Reading so many challenges that others are sharing is overwhelming and confusing because I've been fumbling and looking for what I must be missing. Every effort I try to HELP my mom turns out to be wrong and creating a new set of problems. She fights me, and I get pushback and suspicion from those I thought would help. Her attorney that wrote her trust/will won't even talk to me until I get 2 doctors to do specific testing on her that states she is no longer able to care for herself. She also told me not to steal $10k from my mom. How does this help? Her medical provider does the bare minimum and they sent her back home worse than when she ended up being hospitalized twice. I'm just getting this bad feeling that something is going to happen and I miss the boat. I'm confused by the advice I have received because I've talked to 2 people that said all I can do is let her fail before she can get the help she needs. I will never be able to live with myself if I just step back and wait and something bad happens. I've already broke down her front door because she was face down in the hallway then claimed that she was just resting. On one hand she is hiding from everybody that she knows can affect her life in ways she doesn't want. But other times she tells me things that I think she must know how I feel about it because she has been told over and over that she'll end up in the hospital again and they may not release her back to her own care, and this time it will be 3 strikes and she will be out because the first 2 times I fought for her to be released back to the home she loves so much. She said they can't tell her that she can't go home. From what I hear now, they can if her health and mind has declined so much that she can't take care of herself. APS did go to her house but she wouldn't let them in because she worked there for years and knows what to expect and what she'll loose. She has out of control diabetes, she can barely walk anymore and is considered a fall-risk, and she is borderline dementia. I did hire caregivers to be at her house full time after she was released from the hospital the second time but that cost over $78,000 for a 14 month period. I don't know how that can be sustained for a lot of people. She doesn't qualify for Medicaid/Medi-Cal IHSS. I ended up firing the agency that did come to her house because they were providing medical care that was not allowable according to their license and it ended up harming her. I just kept noticing things that didn't seem right and every once in a while my mom would tell me something they were doing so I investigated the agency and ended up reporting them to the Dept of Social Services and they were cited. That experience with the agency I fired has soured things for her so much that she doesn't want anybody coming to her house to provide care for her anymore. She does need some medical oversight but the things I've set up for her as a workaround, she won't do. For example, I was able to have her doctor order her the Dexcom 7 so she won't have to prick her finger 3 times a day to find out her blood sugar levels but she won't use it. I need to find a simple device that she can understand where I setup her medications for at least 6 weeks. It's my understanding that even individuals licensed to do medical care can't set up their medications. I say 6 weeks because I have 4 upcoming surgeries and the first one will require having someone care for me initially, but I also won't be able to drive for 6 weeks. She can't take care of me. It's just her and me and we live about an hour from each other. It's time to intervene so whatever suggestions anyone has would be welcome. I'm a beginner with all of this so I'm going write up a plan with expectations, the reasons, what I can, can't or won't do because I have foolishly thought of not having my first surgery, but that will leave me permanently paralyzed and I'm not going to sacrifice my health if she is not willing to work with me.
The first thing you need to do is follow up with APS. Follow up EVERY SINGLE DAY if that is what you must do. If they become non-responsive to you CALL THE POLICE and ask for a wellness check. Tell them that your mother will not respond and APS will not make entry to check on her.
This is the simple two step start for you.
After that you must get a diagnosis for your mother. This must be done with or without her agreement and that's where APS comes in. You need to get them, if they find her a DANGER TO SELF transported to care for diagnosis.
Step three, after your mother is seen and diagnosed is to get temporary guardianship over her IF YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF CAPABLE OF DOING THAT and IF YOU WANT TO. I capitalize all that to SHOUT at you that 1) you may not be capable of taking all this on, and may need to request the state to assume guardianship if your mother has dementia and refuses help and 2) this is a terribly difficult and anxiety producing job when the principle (your mother) is not agreeing to have help.
The sad truth is that without a diagnosis for your mother you are helpless.
Without your mother's agreement to help, if the authorities will not intervene, then you mother will be without help and may die.
We all, eventually, of course, do die. It seems your mother is currently choosing to do that on her own terms and by her own choice.
The truth is that there may be nothing you can do if after followup APS will not help you.
Not everything in life can be fixed. There is no sense to your pounding you head against the wall and driving yourself to madness.
You asked us where all the "comprehensive" questions and answers are?
You already know the questions.
But, as Dear Dr. Laura says "not everything can be fixed".
THERE MAY BE NO ANSWERS!
One way to do this is to use "therapeutic" fibs to get her in for the exam. You tell her that an annual "wellness" medical exam is required by Medicare. You send a note through her clinic portal (or hand a pre-written note to the staff) before the appointment asking for a cognitive and memory test for the purpose of activating your PoA authority. They will be glad to do this.
I'm not sure how to get a second one, because it isn't easy where I live to switch doctors but maybe find one who is accepting new patients. Do the same with that doctor... or maybe take her to a neurologist or psychologist for testing. FYI my elder law attorney wanted me to require 2 exams and I told him no way.
As for trying to plan... An expectation is just a premeditated disappointment. So much about elder care is not plannable. Plan for no plan.
Whatever you do, do not delay your own surgeries! You will need to let the chips fall where they may. It might speed up her getting the appropriate care she needs.
of this is for the caregiver to survive and not be taken down with the ailing parent .
Don’t be looking for a nice successful transition for mom when she goes into care either since she loves her home so much . Your mother is old. You can not fix old . Many old people are unhappy , that’s just the way it is and you can’t change that .
Stop taking Mom home . And yes unfortunately now you may have to let her fail and end up back in the hospital in order to get her placed and safe .
You can try calling mom’s County Area Agency of Aging and have a social worker come out . Look on Mom’s county website . Maybe you will have to be there to let them in . Then you go outside and let the social worker talk to mom . Hopefully they will determine she’s not safe to live alone . By me the social worker was willing to return with strong men to remove my mother from her home and place her in an assisted living that I picked out . They coordinated date and time with the assisted living . The social worker will do a needs assessment to determine the level of care your mother needs and can help you find a facility whether it be assisted living , memory care or SNF .
Don’t look for a happy ending . There rarely is one when dealing with these situations .
Why would you fight to have her return to the home that "she loves so much" when the doctors were saying otherwise, and when you know in your heart of hearts that your mom is very unsafe there?
What you are saying and what you are doing seem to be complete opposites. You say you want your mom safe, yet you fight to bring her home where you know she's not safe.
You hire in-home help for her, and then you fire them for one reason or another.
And now you're needing multiple surgeries, which will put you out of commission for a while, and you will need time to heal and not be stressed about your mom, as that will prolong your healing time. So you really need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your mom about the fact that her living in her home is no longer sustainable and that she must now either move into an assisted living facility or she will be completely on her own, and God forbid something bad were to happen, that would be on her not you.
You are at a point in your life now where you MUST put yourself and your health first, or it will be you that suffers the consequences.
Your mom has had her life and she must now live with her choices, and you may just have to let the chips fall where they may.
Not everything can be fixed or wrapped up with a pretty bow on top, like you'd like it to be. And you have to learn to be ok with that.
You can also private message any of us if you, like there advice to talk to them privately.
Your burntout, you got all lot of things going on and your thread is all over the place. This is a process and is going to take time to get you where you are now to where you want to be down the road. So if advice to start with one question, because I'm really not even sure what you asking.
Don't feel bad, I was there 6 months ago, burntout is serious, caregiving long term causes PTSD . The reason people say let her fail is because there are times that's all we can do, to save are selves. We are slowly ruining are mental and physical health with caregiver burnout, and we are here to support you.
I'm really not sure what else I can say at this time because I'm not sure what your real question is.
This is the hardest thing you will ever do.