My siblings and I finally called APS to check on my parents. Our father, who has Alzheimers, is noncompliant, not taking his meds and is probably borderline personality disorder. He has been emotionally abusive his whole life, and our mom become massively depressed, panicked and suicidal. She was unable to act to save them and place him. APS came to the conclusion that our dad needs to be placed in memory care, and we all agree, including our mom. But obviously our dad won't go willingly. It will be an involuntary placement. We are now going to work with APS and a lawyer to move things along. I'm wondering if any of you have experienced involuntary placement and what that was like. I hate the idea of my dad being traumatized and my mom, too. Of course I will go down to take care of them during this transition (I live far away)/ It will be horrible for all of us. I'm hoping they don't use the cops, but even the medical transport would be involuntary. If you had to involuntarily place someone like this, how did it go? Any advice?

Right at the beginning of the pandemic, my mother was living independently but was severely declining. She is approx 70…I am in my 50s. She was sundowning….dangerously, she would drive hours from home until she ran out of gas and got picked up on the side of road by police. She was harassing her neighbors in the middle of the night, she was walking around neighborhood in various states of undressed. she was calling police on me, my family, my friends. She was verbally and physically abusive to me. She set her house on fire. APS got involved, FD got involved, police got involved. I repeatedly filed for ECO and TDO because I had no POA, no guardianship, nothing. Thankfully I live in a state where there is emergency medical proxy law. Finally the CSB got involved in conjunction with the police since APS and magistrate were not helpful, in addition to the courts being shut down. CSB issued a 30 day TDO and sent her to a state psychiatric facility 6 hours away. And due to pandemic I could not visit her as the hospital was shut down. And they would only allow release to a memory care unit. So without being able to visit anywhere, I had to arrange for a new place for her to live in a facility. The entire ordeal was a nightmare.

AND…it was an absolute godsend when that all finally happened. Yes they took her by police then ambulance, they transported her 6 hours away. But it was the only way.

but I was finally able to gain peace knowing my mom would be safe. she of course hates it. She never returned to her home. I had to clean it all out and sell it. 2years later she still insists she is in jail, and wants to know when she is getting out. which unfortunately I kind of go along with it. I tell her it is for her own good because she is safer now.

I would have rather had things go differently … but they didn’t. I will not lie..I have guilt over how it all happened. APS actually was the worst to me. They insisted that I should have either moved in with her (I have a family and a full time business that I run) or had her move in with me…which based on all the issues leading up to this, was never going to happen.

my point to you is that yes, you will feel guilt. I still do at times. But it is the best possible outcome. They are no longer able to properly care for themselves and if you are able to get the services needed to ensure both of their safety it will make you feel so much more secure knowing they are in good hands.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Emmagone
CTTN55 Aug 11, 2022
"APS actually was the worst to me. They insisted that I should have either moved in with her (I have a family and a full time business that I run) or had her move in with me…which based on all the issues leading up to this, was never going to happen."

Wow. I didn't know that APS was also going to try and guilt a relative into taking over the elder's care, much like the hospital discharge planners try to do.

Now I know to warn others about this, too. Thanks for sharing your experience!
They're lucky that you called APS for them. Someone needed to evaluate the situation and now you know what needs to be done. Of course, he will not like having to move, usually they don't.

Agree so much with MeDolly that we often have to make hard decisions caring for the elderly. Feels like everyday. But when they need to be cared for, then that's what they need, whether they like it or not.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to againx100

We recently moved our step-mother from AL to MC, can't say that she was happy, but she has adjusted. We moved her and did not visit for 3 weeks allowing her to settle in, we called a few times a week, she is doing ok now.

Unfortunately, sometimes we have to make hard decisions when it comes to caring for our elderly.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MeDolly

No one WANTS to move particularly to go to Memory Care or Skilled Nursing facilities. So many have been "involuntarily" placed.
Medications will reduce anxiety and may help.
Yes he will be pissed off.
He may say he hates you all.
BUT you are doing this for his own good, his safety as well as your mom's.
Discuss with the facility where he is going to be placed and ask them what they advise as far as easing transition.
I am wondering will they just place him or place him in the hospital to get him stabilized on medications first? You might want to ask next time you discuss with APS and lawyers. I think his doctor should be involved as well.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954
annari Jul 30, 2022
Thank you. I hope he is not restrained, even if he is sedated. I really feel for him. It's a nightmare.
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