He was in a memory care home (really nice one) for just one month, but there were multiple incidents of physical aggression: kicking, punching, biting of staff members and even another resident. He’s back home now. He is extremely averse to being touched, especially when it comes to bathing, personal hygiene and dressing. Makes it hard for me and problematic when it comes to professional caregivers. Where can someone like this live? Who takes physically aggressive patients? What are the personal liability risks if he hurts someone working in our home? How do I protect myself? I try to not get too close but bathing, toileting and dressing require it; he cannot do these things unaided.
You aren't safe around him. That's the scary part. If he hauls off and socks you in the jaw, and you have to go to the hospital, who will take care of him then?
Your safety is the most important aspect of this. He is now a violent madman. He needs to be in a place where professionals take care of him and know what to do when he gets violent. He should be locked up.
I'm so very sorry, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Follow the good advice on here. Legal separation seems like a logical step after he is placed in a suitable facility, however you manage to accomplish that.
If you haven't, I recommend you see an elder lawyer to have your assets split. Husbands split going to his care. When it runs out, you apply for Medicaid for him. At that point, you remain in the home, have a car and enough of the monthly income to live on. I am just giving you the basics an elder lawyer will go into more detail.
If you are his PoA then consider resigning and allow the county to become his guardian. Then you are out of the loop legally and they will take care of him and make all decisions on his behalf. Consult with an elder law attorney before doing this.
Have you talked to his doctor about medications?
Is sounds like it may be unsafe for you to care for him at home without medicating him.
If you are hiring caregivers through an agency the agency should have insurance in place if a worker does get hurt but it would not hurt to ask your insurance agent about it for your Homeowners insurance.
If he was "asked to leave" the Memory Care for the aggressive incidents most will require a period of time with no aggression before they will accept him as a resident. Some are 90 days. It is something you should ask when looking for a facility.
It sounds like it may be getting to the point where it is not safe for you to care for him at home.
Please read and consider the suggestions that will be given in this forum. There HAS to be a way for you to be safe. You are NOT safe now. If you were to call 911 the next time he acts out, prepare yourself to be pressured/bullied by the hospital into taking him back home afterwards, absurd though that is. This is where you become insistent that you canNOT take him back home.
Please keep us updated. We can be your cheerleaders along the way.
Your spouse belongs in a facility. He needs good meds to control his physical aggression.
The next time he acts out, call 911. Have him hospitalized as he is a danger to himself and you. Refuse to take him home.
Just keep saying "no" when they try to force your hand. Don't be polite.
Have you consulted an Elder Law attorney?
You say that you worked so hard for your retirement and that you feel like it has been robbed from you. Well, it has been, which has to be incredibly devastating for you.
You mentioned that your husband was in a memory care facility and that it didn’t work out due to his behavior and now you are having trouble dealing with him at home.
No caregiver will tolerate his abuse and nor should you. Please call 911 if you feel that you are in danger.
I wish I knew what the solution was for your problem. I don’t see how you will survive continuing to care for him. Who have you spoken to about this? What do his doctors recommend for him and you as his caregiver?
Has he tried different medications to calm his aggression? Did the memory care facility have any recommendations for you?
I know that I wasn’t any help to you regarding a solution for your situation but I wanted to say that I feel for you and I hope that this will end soon so you can resume your life in peace.
Please stick around because many people post on this forum and hopefully someone will be able to offer a solution to your awful situation.
Is it possible for him to become a ward of the state? Does he have mental illness along with his Alzheimer’s disease? Could he be placed in a psychiatric facility?