My only living relative in the US, my son, who cut my hair every 5-6 weeks and allowed me to grocery shop at the date & time that was good for him (I am disabled with a non-curable disease which is Diffuse Osteoarthritis...not the regular Osteoarthritis), suddenly out of the blue took me to court to get a court appointed Guardian to simply get rid of me to not have to do anything for me at all, and in the Request for Court Guardianship papers lied and thought that the Court would not check up on his claims, and the Court did. Well, after being interviewed and positively vetted by 4 Court appointed Therapists/Counselors/Social Workers in person & going through a battery of their tests, 1 on 1 interviews that lasted from 2 / 4 hours each, finally told the Presiding Judge that what my son had accused me of was bupkis...lies, & besides being in a state of severe pain almost constantly, my brain was as sharp as a tack, & they all were expecting a basket case, & found a person with a great sense of humor, a good & positive outlook even with the severe pain, did more on a daily basis that people with half of the disease I have, told the Judge to accelerate my status into the Medicaid LTC status (I already had Medicare and a lower level of Medicaid) so I could get a dedicated aide & nurse to do housekeeping, 5 day a week dinner delivery (I still like to cook from scratch on weekends, and my son always got a 3 to 4 day share of food that was better that in any restaurant that I made...no more of that, since that was just ONE of my hobbies was cooking ) help me with other things that are labor intensive with physical things due to the severity of the disease which could linger for 10-15 years or more. I am 68, had the disease which started as a pain in my lower back 21 years ago that would not go away, & then very slowly progressed to have my severe pain start at my neck & go all the way down to my toes. Had to declare full bankruptcy...lost almost everything except my Condo & car, all savings, & pensions I had to cash in to pay up front for all my medical bills until I finally got my 1st Disability check 9 years after the disease blessed me (It is caused by a DNA sequence fault or change & I had gone to the best specialist in the USA, & always got the same diagnosis...no stopping it, and no cure, and no one is even doing reseach on any kind of cure, & just keep taking and increasing all kinds of pain and other medications as you need. All by myself with only a good sized Medicare Check ( I had a 6 figure income ) now have a FICO score that is just under a steady 800.
Well, since my son lost so fast & so badly in court that he was embarrassed to all holy heck in front of everyone, scolded by the judge, & now does not even talk or face me in person...a very few short & curt emails for over a year, & he sends over his friends for some stuff he has here (I politely turn them away), which is noting he can not easily replace, like board games, very long term storm supplies & camping cooking stoves and fuel tanks (we live in Miami, FL) in a storm we would bunk together (he is in his 40's an not married and lives in the same Condo complex as I (!), but I have my Condo wrapped tight in accordion style Cat 5 shutters and can be inside for months.
I have no siblings...no family (even super extended) alive except for him, ( I have some distant cousions I met once in Europe when I was 10 years old & we never correspond or call )
Now my son has worked and still works (since he graduated from high school and moved to Miami to be with me to further his education / Masters degree & has worked since he was 20 years old for the same but a very successful non-profit which he is a co-founder which helps many nitch catagories of shunned people, & also teaches private and Civil professionals on how to handle & initially approach & care for them until they get proper help. If his work found out what he tried to do to me, fired for cause.
What should I do?
Let him have his board games and camping equipment. You have no use for them. A person with "a person with a great sense of humor, a good & positive outlook" would not deprive her son of his own belongings.
You may be deceiving yourself. It is not hard for a person who suffers a lot of pain to be much nastier than they think they are being. It is also not hard to be nicer in the interviews than a person might be on a day to day basis.
Leave things alone for a while and let things cool off. You may be able to form a new relationship based on friendship and mutual respect, but only if you show him some respect and kindness first.
He was also interviewed by the same court appointed Therapists and social workers to qualify his statements in the Court Guardianship papers he filed, and the said he was as close to exploding about many other things, and did not bring me up at all, and they told me that he was total nut case, and something happened to not the both of us, but to him, with me totally removed from whatever happended, but he would not discuss it.
They told me to stay away from him at all costs.
PS. Yes, I do get nasty, when absolutely no one is around, and I would rather do something myself than ask for help. He volunteered to do the pittance he did for me.
Do you want your son to lose his job and his livelihood? Why do you seem determined to seek revenge? Two wrongs don’t make a right. Give him his personal belongings back and stay out his employment. Are you willing to cut him out of your life and not have a relationship with him? What does your income and FICO score have to do with any of this either? And what Medicare check? You don’t get a check from Medicare. I really don’t think your son is the problem here.
