What to say or do when mom refuses to stay long-term at a facility?
Mom is 87, has arthritis in both legs and hip she can walk very little but gets around in her wheelchair great. She is competent and is in a rehab/ nursing home facility. She has been in there almost her 21 day stay. She refuses to stay any longer and wants out. The problem is where is she going to live? She lived with me and my family for nine months, I was under alot of stress and so was my family. I could not eat and I was losing weight, because of stress of mom and family. So I asked her if she would stay with my sister in law or my (sister) bad decision for a while. Just to give us a break. My is sister is manic with depression and bipolar. She only stayed a week with sister. She got a UTI and sister took her the hospital thinking they could help mom with inconvenience and therapy. Sister lives in a smaller camper trailer, mom could not walk with her walker or go to the bathroom or shower. She yelled and cursed at mom so bad she would not go back to the camper with her. She told the Dr and nurses she couldn't go back, she is afraid of her. I called the hospital and told them that I wanted her placed in a rehab in the town that we live in so I could be in contact with her and her care. I love mother with all my heart we have always been so close and this tears my heart out. Moms keeps crying and asking me to come back and live with us. But I can't because of all the stress. She just doesn't understand!! I am trying to get her a low income apartment or something she can afford but there is waiting lists or all filled. I almost had her one that would have been great for her, but my sister ruined it for her. She called the manager multiple times wanting to live in with mom to be her caregiver. Mom, is capable of living alone right now, and does not want my sister to live with her. I can't make mom stay against her will. She has no one else to stay with. She can't live with my manic crazy sister, Lord only knows what could happen. She is still in possession of mom's car and her personal items that she will not bring to her. I don't know, I am at the end of my rope and it is unraveling! If anyone has had this problem or has a suggestion or solution please help!!!
"Moms keeps crying and asking me to come back and live with us. But I can't because of all the stress. She just doesn't understand!!"
IMO it's not that she doesn't understand, it's that she might have the beginnings of dementia. One thing that dementia takes away is a person's ability to have empathy for others. It also takes away their reason and logic. You may think your Mom is "competent" but if she took a MOCA test (for executive function) you might be shocked at how poorly she does.
You haven't mentioned if anyone is her PoA. If she doesn't have one and isn't willing or legally able to create one, then she becomes a ward of a court-assigned legal guardian. This is a solution you may want to (or have to) consider.
The rehab needs to know she doesn't have a place to go because you can no longer care for her and your sister is mentally ill and verbally abusive to her. You may want to consult with a social worker at the rehab facility to see what her options are.
I'm sorry for this distressing situation. There may be options (that are "least bad" solutions) but you will have to accept them as such.
These parents will eventually become too much to handle at home. Don't try to take this on alone. Please do not let false guilt trick you into bringing her back home. You do not need to upset your life and household to take care of your mom. I know that you love your mom, but please put this situation in proper perspective.
Sister sounds like she has untreated bipolar disorder going on. I would call APS and report a vulnerable adult. Let them handle this. With proper meds, your sister has a chance of some recovery. She should not live alone with mom.
Tell Rehab that Mom is UNSAFE DISCHARGE. Let them know about the crazy sister, especially the SW. They can help you find a safe place for Mom, with better care.
REFUSE to take Mom home, you cannot deal with Mom's care. Tell them you work and have a family. If she comes back in, you will never get her out. She needs experienced medical care.
Today I will pray for all caregivers and the elderly who are in flux. I will pray for them to find peace in their day and kind people wherever they may be. I will pray for them to not lose hope and to find a little joy in everyday. Also, for the nurses and aides who are so desperately needed to care for this population.
I'm sorry you are going through this but I do understand! Long story short, my dad spent time in rehab twice. He came home the first time and we hired people to help but it was not enough. He can longer walk or tend to personal needs and has a lot of health issues. I finally convinced him to go to a facility because he needs 24 hour care but there have still been times when I think he was trying to plot a way to come home because he would say he is in his right mind and can do what he wants plus I think friends of his were probably telling him he should be at home with me taking care of him but it was not and still is not possible. Maybe you can try touring some nice assisted living places with her. I feel your pain but please do not be hard on yourself. You tried and it was causing too much stress for you. It is a blessing that she is still able to stay alone. I wish you the best!
This is such an awful time of life. Our day to day lives are not set up for multi generational living/care. Everyone works and the kids are involved in so much. It is fast paced and not slowing down for those who cannot care for themselves. You cannot sacrifice your health so that your mom doesn't get upset. She has to go somewhere. Get in touch with a social worker and ask for help placing your mom somewhere. Your mom is almost 90 yrs old....her health and mental status can change on a dime. Think long term when finding somewhere for her to go, otherwise you're going to be doing this all over again in 6 months.