What to do when you physically can't care for someone anymore?

Take me Home,
You have so far told us all the reasons our suggestions cannot work.
One is that you feel guilty. You are not a felon. Persons who should feel guilty are felons who purposely and with malice aforethought abuse people and take delight in their torment. The other G-word you really are looking for is GRIEF. You are grieving that Grandma seems to have only you and you are a human with limitations and have just run right into those limitations.
So that excuse is gone.
Then you say that the Son told you that you would be accused of elder abuse. Do you not understand that no grandchild on the face of the earth is responsible to care for a grandparent? If you don't I suggest you see an attorney to reassure yourself and have him bill the POA. Which is the Son. I suggest you tell the lying jerk that no, YOU cannot be accused of elder abuse because you CANNOT care for Grandma, but HE CAN BE because HE has a legal fiduciary responsibility of care, assigned to him by Grandma. HE is the one guilty of elder abuse. And abuse of YOU, but then that is beside the point.
You have excellent suggestions here. There IS grief. You didn't cause this problem and you cannot fix it, and sacrificing your life to it is YOUR OWN CHOICE at some point.
See an elder law attorney. Tell the Hospital Social Workers that you cannot and will not accept grandmother in your own home again because you are physically and mentally incapable of caring for her. Tell the "son" that he is under a legal fiduciary responsibility under the law to do as he was assigned to do, as he accepted the assignment to do. Tell the Social Worker to stop contacting you and start contacting the POA, the son.
Then stop answering your phone unless your attorney calls.
By the way, what are you being PAID to care for grandmother?
What contract of care did you make with her POA to care for her?
You can give us all the reasons that you cannot do anything we suggest. You can take grandmother into your home because you feel guilty or afraid. Or you can act for yourself and your own life, supporting grandma with visits, and let those responsible for her, who willingly accepted this responsiblity fulfill their duty. Again, the choice is completely yours. We can only tell you what WE would do. It is your life and your relatives and your circumstances and the ball is in your own court.
I wish you every good luck. I suggest the counseling of a licensed social worker in private counseling practice so that you can understand you limitations, your obligations, and your emotions in this matter, and can act in your own and your Grandma's best interests. You have been painted into this corner by someone else. Walk across the floor. Who cares if the finish gets ruined. Walk away. Time to make your own life.

NO, you do not take this women back. You have a Doctor to back you up that you cannot care for her. Let her remain in the hospital. If POA is uncooperative, then APS should be brought in. She is better off where she is.

You call the Social Worker at the hospital and tell them that you can not care for her any longer. You are pregnant and have cancer, you can't do it. That this woman has children and one controls her money. She needs a NH at this point and he needs to arrange it. If the hospial transport her to your home, you will refuse to let them enter. She has already exposed u to COVID. Your husband is a grandson not a son. Ask the SW to call APS. Your doctor has told family that you can't continue to care for this woman. They are endangering you and the child.

If SW won't call APS, you call APS and tell them what is going on. Maybe they can step in and tell the POA he must set up care for Mom in a NH and use grandmoms assets to fund it. If no assets, he needs to apply for Medicaid. If he is not willing to do any of this, then the State will step in and take over. That means they become her guardian and he will no longer be POA. The guardian will have control of her money.

If ur in Grandmom's house, time to think about leaving. POA may need to sell the house for grandmom's care. You will be so much better off if you make a clean break from this selfish family. Expecting grandchildren to do what the children should be doing. And saving their inheritance. Grandmom gets free care and you get nothing for your effort. Its a law that Live-in aides get room and board for free and are paid for the hours they work. They get time off. POA may give you a letter to vacate in a certain time. If you do not vacate, then he has to go to court to eviction. This will give you time to find a place but u really don't want an eviction on ur record. If you are living at grandmom's house, I would get a lawyer to protect u from this POA. If you can afford one, there is legal aide that charges by income.

Is this yours & DH's home & Grandma moved in?

Or Grandma's home & you moved in?

It does make a difference. Your home = you decide who stays.

Grandma's home - if this includes 2 other adults (you & your DH, her Grandson), & you provided her care, you are going to be under big big pressure to continue this arrangement (sensible though it is not).

I don't mean to be unkind, but wondering why it has taken until now, to this crises? Have discussions with Grandma or her POA son been happening these last months you knew cancer & a pregnancy was also in the picture?

I think I would call the hospital & ask for a meeting or call with their Social Worker. A new care plan is needed for Grandma. The SW can work this out with POA son. SW may also be able to assist the communication between POA son & you + DH.

So POA son is your FIL? What's his relationship with his son, your DH like? I can't get my head around your FIL wanting to increase risk to you, his daughter-in-law, about to bear his Grandchild..

