What is your screaming point?

Actually, for the one hour and ten minutes I have been awake, I am actually happy. My sliding glass door is partially open and I am listening to the winds blowing the trees all around... I love it!!!

And I am chuckling as yesterday, I actually said "No." in a calm voice and continued on with what I was doing. And here is the rest of the story....

So, I have not been speaking to my mother for 5 days now (other than a Good Morning this morning), and leaving the "Do NOT bother me" sign on my door.

Yesterday, as I am madly going through a cleaning/straightening streak in my bedroom/office which has been a disaster for a very long time, my mother shows up in front of my closed sliding glass door, mouthing words I cannot hear. So I open the door and she asked do I have a few minutes to talk to her..... I pause, look around the "everything strewn everywhere", the full garbage bag of shredded paperwork, and I turned back and said "No, I don't have time." and closed the door and continued on.

And more of the rest of the story, 5 days ago was her 93rd birthday, I had reserved a table for 6, for mom, me, and 2 granddaughters and their boyfriends. But of course, mom was not ready when I got home to pick her up, was in our one bathroom, spraying a full can or two hair spray which immediately started choking me up... and yelled at me "Don't make my day any worse than it has been!" [Oh my gosh, what??? watching TV, playing the computer game, playing with her 2 adorable and sweet dogs ]. to which I turned around raced out back to the car and waited another 20 minutes. She enters the car, stinking to high heaven of hairspray and I roll down all the windows and drive (race?!) to the restaurant 15 minutes away, and everyone has been waiting almost a half hour for her, and I let her out ( just a few steps to the outside tables where everyone is), and...... wait for it..... I drove back home, fed the dogs, fed the cats, opened the bathroom window (it still reeked), loaded up with food items, a big glass of wine, went to my room, made signs for the door and the sliding glass door which said "Do not bother me.", closed and locked both doors and pulled the curtains of the sliding glass door, settled into bed with my computer and Netflix and had a great time!!! Meanwhile, the one daughter accused me of being "SH*%$Y" and has not talked to me since, and I have not spoken to my mother since. [Of course, my mother over the past how many years, has talked negatively about each one of my kids -and everyone else in the family - to me, for which I let her know clearly she is NOT allowed to do, and that I will not listen.]

And, in 4 days, I get to fly to visit one of my dear friends for 5 days, so I will not be having any conversations with her before I go, either! BECAUSE, mother has no empathy (no one with NPD does) and can NOT be happy for anyone, so I totally won't let her spoil my enjoyment anticipating my trip!!! Yes, today I am happy!

I don’t scream, I rage. My plan to place someone in a facility would have started that day. My problem is my narcissist father and I haven’t moved on him, I’m thinking it through. He has been a monster since he was a kid.

Mally1, well, I am enroute to visiting my friend. I woke my mother this morning and gave her a hug and told her I love her and she said have a safe trip. So, my decision-making is postponed till at least a week. But on the way to the airport, my daughter who lives with me too with her boyfriend some of the time and some of the time at their place :) .... talked with me about Mom and how the both of them are worried about Grandma's behavior, too, about how she just becomes unglued and "stalking" at both of my doors.... so, who knows, but for now, I am just postponing decision-making. My daughter and her boyfriend are so supportive and helpful.... thank Heavens for them!

I can so relate to this story, in that my husband is so sneaky about things every day. I plan to ask about that at my next support group. How can someone who cannot remember his daughter's name of is she visited the day before, be so deceptive and manipulative. As soon as I walk out of the room he doe something that we may have just talked about such as lighting up a short cigarette he has hidden in a pocket, ( he has always smoked outside-always). Or feeding our dog things that can make him sick, or going into the kitchen and pouring beer into the water in his water bottle, or then hiding a beer in the elastic band of his sweat pants. I had been letting him have a1/2 glass when he asked for it but I removed the entire case because he drank three in about two hours and became unmanageable. Won't buy again. I just do not tell him that I am going out, but I always make sure either my son or a respite caregiver has been arranged, though my grant money will be gone in a few months. It is such a horrid journey.

Doesn’t want me to socialize with the neighbors at all. When neighbor comes over she will cry and shake and later ask me to tell her not to come over because it’s just too upsetting. Then the second I leave I find that she was standing on front porch waving same neighbor back over to chat.

Good ending.... but She is getting away with murder....
Peace

My screaming point? Ten minutes into a conversation (if you want to call it a conversation) with Mom. Nonstop complaining pity party. I can handle her total self-absorption. I can handle her amnesia and disordered thinking. But the complaining? Nope. That's why I don't call her much.

