My father was put in a NH for rehab now it would be in his best interest to remain long term he is only 77 years old, over past month he’s had a sudden decline in his health due to multiple strokes and severe heart failure and dementia. His body is extremely weak, and is mostly required to use a wheelchair for safety instead of his walker, his mind comes and goes, and relies on the nurses to dress, bath him. Sits sits around with his head slumped over all of the time and does not have any desire to walk around and socialize. He wants to move with me but I’m not physically able to care for him with all of his needs. I feel so guilty about this, he does not want to stay at the nursing facility and I worry about what he’s going through and struggle with the decisions I have to make for his wellbeing because he does not think he’s that sick. What do I do to accept the right choices without feeling so very guilty.
Frequent visits to the NH at random times will help keep staff on their toes and tending to his needs. Believe me, they KNOW which patients have family members who are involved.
Let go of the guilt and do the best that you can.
He hated it, yelled at me for putting him there, it was all my fault etc. etc. Make sure to get him an assistive lift chair so he can sit in that to watch tv and get him out of his wheelchair. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and believe me, I and my sister squeak loudly when we see things that aren’t right at his NH. Do not accept him just sitting in his wheelchair, slumped. Tell them you want him in his recliner or the bed after meals.
For those that think a NH placement makes life easy on the caregiver, yes in some ways it does. However, you still need to visit, assess his care, and manage his things.
This is the time you will find you have to think with your head not your heart. I wish you the best.
Your guilt is normal, but completely unhelpful to both you and your dad. In placing him where he can get the best care possible, you are really showing an amazing amount of strength and love. And continuing to be a constant presence, overseeing his care in the facility and making sure he gets the best of what's available is also a gift of love that you are able to give every day - but in a way that doesn't destroy your own health and wellbeing. I hope this helps you.
The nursing home had lifts to help place my mother in her wheelchair without risking strain or injury to her or her helper, a big sauna tub where she had her baths twice weekly, a dining room to offer a varied menu, RNs immediately available and doctors on call as needed - in all these ways the care she received was superior to anything I could give her at home.
You mention your dad is sitting slumped over in his wheelchair - this is something I see often and it drives me batty. If he is going to spend the majority of his days in a wheelchair please consider having him fitted for a higher end chair that can give him both comfort and support - one with a headrest, stability backrest, pressure relieving seat cushion (consider a ROHO), tilt in place so he can recline and rest there.
My health has deteriorated over the last 7 years, with both parents declining and like your dad, not wanting to go to a facility.
We went through bad caregivers, hospice at home, scary times when electricity went out at their home (I’m an only child living 2 hours away) many, many rehab stays. My words of advice: let him be in the nicest facility you can afford.
There will still be oodles of paperwork, meetings, etc. but you can go back to somewhat being his daughter. Enjoying one another.
For me, not having to worry when caregivers would not show up, when dad would get confused and try to stand, caregivers bickering, a wheelchair not working, etc. has been a life saver.
I love my parents so much, and I know you love your dad. My body had taken a blow from the years of trauma and constant worry. Chronic disease and living through cancer treatment along with the caregiving was devastating. Turn the day to day care over to a facility where you will not be constantly worrying about what’s go to happen if a caregiver does not show up, or takes money or does not fold the laundry.
I'm sure your dad would rather make sure he still has his daughter alive and visiting. I may be projecting, but I remember feeling that guilt, and want to share a bit of my story to show not all facilities are awful. My parents have been making friends, love the food, are always clean, and enjoy the activities. You’ll make the best decision for you both.
See All Answers