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It sounds like her feelings are hurt that you moved away & won’t be there for her.
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Sounds simple but its not easy to go through. JUST IGNORE IT.
When my mother was moved to assisted living (I say was moved, because she was living rent free but paying £100 a month towards all bills, in an annex attached to our house, but her rudeness, erratic behaviour, double incontinence, falls and the stress she was causing was making me ill so I told her she had to go somewhere to be properly "monitored" and helped.) She didn't talk to us for six months, sought legal advice on whether she could claim anything from us, changed banks, took out money from an investment (£5000) which to this day she cannot account for, and let a "friend" do what she wanted with her possessions etc.
She was very rude about us to anyone she spoke to - staff, visitors etc, and was very rude and aggressive to the staff and other residents.
This went on until she needed some help sorting out some financial issues which had arise because she had closed one bank account and opened another without dealing with any payments in or out.
Suddenly she found herself "dumped" by the so called friend and needing us.
Since this time things have improved and at the time of writing we can do no wrong.
Moral of rather long winded story - JUST IGNORE IT, until the day she realises she is being unreasonable. I would make the effort whilst she was being unreasonable to phone once a fortnight, and tell her I was hanging up now when she started to be rude, and we had very good communication with the facility manager and were kept fully up to date with any issues or things that arose - but it was something we just had to go through to get past her narcissism are unreasonableness.
Say what you want to say don't candy coat things when you are with them, and if necessary and friction persists arrange with your sister to phone you once a week or fortnight with a report, but don't let her stress you and make you ill, she has no right to do this, and you have no responsibility to take it. Mother's in particular can be very manipulative and guilt instilling - stand up for yourself as the adult you are, I know it is hard when you have always been the child and roles are reversing, but keep to the path you feel is right for YOU first and her IF she co-operates. Good luck.
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Hi,
Your mom’s demeanor is telling…..she can’t deal with everything, she needs help! As you probably already know there’s not much in life that we can really control, parent’s included. Finally accepting this was very difficult for me.

Your mom needs a break for 2-4 hrs a day several times per week. Now she may balk at this idea but she needs it. If she doesn’t take care of her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health and well being she too will need help. She needs to put on her oxygen mask before she can help your dad. There are companion aides that can come into the house for 3-4 hrs x 2/wk. In my area it costs $29/hr (Ithaca, NY). I recently changed from a companion aide for my 88 yo mom to a day program where she can interact with other seniors doing crafts, exercises, games, nostalgia, etc. This has changed her normally negative attitude. She’s there 5 days per wk for 5 hrs. Cost is markedly more manageable at $10/hr.

Remember this isn’t about you, it’s about you’re mom feeling vulnerable and probably scared. Anger is just noisy fear.

Perhaps a geriatric counselor may also be of value. Please remember you deserve to have a life, you can help your parents but you can’t change them.

I hope something I said is helpful!
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Whike it seems your mom was always on the controlling side, she is now in the position she no longer has a choice, everything is solely on her shoulders and while in her younger days had your dad even if she was the enforcer to help, she is ALONE now. Your moving away she feels aba8, while this isn't the case, your job is to your husband and be a support for your mom and dad. Not be consumed by their needs. Mom needs help, she doesn't want to admit it. She doesn't want anyone to see her as a failure, especially her kids.
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KristineB Jun 2021
Exactly 💜👏👏👏👏🙏
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Your guess is probably correct, however you deserve to be with your hubby for his new job. what good would come of you in one place and your hubby in another, it would damage that relationship. maybe your mom feels abandoned because even though she did everything herself she knew you were there as a backup if needed......now its the other sister who doesn't do anything. maybe you could suggest someone to come in 2 times a week to help relieve some of the burden off your mother (if she would allow it). other than that, not much else you can do. i wish you luck
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Sounds like she’s really trying to put a guilt trip on you . Don’t play into it. Have a good time with your dad while your there and make an extra effort to show him a lot of attention. I would take him I gift she doesn’t deserve one. She is being selfish and why should you let her bad moods bring you down. Yes she’s your mother and I’m sure there’s bleeding hearts out here that will say feel sorry for her she’s under stress well we all are . I am one of them my husband has Dementia and Parkinson’s a bad heart a 9.8 aorta aneurism, diabetes is in diapers and now can no longer get out of bed. But do you think for one minute I put any kind of guilt trip on our kids his or mine? Absolutely Not I made my own bed and I’ll continue to make it.
if your mother is mad enough at you
that she can’t have a normal conversation with you that’s her problem . Stop calling her for a change only call your dad , your mother will either get over her bad mood or she will only have her self to blame.
Good luck to you
its a shame family try to manipulate other family members to do what they want .
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This is a tough one.....Your mother needs help, nearing the end, scared to death, unsure of who will help and so she dumps on you because YOU allow her behavior. I would stand very, very firm and tell her (and the rest of the family) that this is YOUR time of life and you are going to go with your husband as that is your future and you have a right to that. You will help to the extent you can but you also have a life to live and no one is going to do it for you. State your case in detail. Suggest ways to help her, i.e. caretaker, guardian, placement, whatever. And tell your mother in no uncertain terms, bad behavior, regardless of the reasons will NOT be tolerated under NO circumstances. If she acts up, tell her off and immediately leave. Don't put up with bad behavior - it will only get worse. If your sister will not cooperate or help, then you make the decisions what to do with your mother - caretaker or facility - and do whatever it takes. She is making her bed, let her lie in it. As to your sister, do you really want to be part of her if she is so "selfish"? Why does that matter to you. Move on if need be. Get tough.
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