I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. He lives at home with his elderly sick mother and older brother. I knew of his living situation when we first started dating and I was hesitant about it. But, he assured me that his brother takes care of his mother who has been diagnosed with Huntington’s disease for the last 15 years. However, my boyfriend was the one that was taking care of all the bills while his brother would take care of their mother. This was all fine and good until his father passed away and it was all left on his shoulders. He couldn’t support himself, his brother plus his mother. So, his brother had to get a job, but of course he can only get a job at night. (Which he procrastinated about). Now my boyfriend is not allowed to leave the house because somebody has to “watch” mom. With Huntington disease, she can no longer move, no longer eat by herself and the only word I’ve ever heard her say is no. They refuse to put her in a home because she said she doesn’t want to leave. I think they are delusional that she speaks.
So basically, my boyfriend is now living his life to watch his mother. I’m trying to be understanding about it. We were talking about moving in together, but his brother has a problem with him not watching his mom or paying for some of the bills for the house they all live in. I just don’t know what to do. I love him, but I’m not sure I am willing to sacrifice my life to somebody who never makes me a priority. If I could get over the mother then I still have to compete with the brother. To make matters worse, I think that there is some unhealthy relationship with his brother and his mother. It’s just weird and it makes me really uncomfortable. I have brought it up to my boyfriend before but he swears that I’m just seeing things. The both of them however think that she’s communicating with them even though she can only say one word and that’s “no”. Just need some advice on what to do. I am in my 40s and divorced. He treats me well minus this whole mother/brother issue. Any advice?
It hurts to say goodbye to a relationship where you love someone. It hurts MORE to stay in such a relationship where your gut is telling you to run. And where you yourself are likely to become mom's caregiver. Yikes. That's your default future if you stay, I'm afraid.
Good luck making the hard decisions you have to make. Wishing you the very best life has to offer, not the crumbs.
There are red flags waving all over this situation.
At the end of the day though, you have to do whatever you feel is right for you.
This woman could live another 10 yrs. The longest has been 35 yrs. If these men are willing to give up their lives for their Mom, then so be it. They should be finding ways to ease the burden. Medicaid in home. Help with utilities. But at 40 and divorced you need more for yourself. I am not saying to break off with him but don't plan any future with him either. Except the relationship for what it is. Just make it clear that you cannot get involved in his drama. My friends mother was in a Nursing facility when we were in school. Her Dad had 4 kids to raise. Her care was too much.
I know it makes you sad, but do not ever feel guilty about leaving this situation. Feel grief, but not guilt. Please read the many other posts by girlfriends on this forum where they were always #2 and then sucked into the vortex and then got deeply stuck in the muck. Leave now while it is "easier" and you have less vested in the relationship. If it makes you feel "better" you can offer to help him find alternatives for her care, like contacting social services, but if he stiff-arms you or gets mad, they you *definitely* have your answer about where you are in the pecking order. It's not a crime or sin for a son to love and care about his mother, but he is not a good problem solver and doesn't see boundaries. These are important abilities to have in order to have any healthy relationships. May you gain wisdom and clarity and receive peace in your heart.
You will never be his priority, accept that as fact, he has showed you who he is, believe him.
Me, I'd cut him loose.
Remember the film 'Love Actually'? When Sarah chooses her brother over Hot Karl?
How long are you willing to wait? Can you wait until he lets go of being the Lone Ranger & adjust to the reality his Mother needs (now) & his Brother (will need) supportive ongoing care & accomodation.