Hello, I have been caring for my 87 year old grandma in law. I am currently 8 months pregnant on top of caring for her. Before I got pregnant caring for her was fine, but now that I have been pregnant I found out that I have cancer and I am immune compromised. I was life flighted to a hospital last month due to infections and the flu I also had a PIC line installed in me. They told me I could not lift anything and I should be on bed rest. I do live with my husband, who is her grandson. I explained to everyone that I could no longer lift her or take care of her like I use to, her family decided to take her to his sister's. After I came back from the hospital, in a week his sister came and just dropped her off here WIITH COVID. I called her family and explained that I can't lift her and I can't get her up they told me I could. Even tho my doctor's called her family and explained the situation to them, after 2 days of being here I called an ambulance bc she was lethargic and coughing to much. Found out it was COVID, she is now in the hospital and all of her family will not pick her up from there and her son who is POA is refusing to pay for a NH, or any type of in home care. She fell 4 times here the fourth time she fell on top of me bc I was trying to get her changed in the morning and we both lost our balance. I was trying for the two days she was here to get her dressed in the morning and do all the essentials that need done. Everytime I did I would go into contractions. I contacted the grandmother's daughter who is telling me that the only care she can receive is 4HR a week care. I don't believe that, bc she can not dress herself, she can't brush her hair, she can't walk, she's immobile. I feel so bad and I don't know what my options are, grandma is also refusing in home care other then me, she is constantly trying to get up when she was here and fell everytime. Her family will not even come over to help they all tell me they have lives and such. What can I do? Should I just leave her in the hospital as well? Can I get her into a NH?
You have so far told us all the reasons our suggestions cannot work.
One is that you feel guilty. You are not a felon. Persons who should feel guilty are felons who purposely and with malice aforethought abuse people and take delight in their torment. The other G-word you really are looking for is GRIEF. You are grieving that Grandma seems to have only you and you are a human with limitations and have just run right into those limitations.
So that excuse is gone.
Then you say that the Son told you that you would be accused of elder abuse. Do you not understand that no grandchild on the face of the earth is responsible to care for a grandparent? If you don't I suggest you see an attorney to reassure yourself and have him bill the POA. Which is the Son. I suggest you tell the lying jerk that no, YOU cannot be accused of elder abuse because you CANNOT care for Grandma, but HE CAN BE because HE has a legal fiduciary responsibility of care, assigned to him by Grandma. HE is the one guilty of elder abuse. And abuse of YOU, but then that is beside the point.
You have excellent suggestions here. There IS grief. You didn't cause this problem and you cannot fix it, and sacrificing your life to it is YOUR OWN CHOICE at some point.
See an elder law attorney. Tell the Hospital Social Workers that you cannot and will not accept grandmother in your own home again because you are physically and mentally incapable of caring for her. Tell the "son" that he is under a legal fiduciary responsibility under the law to do as he was assigned to do, as he accepted the assignment to do. Tell the Social Worker to stop contacting you and start contacting the POA, the son.
Then stop answering your phone unless your attorney calls.
By the way, what are you being PAID to care for grandmother?
What contract of care did you make with her POA to care for her?
You can give us all the reasons that you cannot do anything we suggest. You can take grandmother into your home because you feel guilty or afraid. Or you can act for yourself and your own life, supporting grandma with visits, and let those responsible for her, who willingly accepted this responsiblity fulfill their duty. Again, the choice is completely yours. We can only tell you what WE would do. It is your life and your relatives and your circumstances and the ball is in your own court.
I wish you every good luck. I suggest the counseling of a licensed social worker in private counseling practice so that you can understand you limitations, your obligations, and your emotions in this matter, and can act in your own and your Grandma's best interests. You have been painted into this corner by someone else. Walk across the floor. Who cares if the finish gets ruined. Walk away. Time to make your own life.
You call the Social Worker at the hospital and tell them that you can not care for her any longer. You are pregnant and have cancer, you can't do it. That this woman has children and one controls her money. She needs a NH at this point and he needs to arrange it. If the hospial transport her to your home, you will refuse to let them enter. She has already exposed u to COVID. Your husband is a grandson not a son. Ask the SW to call APS. Your doctor has told family that you can't continue to care for this woman. They are endangering you and the child.
