My Aunt is my Grandmother's POA. Recently, she decided to move her from her own home to a nursing home. I do not feel as though my Aunt made the wrong decision, but she refused to tell any of the extended family members (i.e. the grandchildren) that she had made the move nor did she provide us with the name, address, or phone number to the facility so that we could call or come visit. My Grandmother has dementia, but she has been alert enough to recognize that nobody came to see her during her first weeks at the facility and to ask about other missing family members when she did see some of us. Now, my Aunt refuses to give out any information on my Grandmother's condition and the nursing home staff can only give information out to the POA or emergency contact unless the POA gives them permission.
I only want information like how fast are things progressing, is my Grandmother otherwise okay, and what would the doctors suggest that we do/say to help make her transition from living on her own to being in a nursing facility easier. My concern is that my Aunt may move my Grandmother again and decide not to tell us.
Is there anything that I can do?
I would choose to try honey here first and see what you catch. ;)
Remember above all of this that your aunt must be utterly wretched about placing her mother in a nursing home *anyway*, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it.
We have lots of forum members who have mixed feelings once it's happened, usually relief mixed with guilt in varying proportions; but very very few who aren't sad. Anyone who criticises or challenges your aunt needs to realise they are seriously kicking a woman when she's down.
What mostly happens when something like this is going on is that people attribute the very worst possible motives to the person in charge. You've done the exact opposite. You feel your aunt has been forced into this decision, feels awful about it, and is assuming that everyone else is going to think she's awful for doing it - even though you (at least) don't think any such thing.
What about writing her a letter? Thank her for everything she's done, tell her how highly you think of how she's carried out her POA responsibilities, and reassure her she will have your support for any decisions she feels are right for her mother.
Meanwhile, do what you can to make anyone who is upset and hurt because they felt excluded from information and decisions to calm down and shut up. What matters is your grandmother's welfare and what happens next. If they argue, remind them of the years of work to date and ask where they were then? Your aunt has acted properly; and she had no obligation to consult anyone. Besides - the more they argue now, the more they prove her point that if she'd tried to get a consensus before the move it would never have happened and your poor grandmother would still be struggling on without the care she now needs.
One more thing, I don't know if this applies: very often, a nursing home or memory care unit prefers friends and family members to stay away until the new resident has adjusted - interruptions to the routine can be a real setback for a person with dementia who was beginning to get used to the change. So it may be that your aunt was advised to discourage visitors at first, and of course the easiest way to do that is just to keep quiet about what's happening.
Then, give it all a chance to settle down. How often are you able to visit your grandmother? I doubt if your aunt would really move her from a place where she's comfortable and safe merely for a quiet life - it wouldn't work, anyway, because doing that would really set the cat among the pigeons; but besides, a person doesn't put that much dedication into doing the POA job properly for years and then mess it all up just to prove a point.
Blessed are the peacemakers! - I really hope the conflict will simmer down quickly, but don't get caught in the crossfire if they won't stop. Just focus on your grandmother while she's still able to appreciate your presence - she sounds a total sweetheart.
I keep telling my Aunt that all she has to do is tell us next time, but all she "hears" is people disapprove of her decision. I have been in tears all weekend because everyone is just mad and upset and refusing to talk or listen. I saw my Grandmother and she told me not to let it get to me because I am always free to come see her, but that just stresses me out more because if my Aunt moves her, I will not even be able to do that.
I'm sorry this is happening to your family. I appreciate what a stressful and hurtful situation it can be.
The first thing to say, specifically relating to your headline, is that the focus needs to be on your grandmother's rights rather than other family members' rights. It's her right to contact with her family that matters.
What information your aunt is obliged to share will depend on what your grandmother specified in the POA documentation; and often, unfortunately, it's "none." It's very normal for families to assume that everyone will continue to get along and co-operate; so that it's not so much that your grandmother wasn't interested in the rest of you as that she never imagined there'd be a problem.
Well, now there is. And it's a tricky one.
Do you think it's possible that your aunt has developed some sort of grudge or grievance towards the family? Was she your grandmother's primary caregiver for a long time before this move to the nursing home?