Many parents never see that they are a huge burden on their children.
Thanks, Cali for explaining the other side of this situation.
I never want to see him again. The same therapists who vetted me tried to vet him, and their conclusion was that something else happened that did not involve me at all, and he was a ticking time bomb, who totally refused their suggestions to get therapy without me.
This pandemic has changed everything. People are isolated, losing their jobs, getting depressed, etc.
It appears you are only worried about your needs and not that of your son. He has no obligation to care for you. Maybe he gave you the best he could but it wasn’t good enough for you.
Leave him alone. Let him work things out on his own. People DO have REAL nervous breakdowns. It appears that you look down on him because of his mental issues. Inside of knocking him down, lift him up.
It appears you have tunnel vision and see only your own needs. Try a little tenderness. You have actually sought out opinions to support your own that having a nervous breakdown is not real and is a sign of weakness. It is not.
You said your son was gay in your old post and you’ve accepted that. Have you or are you lying to yourself? Why are you holding his belongings back from him? That is childish on your part.
Try to understand him. It’s not easy these days. He’s been honest in verbalizing his needs and feelings in reporting to his therapist. He has made the decision to step back for his own mental health. Respect that and don’t second guess him.
You’ve given him everything. That was your choice. What do you want from him now? Examine that because it’s clear that now you want gratitude from him or for him to behave in a way that he cannot. He doesn’t owe you anything. Be happy you gave him the tools to be independent- that’s the best you can do for him. A parent gives unconditionally not expecting anything back their child. It sounds like your son tried but again, it wasn’t good enough for you.
Let him go and find his own peace. Not yours. Both of you will feel better because of it.
The other thing that I know as sure as the sun comes up each morning is that our children don't owe us a dam' thing. They didn't ask to be born, while we made a positive decision to bring them into the world. We have a legal and moral obligation to raise and support our children and educate them into self-sufficiency. You certainly did that.
In addition to sounded disappointed, you sound somewhat resentful and almost vengeful. No, you can't get him fired for cause. It would be illegal for his firm to fire him for actions taken outside of his work life. The fact that you bring that up is surprising and concerning.
Your son thought that you needed more help than you had, and knew that HE couldn't provide that help. Perhaps trying to get you appointed a guardian was his was of trying to protect you.
It sounds like you guys have had a terrible misunderstanding. I hope that at some point you can sit down, perhaps with a dispassionate mediator and clear the air.
And yes, give him back his stuff.
I can see from the end of your post that you're making veiled threats against your son's employment about how he would get fired if they ever found out how he treated you. Your son doesn't owe you anything and not catering to you anymore does not mean he did anything wrong or abusive. Then you don't even allow your own son, and your only living relative to even get his stuff out the house? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. If you were my mother you'd quickly find yourself in the street if such threats veiled or not were made against my job, or if you decided you could just keep all my stuff. Be grateful that your son must be a kind and decent fellow because I would not be half as good to you as he is.
You raised your son; you say you were a wonderful Dad, and I believe you. But to continue to be a wonderful Dad quite honestly means to allow your son FREEDOM from you to make his own life. As BarbBrooklyn says, our kids become their own people with their own lives and a right to them.
I am so sad for all your pain, your disability. You enter the long line of people in need of care that is almost impossibly difficult to get in our country, perhaps in many countries. I am so sorry for all the problems you are suffering. But it is time to let your boy go. Having children isn't a trade "I care for you then you care for me". In some cultures it is just that, and in the 1800s it was more that for our own country as well; but it isn't now. Hard as that is, it is the world you have to negotiate now.
A strong and loving relationship with your son would see more loving care from him I believe. An adversarial relationship will see him moving farther and farther away from you; I know which I would choose. I wish you the very best. And again, I am so sorry.
Your son isn’t the problem here.
So long to those who are intelligent and can read and deduce what they have read, Thanks to those people.
You're probably one heck of a lot more effort to care for than you admit. I am truly, truly sorry for your pain. It no doubt affects how you see the world and probably slows you down.
Being unkind to your son when it sounds as if he simply realizes he cannot 'do' for you---is just sad.
My earlier post to you was just kind and kind of quiet. You didn't need to chew me out. Your pain is yours. And mine is mine. It's not a contest.
Let it (and all his stuff) go. Maybe then you can find peace.
So back at you...what do you want?
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