Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
Well said. I do report the negative posts 😊
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Thank you for reminding people that full time care in facilities is also a choice of love.

It helps to remember that caring for a LO at home, in their own home, or a long term care facility are all options with their own benefits and problems. Many caregivers need to decide if caring for their LO at home is "do-able" in terms of the time commitment, physical requirements, and - sometimes - the emotional toll on the caregiver. Caring for a LO in their own home is "do-able" by family and paid staff as long as the home is safe and accessible to caregivers and LO. Long term care facilities provide 24/7 care for their clients and try to provide "home-like" environments. Long term care facilities are the most expensive option but best for LO with overwhelming needs.

Whatever caregivers and families decide should always be guided by desire to provide best care in a loving environment.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I couldn't agree more...someone in this forum gave me the same guilt trip for wanting to being my mom home!! Everyone has their own unique battle, especially within themselves as to caring for a loved one...so, please support them in their decision making. I never thought I would be in the situation I am, but right now, I believe it's right where I need to be. In the meantime, everyone....take care of yourselves too...I schedule that massage or coffee or trip to the bookstore. I am no good to my mother or myself all stressed out and upset.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Thank you for your post. There have been a few times I’ve considered leaving this site due to rude comments about people who put their loved ones in nursing homes, very harsh and judgmental comments that lack any insight or compassion. My mother went within hours from living just fine in her home to being 100% physically unable to do anything from a devastating stroke. She couldn’t roll over, sit, eat, or stratch what itched, yet she was fully there mentally. It was and remains the cruelest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Her care was overwhelming and impossible in the home. It was with profound sadness that she went to a nursing home. I spent the next four years wondering how to bring her home, but there was never a way. Her care only got more intense and then she mercifully died, leaving me broken-hearted. We remain grateful for the kind and compassionate care she received, our family visited and were her advocates, we made the best of the rotten hand that was dealt. Our children learned valuable lessons from being in a nursing home environment. Fast forward, I find this site for help with my dad, and all too often see snide comments on the sorry people who put their family in no good, sorry nursing homes (the oft repeated “there are no good ones” is a mantra here) and the self patting on the back by those who have the choice not to do placement. I join in asking that the judgment stop and the compassion and understanding increase
Helpful Answer (22)
Report

Those are people who obviously have never been in a caregiver role. If you can afford an ALF or Nursing Home, they will always get better care and there are many facets of caregiving which a loved one should not have to see their parent or spouse deal with. The emotional pain is not felt by a professional.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Yeah, it all sounds peachy until you are faced with one or both parents in failing health. Once you are backed into a corner, you realize the life you have built is truly on the line. Your health? Your career? Your financial security? Your marriage? Possibly - hobbies/goals/rewards you have been working toward for decades? We each only get one life and none of us is guaranteed a long one.

I am an only child, my dad died of dementia 3 weeks ago in a memory care home, and right now my mom is locked up in a mental health facility and the staff thinks she is showing signs of dementia too. They are recommending placement somewhere soon - or if she insists on staying in her home she needs someone there 24-hours a day. This has been a long and unpleasant journey and will go on indefinitely into the future.

My parents had me (and only me) when they were in their 20s, by the time they were in their early 40s I was independent. I would say they got the MUCH easier end of the bargain!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
ExhaustedPiper Dec 2019
Upstream you may have addressed this, but since your mom is currently in the hospital can you refuse to take her back to her home? Can you tell the facility social worker that you can not be her care-giver?

For your sake I hope you can get her into a care facility now! What does "soon" mean to these people? Do they think she is safe to discharge home alone?

