My brother has the POA for my father. My father is competent to make buying decisions with his money, in conjunction with someone who is fully competent. My father needs a number of things. He has told my brother about these things. My brother agrees but doesn't do anything! For example, my father has pants that don't quite fit and wants new ones. But a month later my brother has not done anything about this. My father complains to me. I can't say anything to my brother about this without my brother getting hostile towards me. I understand he has many time consuming responsibilities related to the POA (like paying my father's bills) but my brother doesn't work, nor does have to. My father gave my brother the POA. I want my father to be comfortable and that would be so easy to do but I can't do what he wants. Has anyone else had this kind of situation? Should I just be resigned that this will be the way it will be?
Cognitive decline happens gradually over time and often even close family don't recognize the signs until it becomes very apparent and undeniable that there's something amiss.
It took us a long time to recognize memory loss in my MIL. We couldn't figure out why she was telling each of her 3 sons a different version of the same story. Or how she could "lose her purse" or "have it stolen" literally every week.
Once when we visited her in LTC, she had just gotten off the phone with one of her out-of-town sons. She hung up and then we asked her how "Glen" is doing and she said he hasn't called in weeks.
If you want to provide pants for your Dad, you can. Maybe you will go there to find he was provided them by your brother. Sometimes the laundry service doesn't return the right clothes to the owners because their names weren't marked in them (this happens all the time in my MIL's facility). Just a thought.
NY daughter, if u have followed Lisa's story, her father really has no money. The brother is paying for the AL and before that Dads caregivers. So all brother is paying for is the AL and maybe toiletries Dad needs. There are no investments to handle or home to sell. Brothers wife has millions so that is where the money comes from.
I agree with stop allowing your Dad to pit you and brother against each other. Like said, tell him "sorry Dad, brother is your POA and you need to bug him. I cannot get involved or brother gets mad. You gave him the control and this who you deal with."
He KNOWS your brother is POA and that's who needs to order.
"Sorry dad, that's brother's department; he's your POA, not me."
I strongly suspect your dad sees shopping as "women's work".
Lisa is the one who stirs the pot with her brother. Not only does she stir it, she puts dynamite in it and blows it up.
Your father has been pitting you and your brother against each other for going on two years now.
Tell Dad that a. He talks to brother directly or b. That you have a family meeting with you, brother and him about specifically about what “buying decisions” are impacted.
Leave your brother alone.
Tell Dad to discuss this with your bro, his POA.
When Dad complains to you, redirect him.
Your Dad is becoming used to playing the two of you off one another in much the same way a 2-year -old plays his parents off one another when they are in disagreement.
As to small items, buy them for your Dad. You have a job and can well afford a pair of pants here and there.
If your father is still competent enough to make buying decisions for himself he does not need a POA to handle his finances.
Really, your brother doesn't have to do all that much as POA. Your father is in Assisted Living. So basically your brother writes a check once a month for his rent and service bill.
Lisa, I say this in the spirit of friendship. I speak plainly and do so with your best interests at heart.
You blow things out of proportion and make big drama deals when there is no reason to.
If your father needs new pants, talk to the director of the AL he lives at and tell them. You don't have access to his money they do. They will speak to your brother.
I don't believe the director of the assisted living place can buy things for my father that my father wants. I can buy him pants but I won't be reimbursed, nor do I want to for this purchase. I have bought him lots of other things too but he also wants other expensive things and he can afford it. All my brother needs to do is to sit down with my father for a couple of hours and decide what needs to be purchased and then order it. If I had the POA I would do that, And I work full time.
What bills does Dad have that can't be done in a day? Everything is practically covered at the AL. All he needs to pay for is maybe cable, internet and phone and you can bundle them under one bill. Occasionally some personal items have to be purchased.