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My Dad is now past a year. I find coming to this site has helped me in so many way before and after that I have post a note in my store to hand the burned out caregivers to this forum. My only experience with my Dad that had me laughing so hard was he called APS (Adult protective services ) to tell them that I am feeding him too much, I am finding help when he does not need any, he has everything he needs and I am hovering over. The APS told him that they wish all calls were his problem that he is a very blessed man at 91. A week later he told me with his head bowed down of the call he made, Told me he loved me. We both laughed so hard! I made him a British Pastie like his Mom did that weekend. He passed shorty after. So, our perception is so different from theirs. Just love them and do the best you can.
That is quite funny and cute! I bet APS had a good chuckle over that call, especially the part about feeding him too much! Funny too how he admitted to making the call, with his head hung down. Your dad must've been a peach to deal with!
Ann, the problem is that those suffering from a Dementia no longer can look at things that way you wrote. The become like children and it becomes all about them. It would be nice, though, if they understood what we do/did for them was out of love and respect.
I did enjoy the answers. Like I replied, my Mom would have said I was bossy.
My mom would say that too.....that im bossy. She told me that to my face not too long ago when i was trying to help her with some things. and far as i know now, theres no dementia. Shes 86 and has lost her filter in some respects tho.....mostly its funny but sometimes embarrassing 🤣🤣
'She thinks she knows everything, well I've been doing it this way ALL my life.' 'I'm 80 yrs old I've earned the right to do Nothin' or 'I'm going to sit on my butt and complain if I want to, I'm old I earned that right'
I can honestly say that after having cared for dependent family members off and on since I was 20, they’d probably say that I’d done what I felt was in their best interests, as kindly and humanely as possible.
I was expected to understand that dementia was a horrible, irreversible diagnosis that made victims of some of the strongest people I’d ever known, and that such victims were to be treated with respect and love, as they’d treated me before their illness stole them from me.
They’d say that they knew I’d attempt to move Heaven and Earth before doing something that caused them distress, and grieve with them if their dementia caused them to misinterpret my obligation to make a decision that in their confusion, they considered hurtful or harmful or unfair.
They’d say that they’d want me to remember them as they were when they were well and strong and independent, and be grateful that I could do that, even at their most dependent and most frail.
I suspect that although many of you, exhausted and worn out, may be thinking of yourselves as you have mentioned here, probably your relatives are or would be, if they were able, thinking and saying the same.
I'm over 80 and still care for myself but have been reading this to try to learn what I can do to help if/when I can no longer and the caregivers scare me. It's as if they don't know their parents are real people - someone with a real name and feelings just like they have. They have somehow reduced them into an old child who is difficult to manage. Maybe they have raised their own kids too recently and shift into that mode. Also I know from my own reaction when my parents were living that I did not understand or have a clue as to what it was like for them as they aged and now that I have reached their ages - I see I was really very wrong so much. There is a disconnect there. I'm scared and hope and pray I just die when I can't take care of myself.
My Mom says that so often! She didn’t know what her mom was going through. My Grandma never talked about her difficulties when we went to visit her. She lived in an active assisted living place and always was doing something there. I always got the impression she was happy with many friends and things to do. She lived to be 100. My Mom can’t understand why her mom didn’t tell her how miserable she was. How could Grandma handle it? I think Grandma made friends. You can’t expect your family to be everything. My Mom won’t leave her room to get to know anyone there. They’re good people going through the same thing as her but they aren’t alone. They have each other.
After my mother passed away I came across emails she'd exchanged with my siblings. Well! - you know how they say "eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves"?
She didn't complain (no need, siblings assumed I was dreadful to live with anyway) but she did mention that I had been "rather scratchy."
Anyone less polite would have said I was like a bear with a sore head and a toothache whose honey had all gone mouldy. I learned my lesson and deleted the rest of her mailboxes.
I feel this is true too. If a person looks for something bad, they may find it.
I like what my sweet grandma used to say, “There is good and bad in everyone,”
I think curiosity gets to some people and you know what everyone says about curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat!
I think curiosity fades as people get older. Not for everyone but most of us. I could care less what my neighbors are doing. I wouldn’t be the person to ask what happened because I wouldn’t be paying attention.
I was extremely fortunate. My LO's praised me to everyone.
With my father, I had to pull back and remember how it felt to always be told what to do as a child. I didn't like it. So I turned myself around and told him that if he needed me, I was there. I told him to do things the way he wanted and if it didn't work out, we would find a viable path together. Worked like a charm.
With my DH, I thought about how I'd want to be treated - and that is how I treated him.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My only experience with my Dad that had me laughing so hard was he called APS (Adult protective services ) to tell them that I am feeding him too much, I am finding help when he does not need any, he has everything he needs and I am hovering over. The APS told him that they wish all calls were his problem that he is a very blessed man at 91. A week later he told me with his head bowed down of the call he made, Told me he loved me. We both laughed so hard! I made him a British Pastie like his Mom did that weekend. He passed shorty after. So, our perception is so different from theirs. Just love them and do the best you can.
Sorry, guess that was a very sarcastic answer. But, oh so true.
I did enjoy the answers. Like I replied, my Mom would have said I was bossy.
'I'm 80 yrs old I've earned the right to do Nothin' or 'I'm going to sit on my butt and complain if I want to, I'm old I earned that right'
big sigh
I was expected to understand that dementia was a horrible, irreversible diagnosis that made victims of some of the strongest people I’d ever known, and that such victims were to be treated with respect and love, as they’d treated me before their illness stole them from me.
They’d say that they knew I’d attempt to move Heaven and Earth before doing something that caused them distress, and grieve with them if their dementia caused them to misinterpret my obligation to make a decision that in their confusion, they considered hurtful or harmful or unfair.
They’d say that they’d want me to remember them as they were when they were well and strong and independent, and be grateful that I could do that, even at their most dependent and most frail.
I suspect that although many of you, exhausted and worn out, may be thinking of yourselves as you have mentioned here, probably your relatives are or would be, if they were able, thinking and saying the same.
Hugs and Hopes..........
She didn't complain (no need, siblings assumed I was dreadful to live with anyway) but she did mention that I had been "rather scratchy."
Anyone less polite would have said I was like a bear with a sore head and a toothache whose honey had all gone mouldy. I learned my lesson and deleted the rest of her mailboxes.
I like what my sweet grandma used to say, “There is good and bad in everyone,”
I think curiosity gets to some people and you know what everyone says about curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat!
I think curiosity fades as people get older. Not for everyone but most of us. I could care less what my neighbors are doing. I wouldn’t be the person to ask what happened because I wouldn’t be paying attention.
I'm over there twice a day!
With my father, I had to pull back and remember how it felt to always be told what to do as a child. I didn't like it. So I turned myself around and told him that if he needed me, I was there. I told him to do things the way he wanted and if it didn't work out, we would find a viable path together. Worked like a charm.
With my DH, I thought about how I'd want to be treated - and that is how I treated him.
Today my mom told me “you don’t know what kind of pain I’m having...!” and “Ok Charlotte, you know it all, you know everything..”
But this has been a bad couple of days. Usually she says “I didn’t want to bother you...” Are you all jealous?
Don’t be. I pay for it later lol.
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