She has vascular dementia. My 87 year old mother, who was independent, living alone and very social started showing signs of dementia (forgetfulness, repetitive questions, confusing night and day, etc) about three years ago. With help, daily visits and senior day care, she continued to live alone. Eight months ago, she had a stroke and her vascular dementia got worse and she could no longer live alone. She received physical therapy at a long term care facility but was not able to return home because of her worsened dementia. We try to visit daily. Some days she seems happy, other days, she is angry and says things to make us feel guilty. If anyone is in this situation, how do you handle the bad days?
You did the right thing by placing her in a home. Your first obligation is to keep her as safe and well cared for as possible. You have done that. Hopefully she will adjust in time. Meanwhile look after yourself. The stress of being responsible for another person is not small. Give yourself some breaks from the care-giving role. You need that.
You may want to stop visiting every day. She’s waiting for you to come and when you walk in the door, she lets loose the barrage of insults. If she hits her mark and makes you feel guilty, she’s accomplished her goal and in her mind, she may have guilted you into getting her out. Do not defend your decision, make excuses or try to reason with her. That’s not possible. If her insults and nastiness are off the chain when you visit, tell her you see she’s having a bad day and you’ll come back “in a few days”. Do t let her lay this guilt trip on you all. She doesn’t understand that you did this out of love.
You wouldn't think "we're doing something wrong" and feel guilty about it. You'd pity her for how she's feeling, and sympathise.
Well, your mother has vascular dementia. It will have affected her mood and behaviour in various ways - one of which, by the way, is severe depression; and another is loss of inhibition - and made her ill. Ill being the key word.
Assuming you've drawn her doctors' attention to any marked changes, and asked if anything can be done to help her if the doctors agree that she may be depressed; then all you can do is stand by her. But she is not intentionally doing anything to make you feel anything. She is expressing herself, not trying to hurt you.
That does not mean that it does not hurt, of course. Seeing your mother in the depths of misery, lashing out at the nearest target, being venomous, making wild accusations - this is very painful. Who is "we"? - do you have other people around for mutual support and consolation?
First, I think you have to get right in your own mind that you did the right thing. Your parent needed 24/7 care that you and the family could not provide. The parent has better care in LTC. Second, since a person with dementia is unable to make reasonable decisions and sometimes not able to remember if he/she did, I would not have long repeated discussions about why you placed her in LTC. Come up with a short sentence or two - "Your doctor said you needed more care than you could get at home and needed to be in LTC. You are safe and well cared for here."