In-laws live in another state away from adult children in other states. Recently there were some medical emergencies and there was no plan in place. How and what can we do to make them realize they need help even though one of them stubbornly thinks they can do it all themselves. None of the adult children feel confident in their parents abilities to be by themselves. What and where to start?
She used to be an immaculate housekeeper, but I have noticed a lot of things that are no longer as clean as they were. She told us she was down to 89 pounds at her doctor's visit (she is 5'6"), and her doctor about had a fit and told her to gain weight. She claims she is over 90 pounds now, and says she eats well, although there never appears to be a lot of food in the house. She still drives a 21-year-old vehicle.
She keeps all her financial info private, including not wanting my husband to see her will. We think she probably cut us out of a lot. It's her money to do with as she wishes, but we think maybe the mega-church she attends talked her into giving them a bundle when she passes.
If she has any dementia, she hides it well, because she still seems very "with it". Her memory is probably better than mine. :-) Right now she has neighbors who keep tabs on her, and they have our phone numbers. So, there isn't anything we can do until a crisis occurs. The idea of dealing with all that fills me with dread. I wish she would deal with her big house and the stuff in it while she still can.
The mother is back now. She did have a helper come in the afternoons most days, but that has ended. So she's all alone now. I guess her children are waiting for the "event" to happen to force a permanent change. Their mother is very stubborn. This is a common tale.
It sounds like a change of location - for family or aging parents is necessary. Or find a good person (care manager, as I am) to be the family's 'eyes and ears' as needed. Many people cannot afford a case or care manager. And, I believe case mgrs are licensed (social workers or medical social workers). I am not licensed so I call myself a care manager - I manage all kinds of care (hire and supervise caregivers, work with attorneys, empty out entire large homes, pick up rush prescriptions . . . ) and work with out-of-state (or local busy professional family members, or those who travel for work.
People / family 'try to reason' (as you know) because they do not understand dementia and they 'think' / 'react' as if they are talking to the parent they knew before dementia. It is a very difficult, challenging situation - even for the best or more experienced of us. I always say DO NOT ARGUE. Argue, change the subject and do what needs to be done.
I appreciate your response.
Gena / Touch Matters
Maybe mom feels railroaded in the group meeting. Get her alone and ask her what kind of things might help HER take care of dad - even though that might not be the case. Perhaps she would admit a little house cleaning or laundry help would be nice. It might get your foot in the door with her.
If mom gets argumentative, the child calms her. Stay in the home with them long enough to get the ball rolling. In the future, just add another hour or so that mom won't notice much and will be more helpful to dad.