When is it time to put a loved one in a memory care facility?

If you're wondering if it's time, then it probably is.

My friend’s husband was capable of staying home alone, or so they thought. Then one day he decided to boil an egg and forgot about it. He was capable of boiling the egg, but not capable of remembering he started it. Also after not smoking for years, he decided to smoke. His decision, but from an addled mind. Considering he’d come close to starting a fire by leaving the stove untended, what would happen with a cigarette? He wasn’t incontinent. He could converse. But it was time for him to go to memory care. Different reasons for different people, and it’s never easy. Just don’t let him endanger himself or others by preferring to believe that it’s all going to be okay when it isn’t.

Once the person has become a danger to themselves and others I’d say it’s time to be placed.

I have a friend whose elderly father burned their house to the ground ( they lived together and the dad wanted maximum independence ), the father forgot about a wood stove fire he started , and also died due to the flames and smoke inhalation. Sharing this not to be morbid, but because placing people can be REALLY hard, however, sometimes it is the least bad choice.

After weighting the options you’re doing the best you can for all concerned, but boy it often doesn’t feel like it.

Truly wishing you the best!

If you have a social worker who won’t release him, the social worker has done you a favor. If the social worker believes he needs 24 hour assistance, then your brother can either pay for 24 hour care or the social worker can start the process for finding him a care home.

The problem with these brain issues is that the person with the issue cannot see the problem. If they have a difficult time with trust, then it is even harder to get them to agree to do something about it. Memory Care facilities are prepared to deal with people who don’t believe they should be there or are placed there against their will.

Either way, I see a lot of mental anguish and work for you in the future. Please make sure you are healthy as you begin this journey.

Best wishes!

for us, it was time to put mom in memory care when caring for her in her home became untenable. we, her 3 daughters, had been taking turns staying with her because she couldn't be left alone. we did that for about 6 months until she started waking us up every night, several times a night. she would sleep all day, get up around 5pm, and be wide awake until around 7am the next day. around 10pm we'd be in bed and she'd start roaming the house, trying to cook, and coming into our rooms and literally shaking us awake, always saying "oh, i just didn't know who that was." like if someone is sleeping in my house and i don't know who it is i'm not going to go shake them awake! and imagine how it feels to be shaken awake and see someone standing over your bed! but that is her demented mind. she'd do it over and over, literally 6 times a night. she'd go back to her room, come back out 5 mins later, see us lying in our bed, and come shake us awake again. all night long, and we had to work in the morning! closing or blocking the door did not help because we had to know when she was getting up so we could make sure she wasn't starting a fire in the kitchen or wandering outside. once it hit this stage we had to put her in memory care where someone is on duty all night. they now have her on a normal sleep schedule so she's not wandering at night and it's not perfect, she's not exactly happy there, but we can now get some rest and not be terrorized by her nighttime behavior.

If your brother has no short-term memory as you say, then he cannot live alone anymore.
The caregiver comes for 4 hours. Who watches and supervises him the other 20 hours in a day?
He needs to have a live-in caregiver/companion or has to be placed in the appropriate care facility.
There is no question here. Your brother is not safe on his own anymore.

Are you POA?
Does he have 24/7 help?
Is he diagnosed as unable to function for himself now by his doctors?
I would recommend at least a try at ALF now. Some thrive with short term memory loss, though seldom with anger issues. Worth a try esp if you find a facility that has a MC he can move to if such a move is indicated.
When he is alone does he wander? Can he cook and clean safely for himself. I am assuming he lives along. Are you nearby for several time daily checks?
A lot figures in all this and you would be the best guesser at when it is right to make a move I am thinking.

My mom was combatitive, thinking she had no problem. She felt her freedom would be taken away as well. However, it turned out good! We told her her doctor wanted her to try this memory care place to try to make her memory better. She listens to anything her primary tells her. We had her stay at our house while a few of us packed up the moving truck and moved her stuff to memory care. When my brother dropped her off she did say her life is now over. In a way, she was right, but in many ways it was better! She now had a different kind of freedom. She could be, think, and do what she wanted within the safety of careworkers who are trained in dememtia care. Now she sings all the time, cries grateful tears for MC, feels loved, has fun, is more active, and loves the food. MC was cheaper than having a 24 hour care person in her home. Most of the time she thought her house of 60 years was her childhood home from when she was 12 years old. I think the toughest part is getting them in there...what will you say, who will get things set up to move, but afterward is so assuring people are watching over them. It will 2 years this August. She still wants to go home in the evenings, but mostly quite content. I hope it works out for all of you!

When they can no longer safely care for themselves or when their actions could put others at risk. If they can't remember to take their meds or if they are cooking and leaving burners on, it's time to move them.

Is your brother diagnosed with dementia?
If not, no one can force him to move anywhere.
Are you his POA if he IS diagnosed?
Clearly, whether you are POA or not you are now attempting to manage his care. This may enable him to avoid the necessity of placement.
Hope you can update us on his diagnosis, prognosis from his doctors, and your ability to act for him in any realistic and legalistic capacity. This may not be in your hands at all.