day Program in your area? Typically they will pick up in a van or bus, bring the participant to the center. There they get a breakfast, lunch, snack and activities. I knew of one person that would slip the director $5.00 and the director would give it to the husband at the end of the day. That was his "pay" for coming to "work" they did give him some tasks to do during the day. He was very happy getting paid for his work.
But some of the things you can say to your husband. "Work called earlier and they said that you don't have to come in today, your vacation day was approved." maybe..."That machine broke and they are waiting on parts so you don't have to come in." Or....give him wrong keys, you have to call for a tow so he can't go to work. If you have 2 cars you need to get rid of the car he drove. Make sure that you keep your keys on you at all time so that he can't get yours. And I always locked the car when it was in the garage so that he could not get into it to access the garage door remote.
1) he wants to drive 'go to work' (due to dementia) 2) he gets very angry with / towards you (how to handle it)
Re the car: 1) disable a part in the car - be sure he can't call AAA or his / your car ins company for a repair 2) change the car key on the key ring (buy a 'look-alike' if needed) 3) tell him the insurance expired and you're in the process of getting it renewed 4) Is this your car? Can you sell his car? Can you park it elsewhere so he doesn't see it "It's in the shop" - needed a new starter ... 5) Do you have an MD letter indicating he is not allowed to drive? 6) Have you discussed #5 with DMV? 7) Notify local police that of the situation 'in case' he does drive. They are used to these situations (hopefully he won't be driving).
As you can, have a 'friend' come to pick him up for 'work' to take him out for breakfast, a walk, something. See if getting him dressed (tell him he has to shower and get 'ready for work' - if he can. The 'friend' could say it is a 'holiday' and then take him home ("the office is closed today for xxx").
Anger towards you:
1) Do not try to convince him that he cannot drive. He won't understand (as) this will set up an argumentative, emotionally charged interaction. You want to avoid these charged situations however you can.
2) Say: "I will look for the keys. "Why don't you sit down while I look for them." Then walk away.
Perhaps offer or give him a cup of coffee if he might accept it. Tell him the office is closed today (its a legal holiday).
3) Consider how you handle his reactions (anger, agitation) other times?
How long does his 'anger' last ?
Do you do anything to re-direct his? / his focus (anger) - how?
Read Teepa Snow's website, study her webinars, buy her books, see her You Tube videos on how to handle these situations.
4) Get help(er) / caregiver in around the time he asks for the keys to leave. Have that person come to the door to 'help him get ready for work" (get his papers, contracts, get dressed).
5) Consider:
When did this stroke happen?
Does the MD say he will be able to drive again at another time?
How has the stroke affected him in other ways / behavior / emotional reactions?
Is he diagnosed with dementia? a) What kind? b) Do you know what part of the brain is affected? and how? (Study / read about)
How long as he been in this routine (wanting the keys to leave)?
What does he do when you say whatever you say about the keys - how long does he stay activated (angry) ...
Where does he go?
What does he 'then' do?
How is he otherwise different physically and mentally since the stroke?
Is there an Association you can call for support?
5) Take care of yourself as you can / need to. You cannot be 'on' 24/7 absorbing this / these reactions coming at you. Get help in / take breaks / you need a respite. Lean on your friends / networks / church for support.
6) Find a medical social worker (some work independently). S/he may be able to help you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Eventually he declined to the point of sundowners and wandering. As he progressed into those stages, I surreptitiously swapped his keys for his car and truck with ones which were identical to his keys but not programmed to start the vehicles. Over the course of the next several years, he tried to drive the vehicles multiple times when he would become frustrated. In the later stages, he has now forgotten about the keys and we have put them away.
We still have the vehicles because they are needed for his care. I never requested that the issuing authority revoke his license because he would not have understood and it really would not have mattered to him if he decided that he wanted to drive. I did not disable the vehicles because it became unnecessary once he no longer had keys which worked. Finally, I allowed him to keep the keys and his dignity all while keeping him and others safe.
If possible park your car out of sight .
And if you have two cars , sell one .
If his car has a key fob, remove the battery so it won't open the car door or turn on the car.
Remove the car to a neighbor's garage or park it around the corner. Oops, the car's in the shop today!
The doctor could prescribe meds to decrease his anger.
then redirect - pick a meal, chore anything he can help you with.
time to make a new home for the car?
Typically they will pick up in a van or bus, bring the participant to the center. There they get a breakfast, lunch, snack and activities.
I knew of one person that would slip the director $5.00 and the director would give it to the husband at the end of the day. That was his "pay" for coming to "work" they did give him some tasks to do during the day. He was very happy getting paid for his work.
But some of the things you can say to your husband.
"Work called earlier and they said that you don't have to come in today, your vacation day was approved."
maybe..."That machine broke and they are waiting on parts so you don't have to come in."
Or....give him wrong keys, you have to call for a tow so he can't go to work.
If you have 2 cars you need to get rid of the car he drove.
Make sure that you keep your keys on you at all time so that he can't get yours. And I always locked the car when it was in the garage so that he could not get into it to access the garage door remote.
1) he wants to drive 'go to work' (due to dementia)
2) he gets very angry with / towards you (how to handle it)
Re the car:
1) disable a part in the car
- be sure he can't call AAA or his / your car ins company for a repair
2) change the car key on the key ring (buy a 'look-alike' if needed)
3) tell him the insurance expired and you're in the process of getting it renewed
4) Is this your car? Can you sell his car? Can you park it elsewhere so he doesn't see it "It's in the shop" - needed a new starter ...
5) Do you have an MD letter indicating he is not allowed to drive?
6) Have you discussed #5 with DMV?
7) Notify local police that of the situation 'in case' he does drive. They are used to these situations (hopefully he won't be driving).
As you can, have a 'friend' come to pick him up for 'work' to take him out for breakfast, a walk, something. See if getting him dressed (tell him he has to shower and get 'ready for work' - if he can. The 'friend' could say it is a 'holiday' and then take him home ("the office is closed today for xxx").
Anger towards you:
1) Do not try to convince him that he cannot drive. He won't understand (as)
this will set up an argumentative, emotionally charged interaction. You want to avoid these charged situations however you can.
2) Say:
"I will look for the keys.
"Why don't you sit down while I look for them."
Then walk away.
Perhaps offer or give him a cup of coffee if he might accept it.
Tell him the office is closed today (its a legal holiday).
3) Consider how you handle his reactions (anger, agitation) other times?
How long does his 'anger' last ?
Do you do anything to re-direct his? / his focus (anger) - how?
Read Teepa Snow's website, study her webinars, buy her books, see her You Tube videos on how to handle these situations.
4) Get help(er) / caregiver in around the time he asks for the keys to leave.
Have that person come to the door to 'help him get ready for work" (get his papers, contracts, get dressed).
5) Consider:
When did this stroke happen?
Does the MD say he will be able to drive again at another time?
How has the stroke affected him in other ways / behavior / emotional reactions?
Is he diagnosed with dementia?
a) What kind?
b) Do you know what part of the brain is affected? and how?
(Study / read about)
How long as he been in this routine (wanting the keys to leave)?
What does he do when you say whatever you say about the keys - how long does he stay activated (angry) ...
Where does he go?
What does he 'then' do?
How is he otherwise different physically and mentally since the stroke?
Is there an Association you can call for support?
5) Take care of yourself as you can / need to.
You cannot be 'on' 24/7 absorbing this / these reactions coming at you.
Get help in / take breaks / you need a respite.
Lean on your friends / networks / church for support.
6) Find a medical social worker (some work independently).
S/he may be able to help you.
Gena / Touch Matters
See All Answers