Seems I am always on this site for advice. I now have another dilemma.
My 95 yr old mother with dementia??, bad eyesight, poor decision making, bad knees, trouble walking and loses her balance from time to time.
I moved in with her over 7 yrs ago, after my father passed. She wanted to stay in her house, begged me not to put her in a nursing home. After all she did for us growing up, I didn’t see a problem.
She fell again early Sunday morning. Trying to get to the bathroom at 5:30am, she had her walker until she thought she could make it the rest of the way holding on to other objects. She got as far as her dresser, reached for it so she could use it to get around the wall, to grab her vanity, to get to the toilet. She must have misjudged and she went down. She only uses the walker until she can hold onto things for stability. She says she forgets the walker. The only time she uses it is when she doesn’t have anything else to hang onto. So, this brings us to the latest problem. She can’t get her walker into her bathroom unless that door is taken off the hinges. So I told her that I took her door off. She is to take her walker into the bathroom and not to be relying on other things for stability. She seemed ok with that until this morning. She was going in to take a shower and wanted the door put back on so she could use the heaters to warm the bathroom. She has a 1. ceramic heater on her vanity,2. her shower fan also has a heater, plus 3. the furnace I told her with all 3 running her bathroom would be warm enough for her. Now she says that she will call her brother to put the door back on. I told her it is not going back on. She said she will not take a shower until it is put back on. I told her that was her choice. So now she is really mad. Not talking to me. And I imagine she will tell me again to pack my bags and get out. She has always been a princess, always gotten her way. But after her last fall that she damaged her eye, cut her face and had to have stitches, spend overnight in the hospital, the squad coming to get her off the floor, I told her this is for the best and the door stays off!
This woman has to be in charge, and she fights every decision I make. Everyday is a battle. She has NO reasoning skills left. I do not even recognize this woman. If she knew how she was acting and how combative she is, she would be so upset with herself.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
My question to everyone. How would you handle this situation? Just give in? No matter what I think is the safest thing for her is, just let her do whatever she wants, no matter the danger?
The last time she fell the squad came. Gave me instructions on how to safe proof her room so that she could maneuver around her room with the walker.
I really do not want them coming back to see I haven’t followed their instructions.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
You either need to make her home safe to live in, or place her in a safe environment. It's okay either way. This shouldnt be about what the "squad" thinks of you....but about doing the right thing for your mother, aggravation aside. My own mother lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and they do a great job of caring for her. Much better than I'd do, truthfully. Be honest with yourself and make your decision accordingly.
As a former long term care admission officer who now does advocacy work with seniors and their families and friends I have to tell you I have threatened some folks with bodily harm if I find out they have made their spouses and children promise not to send them to facilities when safe care can't be handled at home. You should see the looks on their faces when I ask them "would you as a loving parent really deprive the child you gave birth to, the right to live their own lives?" It frequently comes as a shock to them exactly what they are asking and doing. So you made the promise when it was doable but then was then and now is now. If and when it become necessary for Mom to be placed in a facility, please drop the guilt at the front door. You do what is humanely possible until it becomes impossible and then you move to the next level and each person and situation is completely different. There is no one size fits all solution.
I should let you know that putting Mom in a facility will in no way totally stop her from falling, particularly if she is still an active "let me get up and get that piece of paper" type. People fall in ALs and NHs all the time. Even before covid facilities lacked staff and now in the midst of the pandemic..... well there is even less staff to watch, transfer, feed...... all that good stuff. And putting them in a recliner within the nursing station line of sight? Great idea (works better during the daytime with more staff about) but in the evening....... one nurse doing charts, another on the phone with doctors and/or family members, a third one giving out meds and therefore attached to her med cart.... attention is going to be elsewhere. And I also want to mention that while the nighttime commode is a great idea I found that some people just could not break the habit of 15 -20 years of getting up and going to the bathroom. We had one gentleman who used to get up at night and neatly put the commode to one side and then stagger to the bathroom. One of the CNA's caught him in the act one night and helped him; he said he didn't want to bother anyone and it was just a short distance to the bathroom (he crashed and burned 2 times in 4 weeks on that short distance). Subsequently the CNA tried to be available at specific times to re direct and or help him . Of course, that didn't always work if she and the other aides where busy helping other residents. Even less staff available at night (when in theory all the residents are sleeping.... yeah right).
I'm not trying to make an argument for or against placement -- just want to make sure you see it in the light of reality. And many people do well in the structured environment of a facility so it's a very individual thing. It does allow you to visit (post covid) and be a daughter instead of being the harassed caregiver.
Please feel free to contact if you want more info (or need to scream). Wishing you grace, peace and good fortune in this difficult journey.
I'm going with troll. Can't understand why these accts are still active.
IF you want to remain with her in the house there are hinges that you can get that will allow the door to open fully. OR Have a carpenter come in and enlarge the opening to the bathroom. It would require a bit of work but it should be possible.
Is this the only barrier?
Enlarge other doorways there will come a time, maybe sooner rather than later when she will be in a wheelchair.
If she continues to use furniture as support it will be sooner. One option might be to remove as much furniture as possible. Use the closet, put a dresser in the closet if that is possible. It will eliminate some of her spots for support so that she has to use the walker more.
As I said you can not reason with her but remind her that if she falls she will go to the hospital, she will go to rehab and she may not be able to return home after that.
Begin to look at Memory Care facilities so that you know what is available and you will be able to take the steps needed when the time comes.
If you do not know if she has dementia then that is the place to start. Diagnosis. Let her doctor know she need a thorough evaluation. After that it is guardianship and placement.
She would not now be safe alone just from issues of mobility. So it is way too late for you to just "leave" at this point.
Reasoning with her her won't help. Eventually, it becomes a matter of keeping her safe. I'd likely not allow her to walk alone without assistance. You can't be certain she won't fall, touch the heaters, etc. Space heaters are very risky.
I disagree with many who suggested assisted living. At age 95, I think she's getting good care in her own home. Nothing is perfect. My Mom fell in inhouse rehab, last year. She is in her own home now, with assistance. She's happy in familiar surroundings.
Could you get a PT and OT evaluation for Mom? It sounds like at 95, your Mom is doing pretty good. My Mom is 92 and wheelchair bound.
I like the suggestion of a curtain or perhaps an accordian door, if she needs privacy (not sure from whom).
Lastly, you said that Mom has to be in charge of everything. I think a lot of that has to do with fear of losing independence. Perhaps, giving Mom choices would help. "Mom, the old door won't work, but how about an accordian door or curtain. What do you think? I could close it after your inside and open when your finished" Or is it possible to have a pocket door?
To help you, could an aide be hired part time?
Best wishes.
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