I have been my mother's 24/7 carer for nearly 2 years. My daughter lives far away and wants me to visit her for 2 months to give me a break. I have 2 siblings who don't want to take full responsibility of my mother. They live very busy lives. I am nervous to tell my siblings that I need a lengthy break and feel guilty about leaving my mother. She is 97 years old but healthy. I always try to please everyone and am worried that this could cause a breakdown in my relationship with my family. I am 70 and have health issues and worry that I will spend the last years of my life taking care of my mother and neglecting my 2 children and grandchildren who I had to move away from to care for my mother.
My father cared for my mother and never spent time with his grandkids (my kids) as he felt he could never put her into respite. She is still alive, but he died while caring for her. My kids barely remember my father because he rarely spent time with them (13 and 15 when he died). Don't let that happen to you. My kids missed out on spending time with a great man because he was too worried about what others would think if he asked for help.
I would say the best way to approach is to truly own your own fears for yourself and your own need for this break. I would not argue the issue. I would simply explain that this is the way it must be.
Does family live near Mom? Is there a second for POA action if you are far away and there is a crisis. You know that at 97 virtually anything can happen and by that I mean whether Mom is in your own excellent care or in the care of someone else.
I would say that given your history you have not made this decision lightly or without due deliberation. Have you visited the facility where Mom will be in care?
You have stated well what you had to say when telling us your plans and why you have made them; I would not elaborate a lot nor leave things open to argument with your family. You have already in your head I will bet imagined all the threats and dreadful things they can say to you. And you still know that while a life "may" hang in the balance it is as likely to be your OWN as your Mom's.
I truly wish you the best. I have such a free and beautiful time when I visit my own daughter. There is such peace when I do. I wish the same to you.
You say that you "always try to please everyone." That's called a people pleaser. Well guess what? You will never be able to please everyone, so quit trying and just start pleasing yourself and your immediate family.
Again you deserve this precious time away with your daughter and grandchildren, so quit worrying what your siblings will say, and just go and enjoy yourself. They should just be grateful that you stepped up to care for mom when neither of them did.
Now go and have fun!
You made the choice to move away to care for mom, and now you're making another choice....to spend 2 months taking a well needed break from caregiving. You should let the siblings know you plan to take this same break every X amount of time so they can decide how to care for their mother while you're gone. If this causes conflict, too bad.
Have fun!
Don't worry about people 's reactions. As long as you are at peace with your decisions, that is all that matters.
Go and visit your daughter, if that will give you joy. Do the best you can to set up things for your mom to be taken care of. But go and visit your daughter.
I belong to this forum to help me deal with caregiving issues related to my in-laws. But my own mother (who passed away a decade ago) took loving, devoted care of my grandma for about 15 years. She would often refuse to visit me for fear her mother would die while she was out of town. She deprived herself of much because of her caregiving duties.
Six months after my grandma died--when my mom, free of all responsibility was finally going to live her life--she was diagnosed with terminal cancer that robbed her of her life in a year. I am not saying that this will happen to you; that is not the moral of my story. But I think a lot of people (my mother, my MIL) think that they will be able to live their lives after caregiving is done. But there are no guarantees. Don't let life sneak up on you like that. You have a right to enjoy it. Your daughter has a right to enjoy time with you.
If your siblings are going to get upset, let them. Do the best you can for your mother, yourself, your daughter, and your grandchildren. Good luck!