I’ve read posts of many caregivers being burned out and wanting to get out of their situation. I see a lot of encouragement, do’s and don’ts, but what I haven’t read is a way for the caregiver to really Get Completely Out !!!!
I have been a caregiver for 3 years now. No help. I can’t go anywhere, not even to the store, which only takes me 20 minutes there and back unless I find someone to sit with my mom. By the way, she’s coherent and can get out of bed, but refuses to do so. She handles her business, but is petrified of being alone because she REFUSES to get up out of the bed.
I am totally burned out and I do not want to care for her anymore.
How and who do I turn to to relieve me?
She doesn’t want to go to a facility, she doesn’t want anyone in her house.
I am trapped!!
Any suggestions?
Does she get out of bed to go to the toilet or do you have to change her?
She needs to be checked over for dementia and overall health. TOUGH if she doesn't want anyone in the house. Tell her that if she were capable of getting out of bed and looking after herself she wouldn't need a check-up. You have had 3 years of doing things you don't want to do so visits from healthcare professionals to assess your mother's health won't kill her.
Once she is medically assessed you can make plans to get out. Make sure you have enough money to do this and that once you get out you can get a job.
Bring in someone and introduce as a "friend" for a couple of hours a day (example: Visiting Angels). Then let the visiting time get longer. Soon they will be "friends" and then she will have confidence in that person then that person will become the caregiver.
You are enmeshed in a sick co-dependent relationship and you know it. You also know you can't do this break-up alone.
We haven't heard back from you. We all have some ??
MOM is 58 or YOU are? either way, the relationship is twisted.
Mom is UNABLE to get out of bed or UNWILLING? 2 entirely different scenarios.
FINANCIALLY--are you dependent on her or vice versa?
I don't see a way you can 'part time' leave her. I did elder care, and the most I could work in a week was 32 hours. That isn't much. And all my clients were living with family. It was still grueling for them, tho I know I took a lot of the stress off of them--eventually, all my clients went into FT care.
You need to sit down and comb through your options. If YOU are 58, you only have a few years to work for retirement benefits. What are you living on now? Putting mom in a home isn't the 'easy' way out, it's fraught with drama and emotional upset. If mom cannot handle you leaving the house, she's going to lose it when you move away or move her. And you are probably going to have to work.
If mom can be 'rehabbed' into being a fairly independent person, that would be best, but something tells me that's unlikely.
What do YOU want to do? What are YOUR dreams and aspirations? Does mom even care?
This whole post reminds me of that Paul Simon song "There Must be 50 Ways to leave your lover (mother)".
Even if mom is 74, you could easily have 20 more years of CG. I'm sure that fact hasn't passed you by.
Please come back and clarify some things. We're all kind of waiting for that.
Meanwhile, you have been given 41 comments from forum users who care, and not one peep from you in response.