What is your screaming point?

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What is your screaming point?

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My mother tries my patience on a good day but I usually manage to stay calm....failing that I go to my car or garage and scream
Today is a scream day. Firstly she doesnt want me to go out this afternoon for something I have had planned for 6 months. I will be out 90 minutes and providing she goes to the toilet before I go and they lays on the bed no harm can come to her.

So 10 minutes after me reminding her we were having lunch at lunchtime she decided to soil herself royally, followed by the words you cant go out if I am like this all day. Now if she hadnt added those words they would have come to me all on my own but BECAUSE she added them I started to wonder.

Then she said she felt sick and didnt want any lunch - but when I came in very quietly (OK yes I was spying) there she is stuffing her face with biscuits and cake which I leave by her side. She has been awake just over 4 hours and I have been in to speak to her chat wash clean her soiling clean the room 14 times which I think is pushing your luck really.

So what has she just done? Asked for coffee so I made her a latte just as she likes it and she now wants sugar in it - has NEVER taken sugar in anything. Then there was too much coffee in the cup - its dispensed mum it is always that amount.....well its too much Ive always thought so

I could see her fidgeting so I said lets get you across to the commode mum. I dont need to go there ...well I think you do... wasnt gonna happen. I came back in 5 minutes later and despite her reluctance I got her up and here we go again she wet and soiled herself in front of me. You wont be able to go out this afternoon you'll have to ring and cancel.

As I count 1 to 10 and find it needs to be 100000000000 I count to now.
Hmmmm OK lets try my theory. I went out of the room and 'made' a phone call. I know she could hear what I was saying because I was stood right by the door and I spoke louder than usual. When I finished my call, I waited a while then went back in. And what did she say. I feel much better now you could have gone after all

I havent told her yet but I havent cancelled I spoke to the phone not to anyone the other end so at 5pm I AM GOING OUT SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

Whats your screaming point?

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Today my mother who can stand and walk was getting on the toilet and decided I should lift her ..she said lift me ..I said I have Psoratic arthritis and I I'm on meds and you can stand and walk ..stand up and she smacked me in the face ,..lovely ,,I'm a rehab nurse too I turned her wheelchair out of the bathroom and told her to get I. Bed she yelled I was trying to kill her ...I
She got up and got in bed ....

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Ohmeowzer sounds like you are getting verbally & physically abused. A slap & the trauma, not good. Be careful.

My brother's behavior, with me, from day 1 has been a concern. I was told it wouldn't change, worsen if anything. As the disease has progressed it's still unpredictable. I hear, "No," to requests or am ignored. Everything is "Ouch," in helping him. He isn't like a terrible 2 toddler, more like a unruly teenager. I watch 24/7 when I am helping him. Outings alone & me transporting him is a challenge to be avoided.

What do we do with behavior concerns? Most of us keep trying to manage it, remind ourselves of our learnings. Anything can happen quickly, a surprise attack, cause we are trusting still. We must be on guard. We hate the thought of over meds even if suggested by professionals. We hear & know the reality, facilities won't put staff & other patients at risk. I get it, meanies are a concern, no matter the reason.

Try to remember to not respond to verbal outbursts; ignore them, walk away, don't give ammunition. If you are assisting be on your guard, as much as you can, if need be a time out is ok, anything will be waiting for you. You won't win battles.

Caregivers seem to be forgotten about. I know others wonder why we keep on keeping on? That's another topic. Stay safe & take care of you. Blessings 🌸

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Today's screaming point, fighting me on everything that has to do with cleanliness. I'm a paid caregiver and it is my job to not only take care of her, but the household chores as well. She believes it's ok to wear clothes five and six times before washing, use and reuse washcloths that have lord knows what all over them, thinks it's fine to just rinse out a glass and not wash it , and would never wash her hands if it weren't for constant reminders. I have to gear up for a tantrum when I suggest that I should do laundry. You would think I was asking her if it would be alright to start a meth lab in her basement. Sorry for the rant, but the more we try to keep her clean and healthy, the more fighting that occurs. Her family tells it to her like it is, but they're allowed, we obviously are not. They also know how she is and have our back. It's just that her habits lead to UTIs and just a general feeling of yuck for everyone else.

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I would choose your battles. Obviously hand and genital area are essential but i wouldn't worry too much about rinsing and reusing the glass as long as it is for her own use.
As far as changing clothes is concerned, realistically how dirty do they get? Replace her underwear when she takes them off at night but as far as the rest are concerned as long as they don't smell and not visibly soiled let her be. Put out a clean washcloth identical to the one she has used and screw it up and ;eave in the same place she tossed hers.
Not too much you can do about potential UTIs as long as she is cleaning her self after suing the bathroom. She probably wipes from back to front. Perhaps the family would install a bidet. she might actually enjoy having warm water squirted on her privates.
She obviously does not listen to anyone as you say the family tells it to her like it is. Don't ask her about the laundry just pick it up and do it. Let her rant but don't join in. Just walk away and do the task.
Alternative find another job, there are plenty out there for good caregivers.