If SW won't call APS, you call APS and tell them what is going on. Maybe they can step in and tell the POA he must set up care for Mom in a NH and use grandmoms assets to fund it. If no assets, he needs to apply for Medicaid. If he is not willing to do any of this, then the State will step in and take over. That means they become her guardian and he will no longer be POA. The guardian will have control of her money.
If ur in Grandmom's house, time to think about leaving. POA may need to sell the house for grandmom's care. You will be so much better off if you make a clean break from this selfish family. Expecting grandchildren to do what the children should be doing. And saving their inheritance. Grandmom gets free care and you get nothing for your effort. Its a law that Live-in aides get room and board for free and are paid for the hours they work. They get time off. POA may give you a letter to vacate in a certain time. If you do not vacate, then he has to go to court to eviction. This will give you time to find a place but u really don't want an eviction on ur record. If you are living at grandmom's house, I would get a lawyer to protect u from this POA. If you can afford one, there is legal aide that charges by income.
Or Grandma's home & you moved in?
It does make a difference. Your home = you decide who stays.
Grandma's home - if this includes 2 other adults (you & your DH, her Grandson), & you provided her care, you are going to be under big big pressure to continue this arrangement (sensible though it is not).
I don't mean to be unkind, but wondering why it has taken until now, to this crises? Have discussions with Grandma or her POA son been happening these last months you knew cancer & a pregnancy was also in the picture?
I think I would call the hospital & ask for a meeting or call with their Social Worker. A new care plan is needed for Grandma. The SW can work this out with POA son. SW may also be able to assist the communication between POA son & you + DH.
So POA son is your FIL? What's his relationship with his son, your DH like? I can't get my head around your FIL wanting to increase risk to you, his daughter-in-law, about to bear his Grandchild..
I hate to ask, but is there a 'woman must serve' thing going on here?
Where IS you Husband in this? Is he speaking to his Father or is there communication problems there too?
Refuse to take GM back from the hospital. It is her Son’s business, as Son and POA, not yours. Say No to the hospital, and stop the conversation. It’s not your responsibility, not even to talk about it. The more you are willing to talk about it, the further into difficulty you will get.
If GM gets ‘dropped off’ at your place again, don’t let her in if that’s possible. If it happens anyway, get your husband, her grandson, to drop her off at her Son’s house or the house of Sister. If that can’t happen, just leave GM in bed and call APS. You cannot care for her, and she needs care. Once again, the more you do, the further into difficulty you will get. So do nothing!
Seriously though, grandma probably doesn't want to be in a facility especially as long as she has you. The family probably feels the same way
Stop worrying about Grandma and worry about yourself and your unborn baby. Put the bad people out of your mind completely, they are manipulating you. You have no obligation to any of these weasels. You won’t be charged with anything. They, however, might be able to be charged with something, so keep complete records, take pictures and don’t take responsibility for anything.
I wish you a healthy baby and a safe delivery. And that you don’t get Covid.
What a disgusting family you have especially grandma's son. Truly sickening. You need to take care of you and your baby. I hope to god your husband is supporting you in this.
These pieces of crap will get old one day and may try and get you to do more caregiving. Let this be a lesson so you never do this again. Ever. Just say no.
A care plan to &/or living arrangements has to work for BOTH parties.
What WAS the plan? Care provided for housing? If it no longer works, this is the time to cancel this deal & make changes.
To say Stop & No when you need to.
"Her son won't pay for a NH home, the hospital told me he's refusing".
Finding a Nursing Home or arranging paid care staff in-home are under the POA's responsibility.. but.. if YOU were providing 24/7 care for 24/7 housing..?
Communication is key.
Do you live in her house? If so, you need to move out. If not, and they drop her off again, call the police and report elder abuse and give her son's name, phone, and address as her legal representative who is doing the abusing.
Obviously you know that G'ma refusing help other than you is a non-starter, so just ignore that. Wants and reality are two different things.
YOUR OBLIGATION now is to your family. It is a sacred obligation and it is where your mind must be engaged. I truly wish you the best.
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