I pray for grace. I pray for patience.

Another screaming point: when she badgers me with personal remarks she knows will upset me. Yes she has dementia. Yes, her brain is broken. So why does it feel deliberate?

I'm dealing with my husband who has dementia. I hate to say it but sometimes I lash out and say something to him, most times I take it and go talk it out with my cats. This is a horrible disease for both patient and caretaker.

K2- Hang in there. Will be praying for your. It is a horrible disease for patient and loved ones.

Mom throwing food in the toilet. Just bought new toilet. Screaming as im typing. Cant take another day. I give up.

Sorry Robinson1958,
I feel your frustration.
I wish there was something to say to fix it.

Maybe a screen in the toilet?
Toilet lid locks (they have them for little kids).

Take a deep breath, have a nice glass of cab, put on your favorite music, say a prayer and remember
tomorrow is another day.

Bless you.

Hurray for you 🍷👍

Dear Robinson,

I'm so sorry, I know how frustrating it can be. Please know we are with you and understand.

Hope things are better. Thinking of you.

As caregivers we stop allowing ourselves to be human...We are super heros because many of us balance families and even careers as we care for our loved ones....On one of my days of wanting to scream, cry, and curse all at once for something that sounds oddly similar to your story...a friend complimented me on taking care of mother...Of course at that moment I didn't feel very complimentary but she told me that I was a good person for taking on such a huge responsibility because I just was and not because of how it made me feel sometimes...

Screaming point are all the folks who do f@# all, but cause drama and
then heap on advice, criticism, etc. Yes, my father encourages the dramz
with his incessant gossip, but wth?? Are you going to take the daily phone calls
about his bms, and various lost items, health crisis etc. Either show up daily to
pitch in or just shut the heck up

Bettina, I'm not sure I fully understand your answer, but love the last sentence, "either show up daily to pitch in or shut the heck up." That addresses my latest screaming point. Everyone wants to come to the party, but no one wants to do the work. Soooooooo aggravating.

sunnydayclouds, Yes! My Dad likes to gossip, play the victim, (I think he'd like me
to just live under his bed!) and folks add fuel to the fire by criticizing me and treating
him like a victim. For example, on one hospital visit, I basically lived at the hospital
as he was in ICU for weeks. He also had to move into AL, so I had to coordinate a move, a stint in rehab, dealing with insurance, doctors, a couple incompetent RN's that almost cost him his life, yadda yadda. Although a few folks made the trek out for short visit, they did nothing but chat. Yet they felt they could chide me for "finally showing up!?" It was surreal. I was basically jogging down the hospital corridors trying to catch
dr's, surgeons, etc eating out of vending machines, coordinating a move of 20 years of
hoarded stuff and I was either scolded or asked how I was enjoying my vacation??!!

Since my Dad feeds off drama, absolutely adores being the center of attention, he'd
never correct them. Perhaps even complaining that I was loafing. I seriously injured
my back transferring him during this time of "loafing". It was honestly really insulting.
Screaming point for sure!

"Ya hadda be there", and they weren't, so they will never believe you (how aggravating!) and never appreciate you. Now, if he's in AL, maybe you can sit back awhile and see who comes to see him and does what for him.... it will all become self evident. Vindication? Not likely, but who knows? LOL

Bettina and Mally1 No one could EVER know what's involved when you're the one doing everything. I could never have dreamed what "everything" entailed. There's a new surprise every day -- things that have to be taken care of that you would never have dreamed would be necessary. Thank goodness for this site so that we can at least share and get support from others who might be experiencing some of the same things.

@sunnydayclouds yes, I wish I'd known about this site years ago. It's crazy how
quickly it gets complicated. Incontinence issues alone could fill pages :/ . I feel
like my head is filled with facts I can never really use except for direct care or perhaps
speaking with other caregivers. I mean who really wants to talk about the pros and
cons of various brands of adult diapers?!

My screaming point was when my MIL who we care for and my hubby has DPOA for tells us that she is changing her doctor appointments and has instructed her doctors NOT to speak to us because we are liars. She has dementia and hubby is trying very hard to take care of her needs.
She pushes back hard which is understandable as she believes she should be in control even if she can't remember to bath...
She did cancel an appointment in which she was going to have her meds renewed because she wants a different doctor.
The screaming point?
I just went out to the woods and did a scream or two.
Then I came back in and called the clinic and got her meds extended.

