Mom is 80 diagnosed ( 6yrs ago) with vascular dementia. It has become harder for me since she's getting worse, with her speech, walking, and severe anxiety. To the point that she gets really angry.

She takes Effexor for depression and 5m valium for the anxiety in which doctor wants me to only give her 1/2 and the other 1/2 later in the day if I have to. I had to administer the whole pill the other day since she fell and got violent and started screaming to the neighbor who was trying to help me get her off the floor.

I have been living with my mother for 3 years now and this is not easy. It's been taking a toll on me that I'm not really taking good care of myself, and it has affect me mentally. I think, breath, dream mom 24/7

I don't have a life anymore. Hardly anyone comes to the house since she gets angry that they are taking away our time together

Which all she does is watch tv all day long.

As much as I would like to care for her till the end I don't think I can. I'm actually doing more damage to myself mentally and it's starting to show. Not being able to focus on my daily chores.

In addition to that, drinking wine at night to relax and being able to fall asleep without thinking of anything has become a habit.

I'm the only child and the rest of the family is in NY and we live in NC.

My patience is running thin.

Thank you in advance for any advice

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I can't speak to you from the financial end of things, but from the emotional end of things instead. You CANNOT go on like this, my friend. I placed both of my parents in Assisted Living back in 2014 after dad fell and broke his hip. Mom wasn't really too badly in need of Assisted Living (at least in her mind) back then, but dad WAS. So they BOTH had to be placed together, since they had been married for 68 years.

Fast forward to 2019; my mother declined tremendously over the years, became incontinent, diagnosed with progressive dementia, and fell over 36x while in Assisted Living. Many hospitalizations, chronic vertigo, you name it, she had it. I had to move her into the Memory Care section of the ALF last May, and there she lives today, at 93, and has fallen ANOTHER 10x since going into a wheelchair!

My life is already full of chaos because of her, even IN a Memory Care situation. PLEASE get your mother placed into Memory Care asap............she is well PAST the point of regular Assisted Living, as they are not equipped or interested in handling someone with that level of dementia. She needs a locked in facility where she will be safe and cannot wander. She will be surrounded by peers in the same boat, she'll have activities to do and meals and snacks to enjoy every day. Mom's place has a beautiful garden they have free access to at all times as well, which gives her the fresh air option, thankfully.

Her private pay money will run out in early 2021; at that time, I will apply for Medicaid to fund her new life in a Skilled Nursing Facility. It's all I can do, since there is no way I can care for her in my home.

Get a consultation with an Elder Care Attorney to see how you can proceed with Medicaid applications and/or private pay options in the meantime. These attorneys are PRICELESS with their valuable information!!

Wishing you the best of luck. Please don't feel guilty, either. Placing my folks (Dad died in 2015) was THE best thing I've ever done!! My mother has such a good quality of life there compared to what she'd have here. The girls (as she calls her aides) care for her beautifully and they love her. All in all, it's the best life you can offer BOTH of you!!
Helpful Answer (2)

Fwiw no one can caregive for a dementia patient 24/7, nor should be asked to, expected to, or feel guilty about being unable to.
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I suggest you talk to an Elder Care Attorney.
I am not one to suggest or endorsing "hiding" assets. And I am not suggesting you would do this.....
But there are trusts that assets can be put into
But my logic has always been...if a person has the funds to provide them good, quality care either at home or in a facility use funds that way rather than relying on a facility that happens to have a few beds that they reserve for Medicaid recipients. This is not saying that a resident that is private pay gets better care than a person on Medicaid. But a private pay resident may have a better room, a private room. And in a better facility.
My logic is..I earned my money, saved for my retirement, my "old age". This is what I saved for, not for family members to argue over money that should go to them rather than use MY money to care for ME. My hope is that the day I die there will be $1.00 left to my name and no debt. That would mean that I planned right, lived right and died right.
If your mom has a retirement income that will continue and not just Social (in)Security then she may not qualify for Medicaid and that is fine as long as her income keeps up with her needs.
Again an Elder Care Attorney can help with all these questions.
Helpful Answer (3)
Wendylou May 2020
Thank you so much for your response.
You are absolutely right!
Thank you again and God bless you!
Memory Care is for someone that has been diagnosed with any form of Dementia.
Usually these residents have lost the ability to do many of the ADL's. And many are at great risk of wandering. Memory Care units are typically locked.
Assisted Living is for someone that is somewhat able to care for themselves with moderate help. These are not locked units and most of the residents can come and go as they please. (signing in and out so the facility is aware if they are off site)
AL may be good for someone with mild or moderate dementia but as the disease progresses more supervision will be necessary.
Because transition is difficult for someone with dementia often placing someone in Memory Care sooner rather than later is done.
Difficult decision but you have to do what is best for both of you. If you do not think you can safely care for her ...and safely is both physical and mental..hers AND yours.
Have you thought about Adult Day Care? This might give you the break you need a few days a week. Trust me it was a life saver for me while he could go. After that I had to get caregivers to come into the house. If that is an option it is a good one for you as well. Keep in mind that your mom should be paying for the Day Care as well as any caregivers. Spend down her savings so that if you have to apply for Medicaid you will have spent down her savings in a way that would not be a problem in the application process. Keep documentation as to how her money is spent.
Helpful Answer (3)
Wendylou May 2020
Thank you so much for the feedback.
I do need to start spending from her savings since she does not qualify for Medicaid.
But my question is;
I was told because of her income, she does not qualify for Medicaid.
What's the difference if she doesn't have any savings but still, have the same income? How will she qualify for Medicaid?
I was thinking of one way to start to spend her money is about starting to prepaid for future funeral expenses.
Wendylou, shortly many on this forum will post encouragement for you to feel no guilt if you choose to transition your mom into a care facility. For the past several years you have made a loving sacrifice and you should have peace in your heart that you've done your best. AL is for those who have most of their cognitive functions and can still carry out some basic life skills by themselves, like: remembering to eat, hygiene, taking meds, and do not engage in things that endangers them or others, like wandering away or being aggressive/violent. I would interview the admin at a facility and see where they think she should be placed. In a facility she will receive proper care, treatments, safety and even have opportunities to socialize, which she isn't getting now. For some things in life there are no satisfying solutions, and this is one of them. You are now a member of a very large club. There is much to know moving forward, so please return with other questions for this incredibly helpful forum. Blessings to you now and in the future!
Helpful Answer (4)
Wendylou May 2020
Thank you so much for your advice. I just hear so many horror stories about those places, plus mom is not an easy person to deal with, unfortunately.
But for my sanity, I will do some research.
And for her wellbeing.
Thanks again! And God bless!
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