I hate to ask, but is there a 'woman must serve' thing going on here?

Where IS you Husband in this? Is he speaking to his Father or is there communication problems there too?

Lol

If Son has the gall to tell you again that you will be charged with Elder Abuse, tell him to go right ahead. It’s rubbish, but it should lead to an investigation, into his behavior not yours.

Refuse to take GM back from the hospital. It is her Son’s business, as Son and POA, not yours. Say No to the hospital, and stop the conversation. It’s not your responsibility, not even to talk about it. The more you are willing to talk about it, the further into difficulty you will get.

If GM gets ‘dropped off’ at your place again, don’t let her in if that’s possible. If it happens anyway, get your husband, her grandson, to drop her off at her Son’s house or the house of Sister. If that can’t happen, just leave GM in bed and call APS. You cannot care for her, and she needs care. Once again, the more you do, the further into difficulty you will get. So do nothing!

Dropping a sick woman with Covid off at the home of a pregnant woman. That’s the worst thing I’ve heard of all week.

Stop worrying about Grandma and worry about yourself and your unborn baby. Put the bad people out of your mind completely, they are manipulating you. You have no obligation to any of these weasels. You won’t be charged with anything. They, however, might be able to be charged with something, so keep complete records, take pictures and don’t take responsibility for anything.

I wish you a healthy baby and a safe delivery. And that you don’t get Covid.

Do not take grandma back into your home. You will not be charged with elder abuse.

What a disgusting family you have especially grandma's son. Truly sickening. You need to take care of you and your baby. I hope to god your husband is supporting you in this.

These pieces of crap will get old one day and may try and get you to do more caregiving. Let this be a lesson so you never do this again. Ever. Just say no.

It's kind of the 11th & a half hour.. but to start taking responsibility for yourself & your needs now is good.

A care plan to &/or living arrangements has to work for BOTH parties.

What WAS the plan? Care provided for housing? If it no longer works, this is the time to cancel this deal & make changes.

To say Stop & No when you need to.

"Her son won't pay for a NH home, the hospital told me he's refusing".

Finding a Nursing Home or arranging paid care staff in-home are under the POA's responsibility.. but.. if YOU were providing 24/7 care for 24/7 housing..?

Communication is key.

While you have no actual power to make decisions on her behalf, I think that nevertheless you should put it in writing to the hospital social worker that she is an unsafe discharge to her prior residence as circumstances have changed and there is no one to care for her. Give the POA son's contact information and reiterate that he is not to return her to your address.

Do you live in her house? If so, you need to move out. If not, and they drop her off again, call the police and report elder abuse and give her son's name, phone, and address as her legal representative who is doing the abusing.

Obviously you know that G'ma refusing help other than you is a non-starter, so just ignore that. Wants and reality are two different things.

Please do not feel guilty. His family should feel guilty. They are being horrible! They have no right to dump this on you guys! Is she in the hospital now? If so, your husband needs to call and tell them they can NOT drop her off with you and that it's an unsafe discharge. If sister or anybody brings her to your door - don't open it. Tell everyone NO. They are ruining your life and your relationships with them. It's on THEM.

If anyone could be accused of elder abuse, I would think it's the POA son who is refusing to make arrangements and pay for the care of this poor woman.

Oh you poor thing! Her son is a real peach. You can NOT do any more care for her. Your in-laws are a bunch of selfish jerks. Next time she falls, call 911. Do not do ANYTHING that will hurt you or your baby. The risk to both of you is much too high. You and your hubby need to step back and let the chips fall where they may. It is the POAs responsibility. The POA is responsible for her, not you. Is your husband helping you? Is he supporting your lack of ability to care for HIS grandma? I'm sorry you are in such a mess! But it's time to get out NOW.

I don't think you can be charged with elder abuse. It is your husband's responsibility as POA, not yours.

Tell the Hospital that you cannot care for Grandma physically or mentally now and cannot accept her back into your home. Request a Social Worker right away and tell her that. Don't listen to such things as "we can help and we can make this work" because they cannot and they will not. Tell them it is not an option to return to your home and you cannot accept her back and that a nursing home must now be found for her. That you will require their services to find placement for her. Social Services will contact the son. He is the POA. They will work out with him the next steps. YOU stay out of it and step back, and if necessary refuse to answer your phone. Don't let ANYONE, family or medical make you take Grandma back into you home. Notify the POA/son that you are not taking grandma back now or ever again and that he has a LEGAL fiduciary duty to act now. But whether he does or he doesn't isn't up to you. Do not argue, do not discuss and do not explain. As I said, if necessary hang up. And take care of yourself. This is not your problem.
YOUR OBLIGATION now is to your family. It is a sacred obligation and it is where your mind must be engaged. I truly wish you the best.
I