Mine isn't a screaming point, just a sudden moment of realization that the relationship of caregivers and LO can be much like the co-dependence with those with addictions.... i.e. wanting to do the best by caregiving our LO's, but maybe not knowing when to let go, and let them be taken care of by others (i.e. nursing homes). I took care of my husband when he had cancer and then died at home.  And then I tried my best to take care of a 2nd husband through his bipolar and alcoholism, but barely was able to climb out of that hole 15 years ago. And although my mother is my mother, I cannot go through that type of co-dependency again.... and when the time comes, I pray I have the strength to have her go into a facility.

There are decent facilities. And if you're on top of care team, they will do a decent job.
And there can be good parts and not so good parts of any facility, even decent ones.
Makes sense to get on a wait list or two when time comes near.

And I agree with you Myownlife, it does seem like codependency to me too. Especially when caregiver starts neglecting his or her own health and only thinking about parent or
relative's care. You can literally kill yourself in caring for another. And even if you don't harm your health, you can leave your life unlived. I don't think any parent or LO would
want that for their child/LO. I think it's important to keep that in mind. Mentally unhealthy people on the other hand......Their demands for super care are unrealistic and
often inhumane. No point acquiescing to that.

When the facility tells me mother needs a medication refilled, I bring it and then they tell me ANOTHER medication needs refilling!!!!!

Can't they inventory all the medication at the same time? Aaaahhhh!

Again, it's not the mil, it's her son, my husband, that brings me to my screaming point. He is so insensitive when it comes to anyone but him.

Lostinthemix, I've lived with a number of family members who seem only sensitive
to their own needs. They lack empathy. Depending on how demanding or even
abusive they are, it's the hardest thing to deal with. I'm great in emergencies, can
handle crazy stress, but throw a person lacking empathy into the mix, I start to shut
down.

Honestly, my scream moments have to do with family members. Everyone has heard it all before… When there is money involved, people who didn’t come around much in the past suddenly start coming around a lot more. They want to “visit“. This means that my home is a revolving door with visitors coming and going constantly. I like the visitors who come and bring food. A lot of them bring food even for us the family. But a lot of people come and just hang out, look at their iPhones, and never really talk to my mom. But they seem to just want to be there, as if to stay in the loop. I’m not a mind-reader, but I often get a gut instinct that’s dead on. I feel that some of the visitors are attempting to stay close enough to “pick the bones of the dead”. When we first started with hospice, the chaplain warned me of the “vultures”. He said every family has them and to watch out for them and not to be afraid of setting very clear strong boundaries with people like this. But I have to say, I’m already in the hot seat and I’m an easy target for blame and resentment because I am my mothers power of attorney etc. It’s so interesting to me how people who feel guilty, sooth their guilt with resentment and blame, rather than trying to be of service to those who need it in such a precious and trying time of life.

If your at the screaming point you need help ASAP. You are at code RED.
If you get sick, have a nervous breakdown, heart attack or stroke, how can you be a caregiver? You are passed the point of needing help. STOP IT.
Get help. Call your county of aging. They have resources, call an agency, family members.
As for reminding your loved one you have an appointment, over and over don't. They obviously know how to manipulate you into not going. They are going to perseverate on it. I'd tell them after the temp care taker is there, and they are watching tv. Have that person say you will be right back. If they keep asking, have them redirect, change subject. Do an activity they can handle. A movie or something. Why tell them you are leaving to go somewhere knowing it gets them upset? Like toddlers, you get them redirected on something, then quietly leave.

lastwoman, I think that is essentially what I'm most often dealing with. Except
the vultures are far flung family or "friends" who don't really help but get
very very close very fast, and then start asking for "gifts" that they would like when he
dies. It's so weird and inappropriate and my dad goes along with it because he enjoys
their over the top flattery and gossip. They have caused so many problems over the years, and ironically he has dashed their hopes for quick pay out because he's living past
their expectations (I've been told so many times now how long he has to live, so bizarre)
I deal with their hostility and criticism and chaos from getting him riled up about one
untenable unsafe plan or activity or another. Or unsound investments. Being POA
can really suck.

I feel sad that people are like this. And often it's over pretty small amounts of money
or money that is clearly still needed for care. :/

My scream moments usually depend on my fatigue, but I am gradually finding ways to avoid the anger-not that I don't feel it, but I know now that his nighttime sundowning is the most frustrating, though him asking crazy questions about money and accusations of my spending HIS money is a close second. He is convinced that his retirement check should be all his money to spend as he chooses. I have shown him the computer list I have created of our monthly bills over and over, but he does not understand it. When he keeps getting out of bed, sure that he will be murdered in the night, or wants to be taken home, or "didn't get dinner", I struggle to stay calm, and well, sometimes I lose the battle. The buttons being pushed begin to turn red and my last nerve is so frayed.