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Good suggestions, just not feasible in this type of situation. Her clothing does get visibly soiled from spilled food, bathroom mishaps, etc..Visitors do have to use glasses, silverware etc. She has physically handled other people's food, glasses and plates (trying to help) after having her fingers in her nose. That puts not just herself, but others at risk. As just an employee, although I would love to just take charge and do it, it sends her into what almost looks like a full blown panic attack. She had accused me of making her feel like she is dirty because I wanted to do some very basic things around the house., such as running the vacuum. Again, as an employee, my hands are somewhat tied. I just would never want the company or family thinking that it is laziness on our part. I prefer going into the bathroom with her so I can remind her about proper wiping or do it for her, while following her yesterday, she slammed the door in my face. You're right though, we must choose our battles, I'm just trying to keep her (and us) clean and reasonably healthy.

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Agreed, Thisishard. When you're a hired caregiver, you're held to a higher standard. I can already hear the criticism if you let things slip. You have my sympathy for having a difficult client.

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I love Veronica's suggestion about replacing soiled items with exact replicas, but since only family does the shopping and has access to money, there are no duplicates of anything. The kicker is, for everything important that she forgets, she can remember what color towel she has been using and gets upset if she finds out it's been put into the laundry basket. Good luck to us all today. I'm thinking of you all.

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Ohhhh these parents! So frustrating.

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How did things work out? Did you get to go out?

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How do you deal with your own negative responses to the actions of a loved one with dementia? I know they can't help it in my head but then at times I react negatively out of frustration and being overly tired and then I feel guilty and negative toward myself.

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Maria,
This must be the most challenging situation (caregiving a dementia sufferer) that I can think of. It would try the patience of Job.

It's normal to feel anger and frustration (especially at the end of the day). It's how you handle it that matters. I've tried to remain calm, doesn't work when she's screaming at the top of her lungs that I'm trying to kill her. I've tried "stuffing" my feelings but that doesn't work when she insists on pulling her pj's and diaper off and is peeing on the floor. I use the intellectual approach (their brain is broken) but it backfires on me when she throws her sandwich at me and screams and shakes her fists in my face. All my resolve is lost as the night time pills go shooting out of her mouth, across the dining room table, hitting the wine bottle. (Time for another glass of Cabernet-for me!) I just can't answer the same 5 questions 50 times a day (each) without it getting on my last nerve.

We're only human. Check out the previous posts for some good screaming locations. My bed pillow works for me.
Good luck. 😕

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Today's screaming point is having the woman I work for be so nice and loving to everyone else but me. I don't need the loving part, but I'm tired of her nastiness. Everyone else is called "honey" and she has such kind words for them, but she talks to me like a dog. A new girl recently started to work there and so far in two weeks, she has called in once, left early once (leaving before someone could come in to cover her shift) and has been late twice that I know of. While discussing this with her family member, she screamed at the top of her lungs that she thinks I just don't like her and she's a sweet girl who needs this job. Ummmm, she must not need it too badly since her work ethic is the pits. Also, I need my job too, otherwise, I wouldn't subject myself to this abuse for crappy pay. If I could chalk it up to dementia, I would have an easier time. Her daughter has said that the more you do for her, the worse she treats you and this is the way she's always been. She may be stuck because she is her mother, but I am not. Dementia or not, as soon as another position becomes available, I'm out of there and her and the sweet girl can live happily ever after. I feel a scream coming on, thanks for "listening" and good luck to all of us.

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My Aunt comes down the hall in her wheelchair and says the tall thin woman STOLD my underpants!!!!grrrr I have to leave really!!!! See Nobody has a name but me !!I said "oh Auntie no way does a young 23 year ,old want your used old lady pantys"!!....lolhahaha!!!grrrr !!so then I have to go on the hunt ,because my aunt has hidden all her underwear! This happens with all her favorite things ,toothbrush,dental floss, watch ,wallet,her pictures ,she'll hide all her stuff ,forget she hid it and accuse us of stealing it ...IT'S funny! but aggravating ,after a whole week of it ...

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My screaming point, was my mom never slept! Made me less tolerant, an wanted to scream! If it would have changed anything, l supose, l could have screamed!

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So sorry to hear what happened. I just found this forum because I needed to scream myself. I didn't want the neighbors to come running. I thought about taking a drive and screaming while I was driving. I settled on taking a brisk walk, but checking first to see if I could find some support on the web. I don't know if my question registered, though because I hadn't created my account before typing my "question." My screaming point is when EVERY DAY there is something new to be upset about that I had never considered before. Friday, it was when I arrived at my mother's home and found that the home health aide had gone through my things (that I had labeled as MY STUFF) and had torn up the boxes that I had saved to organize things in my garage. Today, my mother told me that she had sent the Meals on Wheels guy, who was trying to deliver food, because she thought she already had enough food. (Friday, I purposely arranged the freezer so there would be plenty of room for him to put the food in.) These problems don't seem so bad after hearing your story, but I did find my screaming point. I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are developing strategies.

