Your mom sounds like a very toxic individual. I’d interact with her as little as possible and let assisted living… assist with her living. Or love her to Memory Care. Mom’s going to complain about everything regardless, so just ignore her.
Also ignore any deathbed demands. You dad was a d**k to do that to you.
I really hope by you saying you’re helping her out financially does NOT mean your paying her AL rent. If someone is too stupid to prepare for their elder years, a basic Medicaid nursing home is what they deserve.
You wrote such a long profile that I can see she is ready for memory care. Is she requiring more hands on services than AL can provide under contract? She is not eating well and taking Ensure. How much weight is she losing? When dementia progresses to the point of not enough intake, it means it is well advanced. You also need to take her complaints with a grain of salt. It is now the disease that is talking to you
I am with Lea here. Always ask first. Never accuse. I was lucky my daughter is an RN who worked in NHs for 20 years. She would tell me what to say and what I had a right to question.
You need to understand that the staff has a routine. Mom is not there only resident they need to care for. I always would approach staff with "how do you handle this". I allowed them to do things their way since they are doing the job. I rarely talked to the director. The RN was the one in charge of the residents care. She was the boss over the CNAs and Medtechs. The way you approach the problem is very important. You want the staff on ur side. Admit Mom is a handful. Mom also needs to realize, if able, that she is not the only person in the facility. That she is not going to be waited on hand and foot. That she too needs to make an effort.
Speak to the Executive Director about your expectations vs. their care plan for your mother. I'd go in there with a smile and an attitude that you'd like to work things out rather than "Here I am with my mile-long list of complaints" because you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Make sure the AL is equipped to care for your mother properly, and if not, then ask why she was accepted into their facility in the first place?
With AL in general, there are things you'll have to let go of in terms of being perfect; like the food or the quality of the laundry that's done for mom. Complaining (on mom's part) goes with the territory, plus, it's VERY IMPORTANT to fact check everything she claims is 'wrong' with the ALF. My mother was the Queen of making up exaggerated stories of what was happening in her ALF, to the point where my head was exploding. When I called to fact check, turned out mom was being her usual self and telling tall tales. To the point where she even wound up with the sheriff at her door one day to investigate the 'theft of jewelry' that occurred (according to her). Mom slammed the door in the sheriff's face and played the Poor Victim card on that one, too.
My point is, fact check if mom is making lots of claims about what's going on in her ALF. If you've seen things firsthand that upset you, that's another story entirely. Then by all means, speak to the ED and get things straightened out.
“Assisted Living” typically means can take care of “some” ADLs but needs “some” help with “some others.
Does that describe your mother? From what you’ve written it’s possible that she might need a higher level of care (Memory Care?) than she’s currently receiving.
As you describe her “issues or complaints” they sound more like she is potentially unable, perhaps more than unwilling, to participate as you expect her to. If that’s the case, she needs a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist or neurologist or psychologist trained in assessing the very elderly. You need to know what she can fairly be expected to do, and what she can’t.
You list a sad history of issues between the two of you, then state your love for your late father. No problem with any of that (my mother was a terribly damaged woman who made my life painfully difficult for a good part of it), but it helped me to realize it for what it was, and embrace all that as her truth.
You are DOING what your father asked you to do ALREADY. If you are managing and supervising and overseeing what happens to her, THAT’S CARING FOR HER. You don’t have to do ANYTHING else to be a fine supportive caregiving daughter!
Have you run the finances past a good tax accountant or even a family lawyer? If she’s indigent she may be eligible for help that you shouldn’t necessarily be providing. FIND OUT.
Is it possible that you may be trying a little too hard?
Also ignore any deathbed demands. You dad was a d**k to do that to you.
I really hope by you saying you’re helping her out financially does NOT mean your paying her AL rent. If someone is too stupid to prepare for their elder years, a basic Medicaid nursing home is what they deserve.
You also need to take her complaints with a grain of salt. It is now the disease that is talking to you
You need to understand that the staff has a routine. Mom is not there only resident they need to care for. I always would approach staff with "how do you handle this". I allowed them to do things their way since they are doing the job. I rarely talked to the director. The RN was the one in charge of the residents care. She was the boss over the CNAs and Medtechs. The way you approach the problem is very important. You want the staff on ur side. Admit Mom is a handful. Mom also needs to realize, if able, that she is not the only person in the facility. That she is not going to be waited on hand and foot. That she too needs to make an effort.
With AL in general, there are things you'll have to let go of in terms of being perfect; like the food or the quality of the laundry that's done for mom. Complaining (on mom's part) goes with the territory, plus, it's VERY IMPORTANT to fact check everything she claims is 'wrong' with the ALF. My mother was the Queen of making up exaggerated stories of what was happening in her ALF, to the point where my head was exploding. When I called to fact check, turned out mom was being her usual self and telling tall tales. To the point where she even wound up with the sheriff at her door one day to investigate the 'theft of jewelry' that occurred (according to her). Mom slammed the door in the sheriff's face and played the Poor Victim card on that one, too.
My point is, fact check if mom is making lots of claims about what's going on in her ALF. If you've seen things firsthand that upset you, that's another story entirely. Then by all means, speak to the ED and get things straightened out.
Best of luck!
Does that describe your mother? From what you’ve written it’s possible that she might need a higher level of care (Memory Care?) than she’s currently receiving.
As you describe her “issues or complaints” they sound more like she is potentially unable, perhaps more than unwilling, to participate as you expect her to.
If that’s the case, she needs a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist or neurologist or psychologist trained in assessing the very elderly. You need to know what she can fairly be expected to do, and what she can’t.
You list a sad history of issues between the two of you, then state your love for your late father. No problem with any of that (my mother was a terribly damaged woman who made my life painfully difficult for a good part of it), but it helped me to realize it for what it was, and embrace all that as her truth.
You are DOING what your father asked you to do ALREADY. If you are managing and supervising and overseeing what happens to her, THAT’S CARING FOR HER.
You don’t have to do ANYTHING else to be a fine supportive caregiving daughter!
Have you run the finances past a good tax accountant or even a family lawyer? If she’s indigent she may be eligible for help that you shouldn’t necessarily be providing. FIND OUT.
Is it possible that you may be trying a little too hard?