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My dear mom has Alzheimer’s disease and is in middle stages of the disease. I was her sole caregiver until my father kicked me out (he is a narcissist). He has legal guardianship along with my sister —my sis knows nothing about mom and doesn’t really care, but both my sis and father have common enemy which is me. He always says he is the husband and only him is the decision maker, but there are times when my mom is sick and they won’t do anything about it until it’s too late. I want to call APS (I live in VA) and report that he is not fit to be the primary legal guardian and the person making decisions for mom. Many CNAs left because of him and my sister. Would APS cause any damage? I don’t want them to take my mom to nursing home, I just don’t want him to be the primary legal guardian and I want him to know that the gov/county is watching just so he won’t think he can make all bad decisions for mom based on his ego. Will they protect my identity? I’m torn between calling APS or just leaving it to God. He instructed the current CNAs to not talk to me when I call to ask about mom.

Not sure what APS could do. If Dad has an aide coming in, that person should be a mandated reporter. Sis is in the picture, do you think she would overlook any kind of abuse? If Mom is kept clean and fed and the house is decent, then APS will do nothing. At this point Mom is in her own little world.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Has your mother asked you for help? If she has then you need to call APS. If not, I would suggest you try to help in any way you can without causing disruptive family arguments. From what you've written so far it seems there is real dysfunction going on. It isn't even about your mom, rather about everyone interested in controlling her care. There needs to be changes in communication. I would suggest family therapy. However, your dad would have to agree, and it seems he would not be interested. Work on your own self and with your siblings to escape these family dynamics and offer help where it is needed with your mom.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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Your father is caring for your mother.
Your father is the legal guardian of your mother as her next of kin.
Your father is making the decisions and has a CNA for her.
He also can make the decision to put your mother in care when her care is too difficult for him. He apparently ALSO has the support of your sister.
If both your father and your sister do not trust you, then I wonder what their story is about the reason for that. We have only YOUR side of the story here and you do not bother even to inform us what awful claims they make about you that are untrue.

Yes, my advice if you evey hope to see your mom again is to leave this be.
APS usually does not tell who the reporting person is.
However, APS will want to know what your EVIDENCE of neglect is. What evidence do you have of neglect?
A guardianship fight for your mother would cost over 10,000 and you would lose.
I would, if I were you, do all I could to support your mother, your father and your sister in their care decisions for your mother.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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BintUmi Dec 14, 2024
Thank you for your answer. I appreciate it. It’s not that I didn’t bother to include details, it’s just that the details are painful to write. I’m the youngest of 6 ( in my 30s and my siblings are in their 50s with families) when my mom got sick I immediately moved in and took care of her because none of my siblings did it, my father has abused my mom mentally all her life and treated her like a second class citizen and cheated on her which is ultimately why stress caused her this disease. When mom got sick my father would tell me and 2 of my siblings that we don’t listen to his “orders” and we can’t just take buying something for mom, like a coat for example or even take her to urgent care without his permission, the 3 of us become his enemy and would acuse us of disrespect and even accuse us of shouting at him. He would then go to my other siblings and pit us against each other, and he would use money/promise of inheritance as a way to bit us against each other. He would ask some of my siblings to cut the other out, until we all became enemies. That’s has always been his way to control us. His lying stopped when i started recording our conversations and when he accuse me of something I would just pull out the recording. My sis who has the legal guardian ship, he paid her home down payment and she knows if she goes agaist him, he would ask for money back. My father is a manipulative narcissist and he would do anything to anyone who he thinks is outside of his control.
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