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This is what happens when you post before proofreading. I meant to say that my mother sent the Meals on Wheels guy AWAY.

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My mother does the same except she really outdoes herself when we used to plan vacations and tell her ahead of time. The week to ten days before would be brutal, she would be so mean and nasty, we had people to care for her in our absence. It got to the point we wouldn’t tell her till closer to the day we were to leave, didn’t stop her but lessened the days I had to listen to her rant on and yell at me. She doesn’t get that she had her time with hubby and family to vacation etc, it is only supposed to be about her. They really do revert to child like behavior. Go and do the thing you planned, she’ll be just as nasty when you get home, lol

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I feel like screaming when I realize there is no possibility of a break on the horizon. If I could just go away for 2 or 3 days and try to remember who I was. Or even one day. I usually just sink into more depression. Maybe it would be better to actually scream out loud.

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Chandraclaws,
You may not be able to physically get away but you can mentally take a break.
Put this heading in the search box;
If you could escape your caregiving duties, where would you go?

Then lock yourself in your room for a few minutes, close your eyes and "go" where you desire.

No, it's not the same as going but it's a good diversion. Bon voyage.

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One more day of raking snow off the roof, 4 inch per day snowfall, and single digit temps.......Can’t decide between primal screaming or just a few hours of gently weeping.

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SueC,
Thanks for that suggestion. I guess you could make all the choices on that trip. . .

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Society worries so much about elder abuse but they are allowed to abuse the crap out of their family members. This is abuse and it must stop!!!!!! There are so many of you that are going way beyond the call of duty (pun intended) only to be treated like crap - when are we going to be protected? Why does no one care about us? I'm so sick and tired of this. People will say they had to put up with us when we were children. But it's very different. First of all the pooping bit can last for a lot longer and they have way more control over it and can be way more manipulative with it. Also it's much harder to change the diaper of a 200 lb adult than a 20 lb child. The power structure is also much different especially if it's a parent/child relationship. This needs to stop!!!!! The elderly need to be held accountable for their behavior. And I'm not talking about those with dementia or Alzheimer's.

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My screaming point is when I walk into the guest bath. The toilet has not been flushed and there is poop all over the seat and the floor.

If I didn’t say something, my mom would never bathe, wash her hair, wash her hands, or take her meds. At this point I have to help her do this, but before I got involved in her personal care, she rarely bathed or washed her hair. Now her scalp is in such a mess I don’t know if I will ever get it cleaned up. It’s embarrassing. I have to fight her to get her clean - every single time. And every single time she tells me she doesn’t feel like taking a bath. That’s her excuse when she doesn’t want to do something.

She has a bad cold now with a bad cough and I gave her some decongestant cough medicine earlier in the day. I wanted to give her another dose at bedtime. She took the cup in her hand and set it on the nightstand. I said “go ahead and take it”. She said “I will when you leave.” To which I responded “I’ll leave when you take it”. She says “I don’t have to do what you tell me”.

I lost it!!! Here my husband and I have opened up our home to her and doing our best to take care of her and she acts like we are always trying to poison her.

Of course there are many, many things that led up to this episode, but it was the proverbial last straw!!

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Princess blue, sounds like my mom. If I purchase food from a restaurant, she licks the plate. When I cook, she asks what do you have and barely taste it. She used to throw my sister’s food in the trash when she thought my sister was not looking at her. Today I was in my bedroom on the computer and she did not want to be in the living room alone watching the tv. We watch tv every day of the week in the morning and on the weekends I am not interested in doing so. Well, she started talking to herself very loudly and next she was at my door yelling nonsense. I asked her to quiet down to no avail. That is until I told that if she continued I would dial 911 and have them take her to the hospital where she would be given medication to quiet her. That did the trick. I constantly hear that she paid for my private school meaning it is my unquestionable duty to look after her. 24/7. I recently retired and this is another job and frankly don’t think I can survive. Depression can easily take hold of me.

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Celmira, I can't have my mom live with me for similar reasons, perhaps you can't either, after all? Any other options? What a shame to be stuck with someone so mean to you after you finally got to retire and could have a new life.... is this a life?

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Screaming point is now. All the time.

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The point when you loose a shred of hope you'd been building up for months. Maybe this is getting...not better...but manageable.

Then not.

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When for the 30th time my dad feels a need to explain to me how to reconcile his check book. Sounds silly, but he talks down to me about everything and argues with me sternly if I try to explain something to him. At 94 his mind is too good and his legs are near done. He is too able to defend his intellect but too weak to do the daily activities and can't trust me and give up control. After running around all day (I visit from 1000 miles away several times a year) to take him to doctors visits, buy household things, etc - he argues with me about paperwork I prepared for him. I lost it and said some nasty things.

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I can't scream.... I just want to run away and stay away.... oh but wait.... this is MY home. It doesn't feel like it anymore.

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Hey guys, several of you sound like you're DONE, really DONE.... is it time to move to the next place? What IS the next place for your LO?

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What is your screaming point?

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