I have posted here before just to vent or for advice and I am back again with an update. Mom fell in SNF a month ago and broke her arm, but is not adhering to rehab schedule. She has been seen by her orthopedist, GP, nurses, social worker, PT/OT staff and dietician. Since her pain and nausea have subsided, all have agreed that there is no reason why she should not be eating or following her therapy schedule. Mom is only eating 30% of meals, hardly drinks and lays in bed most of the time. Just this past week she has begun to get out of bed and do minimal therapy. She is on 6 protein shakes a day and the GP has ordered an appetite stimulant. Today when I spoke with Mom she repeated how she does not like it there and that the Nurses' Aides as not gentle enough. Then she pleaded with me to not let her die in there. Already she has lost 15 lbs. and I think she may be starving herself to death. Reason: She wants to live with my husband and I instead of in her private room in a 5-star continuing care community with every imaginable amenity with Medicaid footing the bill. For a multitude of reasons, Mom cannot live with us, e.g. many chronic healthcare conditions, med management, bathing, dressing, etc. as well as the fact that she has always been abusive, manipulative and narcissistic. Before the fall, she was getting around fine with her walker and eating very well. I am on the phone with her1-3x/week to lift her spirits and visit every other week to check in on her, take her snacks, clothes, meet with staff, etc. We have taken her on a couple of outings, but now there is no chance of that. Has anyone else out there experienced a similar situation?
"She wants to live with my husband and I instead of in her private room in a 5-star continuing care community with every imaginable amenity with Medicaid footing the bill". .
Shes cares NOTHING about the practicalities- the money, the bills, how hard it would be for you.
If family takes her in it is because they love her THAT much (would be my guess to her thinking).
If this is possible for you, let her know how loved & special she is. The most amazing, loving Mother that anyone had. Or, to be more realistic, simply Thank Her. Thank her for being your Mother.
This is the final task of life, according to Erikson’s 8 Stages of Development :
Older adulthood – Integrity versus despair.
To be at peace & to have felt our life was useful.
By being a beloved Mother, that is her payoff. Currently she may be heading to despair.
You could arrange a Councellor to talk to Mother instead, if you preferred. I've seen this turn in a day. Oh woe is me, my family won't take me - to - I've had a good life, I was a good parent, I am better off here being cared for, I have chosen not to be a burden on my family. I feel at peace now.
She's doing rehab at the SNF, so everyone already knows her as she did therapy with the same group in the past.
Maybe you can get mom's doctor to put her on antidepressants which might help her like they did my mom.
In any event, she can't come live with you so figure it out mom. I was in the same spot for the past 3 years with my mother living in Memory Care Assisted Living and insisting on coming to live with me. She had more issues than Newsweek and was wheelchair bound to boot, and 190 lbs. There was NO WAY I could care for her at home, but she would cry and play the guilt card on me every time I visited her. So again, her anti depressants were increased and calming meds were added in as well, which did help. Like Alva said, some things can't be fixed, and extreme old age and disease is high on that list. Mom passed in February and I can say I did my best to make sure she was as happy as a person like her was capable of being.
Do your best getting mom treated for depression and let God handle the rest. We're just daughters, not miracle workers or able to fix such situations for our mother's.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I appreciate your compassionate reply. My condolences on the passing of your mother.
No one is happy with seeing a loved one suffer. I am 80, a nurse all my career, and no one knows more than I do that the losses are dreadful and one after another. Our mobility and our balance, our appetite and our sight and hearing and our continence. And none of it leads to an improved state of mental well being. It is a crucible. We live too long. Let Mom know you love her and you are doing the best you can and you understand that just now you are both suffering. No one knows better that their own time will come than the child watching this suffering for a parent.
I am so sorry. Not everything can be fixed. Not everything has a wonderful answer and a happy ending. My heart goes out to you.