My mom has been living independently & was diagnosed with Afib a week ago & spent several days in the hospital. She has always had a strong personality…based on things I’ve read over the years I think she has AADHD, possibly bipolar, some OCD characteristics added with a touch of NPD and a hoarder lifestyle. She’s a night person & is highly critical of everything, especially today’s America, immigrants; her glass is always half empty. She’s surprised she’s still living & has wanted to be in heaven for the past 20 years but is not suicidal. We live on opposite coasts. She has no friends. She has only taken meds for HBP & glaucoma until last week. She has never wanted to take anything, wants no invasive procedures, distrusts most people. When unhappy, has outbursts of not so nice comments & is usually unapologetic about anything she says.
Last week she was feeling unwell, had been off & on for a few weeks. She went in to see her Dr. last week who had her transported to the hospital ER due to her heart rate. She was diagnosed with Afib & stayed in the hospital for several days. Since she lives alone they wanted to send her to rehab for 1-2 weeks. I had already scheduled trip to see her as I hadn’t seen her since Nov/2019 due to the pandemic. She didn’t want to go to rehab & was agitated. I bumped up my trip & went directly to the hospital from the airport where she was then discharged since I would be here for a couple of weeks. She left with 9 prescriptions (digoxin, cardizem, lasix, lisinopril, lopressor, xarelto, protonix, flonase, and latanoprost. They also prescribed Ambien but she refused to take it in the hospital so it wasn’t filled when she left. She didn’t like feeling dopey.) She takes 1 of each pill in the AM.
For years, I have been calling her twice a day, once in my morning & once in my evening to make sure she’s ok & to remind her about her eye drops at night. Over the past year, she has noticeably been more forgetful. She’ll ask the same question 2-3 times during our calls not recalling she already had done so but is pretty much able to carry on a conversation. Since I arrived & have been staying with her, other things are more noticeable. She has always wanted to go shopping, one of her favorite things, but now has no interest in going. Not new…She watches TV with the sound loud in the middle of the night, during the day and falls asleep having an abnormal wake/sleep schedule. She’s put off getting lab work done for over a year, so I don’t know if there are other medical issues. She lost her sense of smell/taste before Covid. Eating no longer brings her pleasure unless it’s sugary.
Yesterday she said she thinks she should go into a nursing home as ADLs? are too much for her. This from someone who doesn’t like to be touched along with her OCD traits (a lot of hand washing, any clothing that touches the floor must be rewashed, checking to make sure doors are locked, will only drink spring water and doesn’t want to consume anything in the last inch of a container due to heavy metals, etc. BUT isn’t too concerned with having piles of newspapers, magazines, mail (half unopened), plastic containers, tissue boxes, etc. gathering dust all around her space.)
Her remark about the nursing home surprised me since I thought she’d have to have more advanced senility in order for me to get her to go into one (her willingness). I don’t know if this is the best place for her, if there are other considerations I should consider that I don’t know about or how I should go about next steps. Given her personality, I fear she could be kicked out. She always rented rooms in other homes but the landlords have had to pretend they were selling their home so she’d move due to hoarding. She’s been in her own apartment home since Sep 2019 so I wouldn’t have to deal with the complaints. I do not have any signed authority but do make sure she has what she needs and insure rent, insurance, etc. are paid timely.
Any advice is appreciated.
If Mom would like to move she can still appoint you as her POA to act for her if she wishes. See an attorney with her. You can then help in placement.
However, if Mom doesn't want to move, her aging heart issues CHF and AF aren't reason to take her rights of choice from her, and no court will do that.
I would offer Mom help in choosing a place. I would likely myself not offer to be POA because that is a difficult duty to do for a rational and well person, let alone for one who is difficult and has mental issues. But up to you on whether to offer to do that for her or not.
Much of this, esp. the heart issues, is self limiting. At some point Mom will end up hospitalized and the social worker will contact you. They can often get you temporary guardianship if you wish to assume that role, and help you with placement if that is necessary.
I sure wish you luck as there is lots on your plate.
I moved my mom cross country from an AL in September. I had not realized dementia had started probably a year earlier… maybe 2 .. but she was good at masking it.. I tried numerous times to get my mom to move. It was pulling teeth to get her to move into an AL the first time.
it was the hardest thing I had to do.. .. I wish I could have done it sooner.. she may have been more physically capable.
I found an AL that had memory care, they said if she they find she didn’t belong there , we would move her to AL .. she belonged there..
I flew out , boxed what she had to have and some that she couldn’t let go of… believe me that was pulling teeth both times I moved her …( rocks from a camping trip ) made it to the AL , sat under the chair side table because the room was wall to wall of stuff…
I sent 13 boxes UPS , booked us airfare, and moved her. Emptied her AL. … It was hard.. my mom had NO stamina, The flight was awful , as our flight with first class arrangements was cancelled just before boarding. No flights available that day, rebooked on another airline for next day, another night in a hotel .. the hotel the airline arranged had no handicap room …that hotel kindly found us a nice hotel to take our voucher.. but meant another Uber trip..
got to the airport to check in, flight was canceled… I could have cried … the agent wasn’t very sympathetic, but got us back to the first airline… with difficulty..
But her new place was nice and she so needed to be moved…
I wish you good fortune if you take on this task…
I agree with you also that the ongoing mental issues whatever they are aren't the crucial problem here.
Is it too late to reconsider her refusal of rehab? If she thinks she ought to go to a Nursing Home, this would at least be a good opportunity for a full and realistic needs assessment; it would also give her a bit longer to see how she feels once her new complete px has had a chance to kick in.
How long since she got home, and how long are you staying?
Repetition, fear and paranoia are symptoms.
You could ask her doc to have her checked for that.