My parents are 88yrs old. Stepfather has Parkinson's Disease and beginning of dementia. It's just him and Mom in CA. He is a retired marine LtCol. and gets 3 hours weekday mornings caregiver. However that's 3 hours out of 24 hours. Pops is condition causes him to want to be busy so he tends to want to work on electronic things unplugging everything and wanting to take things apart and his dementia is causing hallucinations. His mind often seems intact as he still tracks with conversations most of the time.
Mom is tired and stressed and months older than him. She is now limping and has to take anxiety pills.
I think it's an excellent idea to get advice first from the veterans' organisations, who ought to understand your stepfather's mindset better than the more universal ones.
Who is currently sending the three hours' support each day, though? Another idea might be for your mother to talk to the providers and see what additional help they might have to suggest - especially when it comes to enrichment activities. If your stepfather could be enrolled in some sort of day program, or other regular activity, she might get more breathing time.
Meanwhile, even if she isn't ready for this yet, remind her that it is only sensible to plan ahead and take into account not only his probable deterioration, but her own needs. Taking pills for anxiety when you have so many material factors to be anxious about can only really be a sticking plaster. As her stamina and strength decline, it will be rough on *both* of them if she attempts to (forgive me) soldier on.
The Veteran's Administration might be able to help you. It could be worth talking to them about him.
In the meantime, if you're planning on facility placement start virtually touring different AL or nursing facilities and meeting with their administrators via video chat if you want your parents to stay in CA.
Or go in person to tour facilities in your area and move them nearer to you.
A live-in caregiver could be the answer for them too, but I wouldn't recommend that if there's no family nearby that can regularly check on them and the caregiver.
Never use any agency or company that advertises on tv and is a huge chain because they've got deals worked out with their own select facilities.
They can increase hours of the caregiver.
There are other programs that might help. (Ask about a program my Husband was in called VIP *Veterans in Place*) the name might have changed or there may be others that go by a different name in other areas.
The VA does have Adult Day Programs he might go to.
There have been changes recently and your mom can get paid for caring for him. (This is pretty new so be persistent about it)
Depending on where and when he served they will classify his "disability" and the higher % the more he will qualify for.
Ask about placement in one of the VA facilities. Locally we have what they call the Green House and it is several smaller houses that are much nicer than the larger older VA "homes" it is more of a family setting rather than an institutional facility.
If you cant get the info from the Social Worker contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can get the paperwork needed to determine his "% of disability" that will be important in determining how much help he and your mom can get.
(Parkinson's is but one medical condition that can be factored into the % depending on where he served.)
The other issue is the dang reverse mortgage which is all in his name and he can't afford to pay it. They are in the middle of this mess that's why he can't afford to pay caregiver out of pocket.
Social worker
Best wishes to you.