I've read that staff will try to take the easy way out and push the work onto relatives but if you stand your ground they must make arrangements.
(8)
Report
See 5 more replies
Absolutely agree with you. I will never ever expect from my daughter what was expected of me. Never. Alzheimer’s patients progress at different levels. I couldn’t keep caring for my mother 24/7. I did for 5 years. Then my blood pressure goes off the charts, I don’t sleep. , I have a racing heart. And why ? Because one person can’t be on call and a caregiver 24/7. Not possible. So she’s in memory care, and guess what? She’s adjusted. I did all I could for as long as I could. Then I could not. No shame.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

Excellent post! I couldn’t agree with you more!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Hi,

you must have found a trustworthy facility and I commend you for that. My mother is in a memory care assisted living and was left unchanged (diaper) for 15.5 hours straight. Reasoning is her combativeness. We are at the top of the food chain paying for the care she is supposed to be getting and is not. I am under the impression if you work in a dimentia unit, you are well equipped with re-directing, diverting attention, distracting the resident and not utter neglect.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
lealonnie1 Dec 2019
Utter neglect is unacceptable, obviously, and needs to be reported to the Ombudsmen. If your mom is THAT combative with being changed, a medication change should be looked into right away.
(12)
Report
Awesome post!

My mom is presently in rehab and can’t walk due to falling in her home for the umpteenth time. She uses that guilt trip on us her adult children. So, the sibling who has control won’t put her in assisted living. It appears she will bypass any chance of having a mellow old age and go straight to nursing home. She is diabetic and has mild dementia.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Here’s the thing. If it isn’t their mom, dad, spouse, grandparent, it isn’t their decision. People need support, not negative criticism. There are different viewpoints on most topics.

Even if others don’t agree, they can still respect choices that are made that are best for everyone, the elder and caregiver.

Constructive criticism is great! Constructive criticism is thought provoking and helpful but making someone feel guilty about placing someone in a facility is totally different.

An example of constructive criticism is when I was worn out but wouldn’t let go. It doesn’t hurt to encourage someone to let go. Sometimes people need a push to get over a hump!
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
Frances73 Dec 2019
I have to remember that. "You don’t get to have an opinion about something you have no interest in."
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
lealonnie, I see it on this aging care forum quite a bit. It happened the other night so I told the person making the comment,,that she was more than welcome to come take care of my mother. They think it’s so easy, my Mother would call the cops on them so fast to get them out of her house!! I would love to see one of those self righteous people just try to help my Mother. Cmon Irene, let’s eat, cmon Irene let’s bathe, cmon Irene let me wash your hair. Cmon Irene, let me do your laundry. Yeah right!!!! It would NEVER happen because my Mother wouldn’t allow anybody in the house.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

It seems like a lot of the stories here are from caregivers who's parents were either somewhat absent or abusive while they were growing up. Makes me think there is some kind of underlying psychological issues causing them to ruin their lives by in a futile attempt to keep them home.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
notrydoyoda Dec 2019
There is. They are trying to get their parent to love them which they never have and never will despite their sacrifices. The flip side of this is they were groomed by their parents to do this.
(11)
Report
See 2 more replies
Lealonnie,

My biggest problem was I placed guilt on myself. Guilt is absolutely a trap! We start to feel unworthy. We start to feel like our feelings don’t matter and we must sacrifice everything which is not true.

Honestly, I became numb to it all. I don’t think I fully realized how much of my life I had sacrificed until the after effects hit me when it was finally over, after she had moved into my brother’s home.

I guess it depends on the circumstances of the individual. My mom requires lots of care and it wore me out, physically and emotionally.

If I had been caring for someone like my near 98 year old cousin it would have been different. She is in good health, no walker, not even a cane, drives, upbeat and funny, overall a lovely woman. Hey, I could deal with that!

My cousin still lives independently. I do worry about her driving because she did get a speeding ticket! Hahaha
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Thank you for your message. I totally agree. It isn't about throwing people away. Its about giving people the care they need.

I saw a video on YouTube about when to place someone in a home. There was someone commenting their judgement towards others. They don't get it.

