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It depends on you family dynamics, if the inlaws are close to your parents and have spent a lot time with them through the years it's totally different than if they are merely your sibling's spouses KWIM?
And if the discussions involve anything that would require a commitment of time or money from any of you then it's unfair to ask for commitments without including your sib's partners, because those decisions need to include everyone.
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Too many cooks spoil the broth. It's bad enough to get all the siblings to agree about care for your mother, never mind getting their SPOUSES on board too! I feel like the siblings should discuss the matter together, arrive at a decision and then let their spouses in on that decision afterward. The spouses votes don't count, technically, so why get them involved to begin with???????????

In a perfect world, everyone would be on the same page about AL/MC for mom. But reality often gets in the way of perfection.

I hope it all works out for you, that everyone agrees that your mom is best off in residential care.
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Carole, if you want family support in the future, it’s a good idea to include other family members in the discussions about what’s best. ‘Not your business’ isn’t a good way to start. ‘Tender-hearted’ ??

My suggestion would be to get close to a decision yourselves, then have a meeting to say ‘this is our current best option, do you have any other suggestions?’. Immediate family can still make the decision. Spouses live with the consequences of what’s decided- visiting, clearing out house, garden and selling, etc. I can see why they would prefer to be involved at some level.
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Carolelove1 Feb 2022
“Tender-hearted” i.e. emotionally rife; emotions running high; emotionally painful.
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I agree with you. Leave the in-laws out of decision making.
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