At least we know deep down what's right. That's what counts
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Frances73 Dec 2019
I think that sometimes too. Then I visit Mom in AL worrying about her being lonely and she is either winning at Bingo, batting at beachball volleyball, or off on a sightseeing tour. I’ve learned to check her social calendar before I visit😀
(6)
Report
I would (and probably have) add that in many situations placing a loved one in residential care is the most loving as well as the most difficult thing to do. We seem to forget that patients often get to a place where it isn't safe for them to be cared for at home, mobile patients who are larger than their caregivers or that have violent tendencies as a result of their dementia, patients who are a fall risk but refuse or forget to wait for or use assistance. There are all kinds of reasons it's better for them to be placed somewhere and often families that wait until something major happens because they are selfishly (not aware of it or purposely selfish) keeping them at home longer than is really best for the patient. Every person is different, every situation is different and not one of us can pass judgment on someone else's decisions or situation because we can't walk a mile in their shoes, it isn't possible because none of us have the exact same situation.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Leilonnie: I appreciate your statement. I have commented a few times on here that AL, SNF, MC offer 24/7 care by professionals who are not sleep deprived and yes, many do it well. Many adult children caring for elderly LO heep enough guilt on themselves for even admitting they're stressed & tired without someone telling them they should be feel honored to do it like they do.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Um, I see these comments here frequently! Which is why I'm posting this!!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
worriedinCali Dec 2019
Same. And I can name several posters who habitually make negative comments about LTC facilities. You already know LOL
(7)
Report
See 2 more replies
I haven't seen much of that kind of negativity about long term care facilities, around here, but, there are places where it is very common and caustic. It's rather shocking to me, because, I don't know of any family members in my personal life who take issue with a LO going to long term care, if they need it. MOST of the seniors even say that they may have to go one day. Now, maybe, they would change their mind, if it came to it, but, most people that I know have a reasonable approach to it and don't consider it as a moral issue.

I can't help but wonder if some of the anti long term care philosophy comes from antiquated notions about places from long ago. Maybe, they can't let go or accept the reality of today. To each his own, I suppose, so, it doesn't bother me if they feel that way. All opinions are welcome.

Something that does bother me is when the idea of being loud and verbally abusive to a LO who is annoying due to their illness, is justified, because they (the home caregivers) are overwhelmed. Or the caregiver must leave the LO alone, when it is unsafe to do so.......yet, they refuse to consider alternate care. These things concern me greatly.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Well said but...I haven't seen anything posted like that for a while.

My DH does not like ALs or NHs. He very rarely will enter one. I have told him I will keep him home as long as I can but cannot promise him anything. He weighs 80 lbs more than I do.

When Mom came to live with me, it was not going to be permanent. I hoped to sell her house. With those proceeds and money she had I was hoping to get her into an AL. Which I later did. No one should have to care for someone 24/7. Plus, for many is a history thing. No one should have to care for someone who has been abandoned or abused by the person they r asking to care for.

I at one time wondered why people didn't take a parent in. My eyes have been opened an I judge no more.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
Jada824 Dec 2019
My mother & her siblings ( there are 4 of them) didn’t take my grandfather in to live with them or care for him in his home after he had fallen. He went into a nursing home & he was okay with it because he liked to socialize with people.

Now however all the siblings are in their 90’s and all want to stay in their own homes. Three of them are not safe or capable of living on their own.

It’s scary to think that one of them who is alone still drives at 95.
(8)
Report
Lealonnie1,
I completely agree with everything you have said. I know that when my mom was in the nursing home she started doing better, got better care since they had her eating properly and doing physical therapy.

I saw a big improvement until brother took her out because he was worried about her money.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

The martyrs here make me feel some type of way. But like Cwillie said, they are in the minority.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
qmnpxl Dec 2019
There’s nothing the martyr with me. :-)
(8)
Report
I've been a member of the forum for many years and although we do have people who like to spout that kind of self righteous garbage they are very much in the minority (after all, the people who think they have all the answers don't need a place like this).
Helpful Answer (21)
Report

I have always been the sort of person who doesn’t take well to people who try to tell me what to do. Sometimes, that’s been a bit of a downfall. But, I’ve always needed to learn my own lessons in my own time. Sure, it bothers me when I learn people have been telling tales about me behind my back. I’m human, after all. But it does not define me and I consider the source. People are entitled to their opinions. But for me to listen to people, sometimes strangers, who know nothing about me or my situation and who presume to pronounce judgment on my decisions isn’t going to happen.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter